A few words on the matter of me.
I never considered myself to be one of those people starved of connection, I have amazingly supportive friends, and my family tries their best to get me (They love me they do, they just don’t always understand you know?) I’ve loved, in my short time on earth, a great deal of people who have been so instrumental in making me the person I am today. I thought I could go decades, centuries, eons even without ever needing to love someone romantically. I’ve been through the ringer, but who among us hasn’t? I just thought that after my last murder of men, all of whom left just as I was beginning to open up, that I would be good. That was all I needed, and even then I had my doubts, I chalked it up to the chemicals flying about in my head and the promise of at least decent sex, or a few moments of hazy bliss after a kiss or two. I thought that maybe I had finally conquered whatever part of me that wanted to be bound so strangely to another human being. The things I want in a romantic relationship I find easily outside of romance…
1. I want someone to love me even when I don’t deserve it.
This is accomplished every day, when I’m feeling prickly (which is often) and don’t want to be looked at, much less touched, and my sweet friend, and roommate Chelsey wraps her arms around me and tells me very plainly that she loves me. And of course I reply “I love me, too” which typically elicits a ”Love me back” from her, and of course I do.
2. I want someone who will love me despite my neuroses.
Anytime anyone who has ever seen me ugly cry, or panic over something minimal, and still thinks highly of me. My friends Erin and Rebecca have seen me at my most frustrated and wildly panicked state this semester (possibly even my entire life) over something as minimal as colors on a stage or a grade in a class.
3. I want someone who will love me even when I’m being an ass.
The GPA, I seriously can not imagine my life without them. They support me, infuriate me, charge me with their smiles and witty words, and have inexplicably changed the way I look at relationships with men. These men are some of the strongest people I know, and even when I’m being a total asshole they still stand by me. Albeit with billy clubs and axes from time to time.
4. I want someone who will love me, and the nerdy things I like.
Thomas, one of my favorite men on earth, who appreciates my nerd like qualities. He’s kind of like me, but different in some surprisingly beautiful ways. I’ve learned a lot about myself through caring about him.
Garrett, whose passion for the arts sometimes sets me on fire. Another of my favorite men. He makes it so much more simple to be an art kid. And makes me feel less alone.
5. I want someone who will love me, and treat me like a person and not porcelain.
Houston, whose bitter words, and razor wit have always been a guide to me. He is one of the only people I’ve ever met to call me on my bullshit straight from the start. He called me a frigid bitch upon meeting me for the first time because I am in fact a frigid bitch.
6. I want someone who will love me enough to be exposed to me emotionally.
Lee, a semi-new addition to my life. I don’t think I tell him enough that I love him. He has been so open, so forward and honest, and without batting an eye would move heaven to get me to work on time. He has made himself a permanent place in my heart.
There are a sundry few more items on the list, that are all covered by one friend or another. These wonderful people fulfill me in every way possible. Of course I recognize that the love I feel for them is/would be different than the love I should feel for a partner. But they are all more than enough for me. And often more than I deserve. I’m so unsure of where this drive to be a part of something different is coming from. There have been men that piqued my sexual interests and a few that have made me consider relationships, but none that have given me reason for being in one strong enough to break my solitude. The men I’ve considered have all fallen short. Thusly furthering my intense and immediate desire to remain single. But recently, and I assume this is due at least in part to the holidays, I’ve just wanted so much more. I hope it’s a phase, or a season. It’s looking like a time for a change either way.
