Jan 4, 2025
@StevenWright #stevenwright *voice.
" I found out women can pee by accident when laughing. I would not enjoy that. It would piss me off." #comedy #comedypiss #comedyaboutpiss
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@StevenWright #stevenwright *voice.
" I found out women can pee by accident when laughing. I would not enjoy that. It would piss me off." #comedy #comedypiss #comedyaboutpiss
This is why I said for a long time now don't take pride in something you never chose. That you never had a saying. And that does go in regards of age, sex, sexuality, race, nationality, and even religion. If you really think about it. Take pride in accomplishments that you have chosen in this lifetime. Because those are you. You are your choices. Anything else is outside of you.
Life's a laugh, and most people missed the punchline...
-me
I got an email from Amazon: 'Our terms have changed.'
And all I could imagine was jeff bezos in his tiny penis ship, that proves and does nothing (but that rich people can waste resources instead of saving the world), writing this email in his weird space suit and stupid cowboy hat (stupid for him; not cowboys):
"Our Terms have changed.
Hello consumer 5,7094,32945,6-h3.17³!
How are things? Not that I care.
But fake pleasantries is what you humans do in real life, so why not on the digital landscape? Tomato, toemahtillz.
So, here's the new terms.
I'm gonna need more money from you cuz... why the fuck not? I can do anything I want. No one will stop me, and if they try, they die; make that a mantra. I wouldn't forget it if I were you.
So I'm gonna need you to buy more shit on my website that I underpriced so I can shut down more of everything, so I then can buy out even more of everything pennies on the dollar, and became your next lord and savior* in these trying times. As I offer almost everything from things that are vital to everyday life, all the way over to things that make life enjoyable (or bearable) SO affordable, you don't mind our employees are on a shock collar or have futrama-like suicide booths all around our dungeons. Warehouses; I meant warehouses. Also you won't even think of how much we use slave labor worldwide thru the production of our products alone. We just may be the single largest source of slave labor, world wide, in history. WE ARE MAKING HISTORY HERE FOLKS! Be proud! You're taking part in history and yadda yadda yadda. Whatever.
I know I didn't HAVE to write this email personally, by the way. This took me, like, 30 minutes. Do you know how much I get paid in 30 minutes? More than many small cities make in a year! But your money; I mean you AND your money mean so much to me that I had to get in here and, ya know, give it my special touch. I'm good like that. Winky face.
So tl;dr. Summed up. Terms Changed. New terms: you must buy more shit which you probably naturally would have anyways because in this market: I AM YOUR ONLY AFFORDABLE OPTION BECAUSE I DICTATED IT THAT WAY!
And you're welcome.
I already feel the 'thanks' coming in. So you're welcome a second time.
Sincerely,
I rule your thru a pretend currency, you dumb simpletons.
J-B out!
... of the stratosphere...barely...i think. i am not a scientist, that is for sure...
ps-Where is all this money going? I promise-no moon or mars race. I KNOW that would be a waste of money. I aim for the stars...literally. Your money is paving the way for me to film a REAL LIFE recreation, shot for shot, AT THE SUN of one of the all time greatest movies, 'Sunshine', starring my boy, chris evans. We met once, and I think he liked me, and now we're friends. C-E!
*Right now, on sale, the NEW NEW testament. Or as I call it: the New testament². At a LOW LOW price. Or low price². Updated for 2021 from whatever time the last new testament we, flawed humans, wrote. Get such classic hits as 'Blasphemy', 'I will go to jail with some of the humorous offensive things I could write here, and the soon to be favorite 'Let's hear your ideas, internet.' "
Special note from the creator: FUCK THE ESTABLISHMENT!
Gonna share a recent personal story that makes writing (comedic and otherwise) make more sense in how you tell the same story, but better....
Had an extended weekend with the family. Fun times. Parents brought their small dogs. Rode together to save gas.
Had one in my lap on the way back. It was so scared being away from home (she is scared of the fucking breeze) she diarrhea'd all over my lap.
I freak the fuck out in the back seat, my dad pulls over, we clean it up.
The whole time, my mom and brother laughing their asses off, while my dad is kinda pissed.
That is how it happened outline wise. Like if I had to summarize.
