Cordell is bi and before Emily he fell in love with a boy... A bad boy... They were adventurous... And that bad boy used to tell him that this is their fairy tale but neither of them is prince charming...They were the two kings of their lives... So they got a matching crown tattoo with each other...
#WalkerPride #MickiRamirez
Micki got a crush on Geri...And would definitely ask her out if she was not with Trey already! She is a little bit jealous of both Hoyt and Cordell about it......But also she cares about Geri so she was worried for her...
#Walker
He wasn’t sure if he wanted to do this. Well, he wanted to do this. He wanted to be seen for who he really was and changing schools was a great opportunity to do that. But to get there, he had to do something very scary.
“Gramps? Do you have a minute?”
“Sure, Allie. What’s on your mind?”
He cringed hearing that name. “I…. Have you started enrolling us at Sacred Hearts yet?”
“We’re just going through the paperwork. Why do you ask?”
Here goes. “I was just wondering. I...I was just thinking about the whole, ‘new school’ thing. Not really gonna know anyone there, not in the same circuit as our old school...new beginnings and all that.”
“If this is about changing your middle name, the answer is still no.”
He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “I know, this is different.”
“What is it then?”
“I’mtrans.” Like ripping off a band-aid.
“....What was that?”
He took a deep breath. “I’m transgender. I’m a boy, not a girl. I feel like I'm stuck in the wrong body. I don't want to be 'Allie' anymore. That's not who I am."
His confession was met with blank stares. He bit his lower lip nervously. This had been a lot smoother when he practiced it with Stella and Uncle Liam a few days ago. Maybe he should've done it then when Liam was still in town. He could've had back up. He could've-
"Who are you, then?"
"What?"
"I asked you what you wanted to be called, dear. Who are you?"
"...August." He'd picked it from the list of possible names Emily decided to include in his baby book.
"Alright, August. Your Gramps and I have a few things to talk about."
"...Okay." It was out of his hands now.
Now
“Are you on your way?”
“Yes, Liam.”
“Good. You’re not gonna stop anywhere on the way, are you?”
“I might have to stop for gas-”
“Just gas. No booze or sight-seeing or anything else.”
“Okay, okay, geeze. It’s like you think I don’t want to come home or something.”
Liam sighed on the other end. “Cordi, you know that’s not it. I just…. Au- Allie wants to talk to you about something and it’s kind of a big deal.”
“Yeah, okay. Do you know what she wants to talk about?”
“I was specifically asked not to give you any heads up on it.”
“Well that’s just concerning.”
“It’s nothing bad,” Liam said hurriedly. “Quite the opposite. It’s just…. She wants to tell you herself.”
“If you say so.” Liam had been mentioning this Thing to him ever since he finished the case. Whatever his youngest had to tell him, it was important and Cordell planned on listening with all the care a good father should. Maybe that would make up for his previous absence. “Anyway, I’ll be home in time for dinner. Tell the girls I love them?”
“Of course. See you soon.”
8 months ago
“Al- August? Could you come here please?”
He walked into the dining area, not sure what he was about to hear. They’d used his real name and not his deadname so he was optimistic. Still, that didn’t necessarily mean good news.
“We’ve been thinking about what you told us.”
Here we go.
“We’ve started working on getting your named changed and once that’s sorted we’ll enroll you under that name.”
That was good.
“But we don’t want to do anything medical just yet. Not without your father around anyway.”
Slightly less good but it could be worse.
“We’ll let you do whatever else you want to do for your appearance. Haircut, binders, new wardrobe, whatever.”
Amazing.
"Thank you." he said, voice breaking slightly at the end. It was more than he'd expected.
"Of course. We love you and we want you to be happy. Maybe we don't understand the whole 'trans' thing but we don't need to."
He hugged them both tightly. "Thank you. I love you. So much."
He couldn't believe this was really happening. He was going to be August Walker. It made him tear up just thinking about it.
Now
“He said he’ll be home in time for dinner,” August said as he entered the living room. “Uncle Liam just got off the phone with him and made sure he knew he had to be here.”
“He’d better,” Stella muttered from her spot on the couch. “He was supposed to be back months ago.”
August rolled his eyes. “Could you relax? You’re gonna scare him away again if you act like that when he gets here.”
“You assume he’ll get here.”
“I choose optimism.” August shrugged and sat on the opposite side of the couch and swung his legs up so his feet sat in her lap. “Besides, Mawline’s making her chili; he never misses Mawline’s chili.”
Stella huffed and rolled her eyes. “I do not understand the faith you have in him.”
“You used to have it too,” he said softly.
“That was before he abandoned us,” she snapped.
