“Hello, I’m here to remind you all that being rich and privileged is awful and wrought with it’s own special struggles. My life’s goal is to get this one kid to come to class, and I pursue it by stalking him night and day and then yelling at him on sight. Every night, my girlfriend has wild sexual fantasies that I may show interest or freely give her affection. I once grabbed a happy couples holding hands apart to defend the moral decay of youth. Everyone’s leaving, but I’m sure someone’s still listening to me, so I’ll keep talking. Gosh I hope Luca likes me. I literally can’t understand women. Why do they exist. What are they in God’s plan. I got called a square by a man who thinks fairies will kill him in his sleep. I’m fairly certain I’m straight. Maybe if I drag Luca by the scruff of the neck back to the dorms while my brother dies alone in the woods, he’ll like me and we can be friends.” –Elias