However, there were multiple elements that changed the entire way I see this now, and make it a better story.
1-when I retold my dad exactly what happened, he and my bro flipped out laughing with my point for point recollection of what went on. Only really for ONE point. How it happened and the sound effect. Cuz as THEY knew it to happen-i screamed, they pulled over, cleaned it up. My story was-sitting here, dog in lap, hear a sound like... a balloon being deflated/ketchup bottle being emptied, confused, looked around, feel warm dripping feeling on leg, instantly knew what was going on, 2 seconds later and the worst smell that came from that dog's ass to date.
2-my DAD only heard me screaming, right behind his head, after a very long weekend, on a 2 1/2 hour drive, like I was being murdered. He thought I saw a car heading toward us! He was freaking out! He's over 60! not a kid. I get it.
3-the dog, when I was trying to get it out of the truck, shit all over my bro's jacket so while he was laughing, eventually, when we found out, he was not.
4-best part-they flash back to the holidays last year where, in the dark, I bent down to put on my shoes and...knelled and put my hand in the same dog's shit!
think about it.
this story turned from my mom's dog shit in my lap on a long trip home to
-them finding it funnier AFTER it happened just cuz of exactly knowing how it happened, tho they were there when it happened.
-my dad thought we were about to die!!! that changes a lot!
-my bro, who was being a jerk laughing at me got his fav jacket shit all over-karma.
-it was not the first time these dogs' shits (2 dogs) or the last probably, that will end up touching my body...
You know me better than people I have known my entire lives...
You want to know the harsh honest truth?
I've been more real with you all, and like y'all more than most people I meet in real life on average.
THAT is why the internet will be the downfall of this broken system: right minds finding the right people.
“I’m Unbelieveable, believable RICK!’
I HAVE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT!
Why Rick and Morty is so additively appealing in an almost sadistic way:
It's unrealistically, realistic.
Think about it:
they do the craziest fucking shit, every damn episode, making fun of anything along the way throwing you into butt universes,
then, confront fucking multi universes, death, after death, repercussions of ALL, government, rebellion, incest, parental influence/abandonment, CHILD KILLINGS....
like this show is, for all intents and purposes, demanding you to have no morals and laugh.
But in doing so, you have to ask yourself, personally, some deep, dark, questions....
it's god damn genius....I wasn't a big fan of community, but maybe there's more there too...
Probably a lot of backstory you don't know about me.
At 16, I genuinely believed by now, at 40, I would AT LEAST have a full time job that helped the world, married (in love), house, car, both paid off, kids, dogs*, healthcare, vacation, BBQs, large group of friends, community events (I could AFFORD), and be satisfied with life.
Let me put it in the most blunt way possible: do you know the year when I MAYBE started drinking too much? The year I graduated. Cuz after I got out of the stress of full time college, senior project, last minute REQUIRED credits, and having a job, I realized ONE thing I had been in denial (or my lack of research on) of: everything I had been promised was a lie.
It was 2008. Remember what happened then? My degree, I had just got: worthless AND a massive amount of debt. Jobs were shrinking (in quality at least). Everything was getting expensive. Most people were not in love, just lonely. Loyal friends were a dime a dozen. It's why, when radio would not give me a PENNY raise in my yearly contract in 2010 (then they went bankrupt; karma), I said fuck it and went to hollywood.
Where I saw the REAL REAL world for the first time. It was ugly. But beautiful in some ways, too. But upon starring into the void, I realized...why are we doing any of this (especially after seeing water & air quality, and tent cities)!? No joke, there's a line I use all the time when people ask why I got out of acting. 'Because I went to hollywood (or the world), and saw there was enough fakes in the world. I want to be one of the real ones.'
Tl:dr, after experiencing & seeing life worse than any previous generation in 100 years (proveable), everything (EVERYTHING) you were told/taught/promised is a lie, stop, WHY-ARE-WE-DOING-ANY-OF-THIS-THEN!? It's killing us ALL! THINK, don't just listen.
*after dealing with 100s of dogs in my life, same with kids, I don't know if I want either. I love them both...in small doses. If I met the right lady, maybe. But there's a reason I don't have a pet now; it's all going to fall apart, and I don't want to have to watch a pet starve to death. That's cruel.