“And whose bright idea sent him that way in the first place?” he retorted. He instantly regretted it when her face fell and he moved to sit closer to her. “Sorry. I didn’t-”
“I know,” she said softly, hugging him tightly. She rubbed his back and pulled away with a frown. “How long have you been wearing that?”
August lightly pushed her arms off him and crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s fine.”
“How long?”
“Long enough.”
“You know you can’t wear it all day. The instructions said-”
“I know how to wear my binder, Stella. I’ll take a break later,” he muttered.
Stella chewed her bottom lip. “...I have some big sweaters if you want. They should be big enough to cover….”
August shook his head. He knew Stella meant well but today was stressful enough as it was. Dad coming home would have been big enough without also telling him that his youngest kid was transgender and had a new name and pronouns and appearance and everything. Maybe he should’ve taken Uncle Liam’s offer to break the news to Dad earlier. But that just didn’t seem right. He felt like he should do it in person.
Of course, that meant now he had to agonize about it all day and wonder if that trade off was worth it. Hopefully it would be.
7 months ago
“Class, we have a new student joining us today. Would you like to introduce yourself, young man?”
That felt so good to hear. “Hi. My name is August Walker. I’m happy to be here.”
“Thank you. Why don’t you take a seat over there next to Ruby and then we can get started?”
He did it.
He really did it.
He was August Walker.
Now
Cordell pulled up to the house and saw his whole family waiting outside. Well, almost his whole family. Allie wasn’t there. He’d expected her to be waiting on the porch like she usually was when he came home from a mission. Maybe she was just nervous about whatever it was she wanted to talk about?
Stella greeted him first with a tight hug. Then Momma and Daddy. James shook his hand and Stan clapped him on the back. Liam was the last to approach him with his own hug. "Where's Allie?" he asked, looking around the yard.
"Inside, in hi- her room. She's waiting to talk to you."
"Still not gonna tell me what this is about?"
"Not my place to say. Just…." Liam sighed and looked away. "Be careful, okay? She's nervous."
"I will," he promised, heading inside to talk to his daughter. As he headed up the stairs, he wondered what he was about to walk into. It was clearly something important, given all the secrecy and emphasis. Something life altering perhaps? Did something happen? Was she sick? Now he was nervous.
"Allie, Liam said you wanted to-" He stopped when he saw her.
He knew he'd been gone for a long time. Almosy a year. People were bound to change in that time, especially young people. But this…. This was a lot.
Instead of the girly "Pretty in Pink'' princess he said goodbye to all those months ago, Allie sits in front of him with short hair, boy's jeans, and an oversized hoodie. Her room has changed too, from neons to neutral colors and shelves of books instead of horse figurines. She cleared her throat and stood up. "Hi, Dad."
Her voice sounded different too. Lower, a little deeper, like she was forcing it down.
"Hi…."
She took a deep breath and crossed her arms over her chest. "I know this is a lot to take in but…. I'm transgender. I'm a boy. My name is August. Gramps and Mawline let me change my name and everything back when they transferred us to Sacred Hearts High a few months ago. I haven't done any physical transitioning yet because they didn't want to do that without you here. I figured it out a few years ago and I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure how y'all would react. I only said something now because we were changing schools and I thought...fresh start. So. Yeah. That's where we're at." All- August looked down at he- his shoes, likely waiting for a reaction.
It was a lot. If he had a million years to guess what his youngest had to say to him, this probably never would've made the list.
But here they were. Allie wasn't a little girl anymore. He was a young man who named himself August. And he needed his dad, now more than ever.
"....Okay."
"What?"
"I said, okay."
August nearly bowled him over with a hug and he hugged back just as tight. "I love you," was muffled against his shirt.
"I love you too, August."
He could process this whole thing later. Right now, his son was all that mattered.
Cordell set the popcorn on the coffee table and glanced up at the screen to see what was on the docket for Movie Night. It was Stella’s turn to pick, so he was expecting a romcom or a musical or something. What he saw instead was a documentary on modern LGBT spaces. Okay. Different. “Where’d you find that one?”
“My sex-ed teacheer showed us part of it and I wanted to see the rest of it. Is that okay?”
Turns out there was a lot he wasn’t expecting that night.
Asexual
It came up a few times during the documentary. A complete lack of sexual attraction to anyone. Not a lack of love or compassion. Not even a lack of sex drive necessarily. Just...no sexual attraction to anyone, man or woman. It sounded strange.
It also stirred something inside him that he hadn't thought about in years.
