Cereal Milk [Brian/Zawi]
1/3 short shots, a part of something I'm dubbing 'The Breakfast Food Collection'. Words: 3k. TW: Infertility
Brian wasn't sure he had babysat a kid on his own before. His mom was always home whenever their younger cousins came over for the night. Still, he didn't hesitate when Erik asked if he could watch Willa for a few hours on Friday so he could meet with his wife for couples therapy. Clearly, his friend was desperate if he was asking him.
Since you had moved out, the apartment felt joyless. Work took up a good chunk of his time and he went to the gym most evenings, but he still had to come back and sleep alone. Brian told himself that it would be good to have a distraction even if it was in the form of a toddler.
“We got a coloring book in there and a couple other toys.” Erik handed over the small floral backpack to Brian who thought it belonged to a doll and not the little girl sucking on her fingers beside his friend. “She's pretty easy going. Thanks again for helping me out.” There was anxiety in Erik's eyes. He was physically in the hallway of Brian's low-rise, but mentally, he was a hundred miles elsewhere.
“All good. We're going to have a great time, right, Will?” He pointed his fuzzy chin down to the little girl who was just an inch or so past her dad's knee. She nodded at Brian, saliva traveling slowly down to her knuckles.
Erik's hand had only left his daughter’s back to pass Brian the bag. He was rubbing it, but more to comfort himself, “I should be back around 1:30. 2 at the latest. This shrink's office is all the way in Fernwood.”
“Hey, if it goes well, ask your lady to go for a drink.” In an attempt to be supportive, Brian suggested. “If it doesn't go well, take yourself for one. We're gonna be fine. Willa's in charge.” He winked at the little girl who lit up. If she hadn't had her fingers in her mouth, Brian was sure she would have giggled.
Erik had been tight-lipped about the status of things with his wife. It was through mutual friends that Brian heard his buddy had recently moved into a Motel 6. There was no reason to pry. Brian knew that if Erik wanted him to know something, he would tell him.
Inhaling so deeply that it caused his nostrils to flare, Erik dropped to one knee in order to be eye-level with his daughter, “Alright, you're going to be good and listen to Uncle Zawi?” It was rhetorical, but Willa nodded anyway before her dad tugged her hand from her mouth, getting a handful of drool for himself. “I won't be long. Love you.” His whole hand covered the top and back of her hand as he ran it over her, spreading a kiss through her hair.
Brian looked away like a reflex and then frowned at himself. He instantly thought of how sincere you sounded when you told him how unhappy you were. You wanted more. That's the part he was okay sharing with his friends. He wasn't ready to cop to the heart of the matter. The fact that you wanted to be a mom so badly and despite all the unprotected sex you two had been having, it wasn't happening. Of course, he knew there were other avenues, but he still couldn't bring himself to talk about it. By the time Brian shook himself out of his own trance, Willa was standing in his apartment with her fingers back in her mouth and a sugar-sweet smile on her face.
“Alright, kid, let's party!” He said as if he was a hired birthday clown, swinging her tiny bag out in front of her. “Dad said something about a coloring book. You down?”
Willa nodded, her damp chin touching her neck so Brian pulled out the Lisa Frank booklet and set her up on his coffee table, picking up the ashtray with a dried out roach resting in it to move out of reach of tiny hands. Willa shook her crayons out of their box vigorously, causing some to roll onto the carpet. Brian flipped through the channels on the TV while she picked them up, looking for cartoons. He stopped on a penguin that was made of clay and bent forward on the couch to be closer to Willa, already gripping a purple crayon in her fist and going hard on a picture of a teddy bear.
“This good? You like this?” The remote shook in his hand as he asked her, only getting a shrug in response.
Willa colored by herself for four minutes before tapping on Brian's leg so gingerly that he thought a bug had landed on him at first.
“Where's Auntie?” Her eyes were like hazel puddles and they were currently trying to drown him.
Brian couldn't believe Willa even remembered you. It wasn't as if they all hung out often and you stopped coming to barbecues and hang outs in the last year. It was too difficult since his friends had small kids and babies.
“Uh, she's at work.” It wasn't a lie. It was Friday morning and you were likely at your office.
“Can I touch your face?” Both hands open in front of her like she was going to clap him at both sides, Willa asked eagerly.
Brian was happy to oblige. He slid off the couch onto the floor, his long legs stretching out under the table as Willa scooted closer on her knees. She met his left cheek like he was a cat and then at his mustache.
“It's so hairy.” She mused, entranced and continued her hands-on research. “Sometimes, my daddy has a hairy face, but you're big hairy.” She explained and earned herself a throaty chuckle from her “uncle”.
