I got an email from Amazon: 'Our terms have changed.'
And all I could imagine was jeff bezos in his tiny penis ship, that proves and does nothing (but that rich people can waste resources instead of saving the world), writing this email in his weird space suit and stupid cowboy hat (stupid for him; not cowboys):
"Our Terms have changed.
Hello consumer 5,7094,32945,6-h3.17³!
How are things? Not that I care.
But fake pleasantries is what you humans do in real life, so why not on the digital landscape? Tomato, toemahtillz.
So, here's the new terms.
I'm gonna need more money from you cuz... why the fuck not? I can do anything I want. No one will stop me, and if they try, they die; make that a mantra. I wouldn't forget it if I were you.
So I'm gonna need you to buy more shit on my website that I underpriced so I can shut down more of everything, so I then can buy out even more of everything pennies on the dollar, and became your next lord and savior* in these trying times. As I offer almost everything from things that are vital to everyday life, all the way over to things that make life enjoyable (or bearable) SO affordable, you don't mind our employees are on a shock collar or have futrama-like suicide booths all around our dungeons. Warehouses; I meant warehouses. Also you won't even think of how much we use slave labor worldwide thru the production of our products alone. We just may be the single largest source of slave labor, world wide, in history. WE ARE MAKING HISTORY HERE FOLKS! Be proud! You're taking part in history and yadda yadda yadda. Whatever.
I know I didn't HAVE to write this email personally, by the way. This took me, like, 30 minutes. Do you know how much I get paid in 30 minutes? More than many small cities make in a year! But your money; I mean you AND your money mean so much to me that I had to get in here and, ya know, give it my special touch. I'm good like that. Winky face.
So tl;dr. Summed up. Terms Changed. New terms: you must buy more shit which you probably naturally would have anyways because in this market: I AM YOUR ONLY AFFORDABLE OPTION BECAUSE I DICTATED IT THAT WAY!
And you're welcome.
I already feel the 'thanks' coming in. So you're welcome a second time.
Sincerely,
I rule your thru a pretend currency, you dumb simpletons.
J-B out!
... of the stratosphere...barely...i think. i am not a scientist, that is for sure...
ps-Where is all this money going? I promise-no moon or mars race. I KNOW that would be a waste of money. I aim for the stars...literally. Your money is paving the way for me to film a REAL LIFE recreation, shot for shot, AT THE SUN of one of the all time greatest movies, 'Sunshine', starring my boy, chris evans. We met once, and I think he liked me, and now we're friends. C-E!
*Right now, on sale, the NEW NEW testament. Or as I call it: the New testament². At a LOW LOW price. Or low price². Updated for 2021 from whatever time the last new testament we, flawed humans, wrote. Get such classic hits as 'Blasphemy', 'I will go to jail with some of the humorous offensive things I could write here, and the soon to be favorite 'Let's hear your ideas, internet.' "
Special note from the creator: FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT!