It kept coming back to him over the next couple of days. Memories forced themselves to the forefront of his mind. Exaggerating how much he enjoyed Hoyt’s skinmags. Claiming to have wet dreams about whatever star was most popular at the time. Never being quite sure how to respond when his girlfriends would talk about how sexy he was. How Emily was always the one to initiate sex when they weren’t actively trying to have kids. All those nights he would lay awake in bed, wondering why he didn’t seem to see the world the same way everyone else did.
Did that mean something?
He tried doing his own research on the internet during some spare time but he wasn’t really sure what he was looking for and there was just so much out there. He needed help. At least a roadmap. He’d ask Liam but he didn’t want to assume anything. He doubted his parents would have any advice in this department. He remembered Micki putting a bisexual flag in her pen cup last week but he didn’t want to assume anything there either. But this kind of stuff was everywhere. Surely there was a person or a library or something he could go to.
Maybe Google could help him with this one….
-----------
Cordell sat in his truck in front of the LGBT center. There were a couple of places like this in Austin but this was the only one that didn't specify being a place for Youth members. He thought going somewhere where some of the patrons might be a little closer to his age would help. So far it was ineffective.
Maybe he should've brought someone along. Liam would've come with him. Micki and Trey too. Hell he probably could've begged Momma into coming along. But he hadn't wanted to bother anyone unless he was sure.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
He slowly got out of his truck and suddenly realized it was the only one in a sea of Priuses and compact cars.
Focus, Walker.
He forced himself forward and tried not to think about the fact that none of the other patrons walking up were wearing work jeans and boots and a Stenson and-
Breathe, Walker. Worst they can do is ask you to leave.
The Center was calmer than he'd been expecting. Not that he could really say what he'd been expecting. More rainbows probably. He flinched internally when he saw some people give him odd looks and just kept walking, not really paying attention to where he was going. Which, he discovered when he had the guts to look up again, was an excellent way to get lost. He cursed silently as he looked around for any kind of signage to direct him to anywhere that might be useful but all he saw were empty hallways with closed doors. He probably wasn’t even supposed to be in this area.
He probably wasn’t even supposed to be here at all.
He knew this was a bad idea.
“Excuse me, sir. Are you lost?”
He flinched involuntarily and looked over at the woman that was approaching him. She was dressed nicely and wearing a lanyard that introduced her as Clarissa. She probably worked here and if the lesbian pin on her shirt was anything to go by, she belonged here for other reasons too.
"Hi. Yeah, a little. Don't worry, I’m just on my way out.” As soon as I find where that is.
She smiled kindly. “Alright then. Mind if I walk with you? I’m just on my way out myself and these hallways can get really confusing if you don’t know where you’re going.”
Well. He clearly wasn’t getting out of this. “No, that’s fine.”
“Great! I’m Clarissa, by the way. I work in public outreach,” she said as they walked. “What’s your name?”
“Uh, Cordell.” Should he say his occupation? Did it matter? He probably wasn’t coming back here anyway, right?
“Pleasure to meet you, Cordell. Are you here with anyone?”
“Uh, no.” Dammit. “I’m here for someone. My...my brother, he’s been meaning to come by but with work and stuff he gets...busy.” Smooth, Walker. Real fucking smooth.
“Well, that’s nice of you, though I’m sure he’d get more out of it if he actually came himself.”
Right. Of course. “Well, he was just looking for some books or information packets or something. He’s just got a lot of questions.”
She hummed and nodded her head. “Do you know what kind of information he was looking for? We have a library I could help you look through if you wanted.”
“I…. That would be really nice. Thank you.”
“Of course.” She smiled and turned a corner. “Just this way.”
------------
Clarissa watched Cordell out of the corner of her eye. She’d seen this a few times during her years working at the Center. Someone figures something out about themselves later in life and feels a little uncomfortably openly exploring it, usually due to internalized prejudices or insecurities or external pressures. Judging by the gold band on his finger, she’d say it was a mixture. She had to admire him for coming this far, especially alone.
“What did you say your brother was looking for?” she asked as they approached the library space.
“Ummm….” He seemingly felt the need to look somewhere else. “Do you have anything on asexuality? I think that’s what he said.”
Ah. That filled in a few blanks. “Of course. I know a few titles that might be helpful….” Definitely not her first time dealing with this particular issue. There was a go-to list she and a few others had put together for situations like this; she decided to tack on a few extra titles on self-acceptance. Hopefully that would help.
“When you hand these over to your brother, remember to tell him he’s always welcome here, okay?”
He smiled at her, the first time since she saw him standing in the hallway, and nodded. “I will. Thanks.”
She smiled back and gave him a little shrug. “It’s what I’m here for. You can check those out at the counter over there. I have a few things to do but I hope to see you around.” As she waved and walked away, she prayed she would see him again. Maybe with a friend or a family member. Or at least with a little more confidence.