Willa couldn't resist. She tugged a little on his mustache and made him pull away out of reflex.
“Sorry, Uncle Zawi.” Her fingers went right back into her mouth.
“That's okay, cutie. It's just attached to my face. You wouldn't like it if I pulled on your beard.” Playfully, Brian growled and with the dry pads of his thumb and pointer finger, he gently pinched her cheek and made her laugh.
Willa returned to coloring, but this time Brian joined in. He picked up a dark blue crayon that almost disappeared in his grip and started coloring the teddy bear's overalls.
He loved it. Brian was thoroughly enjoying himself like he did watching the Lions defeat the Bears with his friends at the nearby bar or when he smoked Elliot in poker. Willa was standing between his knees, dancing to the Pingu theme song, and it made him inexplicably happy. He wanted this so badly that it dried his throat into linen. It made him want to call you even though you had asked him not to. He didn't want to make things worse anyway.
“Zawi?” Willa croaked. She started to pet his face again, but this time with soaking fingers. “I'm hungry.”
Brian put down the crayon and slapped his palms together, jumping to attention. He murmured about seeing what her dad packed as he opened up her bag. He saw a couple bunny figurines and a seashell, but no sign of snacks. Zawi didn't panic. He had faced enemy fire before. He could handle a hungry three year old.
“One sec, kay?” He checked in with her, but Willa didn’t look up from what she was doing. As hard as she could, she pressed her yellow crayon flat into the star behind the bear’s head.
Brian went into the small kitchen area of the apartment and opened the pantry cupboard. He saw Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and jerky, two of his favorite snacks that he knew Willa would not have the same affinity for. He looked into the fridge and contemplated sacrificing his meal prep of steamed broccoli and unseasoned chicken breast to the three year old. Privately, he cursed himself for not buying goldfish crackers the last time he was high.
Your wife wouldn’t forget to pack snacks. He let his mind dunk on Erik as he rifled through his cupboards. He had eaten his last banana when he woke up and he hated himself for it now.
“Hey, Will?” He called out and then looked out the cut-out in the wall, distracted by Pingu. “We’re going to go to the store.”
A plastic basket in one hand and Willa’s in his other, Brian strolled the bright aisles of the Food Lion that was only a couple blocks from his building. Since they were there, he took the opportunity to stock up on some groceries he needed like packs of Ramen noodles, broccoli, milk, and bananas. He turned them into the first aisle where a long array of every color of the rainbow greeted them.
“What’s your favorite cereal?” He peered down at his little buddy as she pushed the U.S. Army ball cap he had put on her when they left up in order to see. “We got the Grrreat Tony Tiger, Cap’n Crunch, Fruity Pebbles - a personal favorite…”
Willa tugged on his arm and pointed to one of the more plain looking boxes, just a shelf higher than she could reach.
“Harvest Crunch? Fuck no.” He said and then checked to see if she clocked the curse. Willa was looking up at him with eyes so sweet that they had to have been created by a Disney animator. How did Erik deal with this on a regular basis? “Willa, we’re not getting that. It’s just going to sit in my cupboard after you leave.” Brian told her and instantly felt like a monster. He would have lassoed the moon and pulled it down from the night sky for this little girl if she asked and yet he was unwilling to bring home granola cereal. Willa tried again, pointing at a purple box nearby as it was her favorite color. “Raisin Bran. Yeah. I can get with that.” It would never be his first, second, or third choice, but it was more in his wheelhouse than Harvest Crunch. “You really are Erik’s kid.” He mused, putting the box in his basket and carrying on.
Unloading their groceries onto the conveyor belt, Brian's heart stopped as he felt Willa wander away. Thankfully, she wasn’t running. She just went to the nearby display of plants, on sale for summer. Her hand was being chewed on again as she admired the flowers and succulents.
“Hey, cutie,” He whistled and she instantly spun around, “You can pick one out if you want.” If he couldn’t be a dad, he supposed being a fun uncle was a decent consolation prize. Willa lit up like a Christmas tree and bounced in her jelly sandals.
“Your daughter is so precious.” Grinning from ear to ear, the woman behind the register told him and, though he knew he shouldn’t, Brian let himself pretend it was true. He accepted the compliment as if it was for his with a grin so large it showed his crooked teeth.
Willa came back carefully holding a plant between both hands. It had the saddest looking red blossom on it, the rest still green and yet to pop.
“Zinnias. Good choice.” The clerk hummed as she took it from Willa and scanned it’s faded barcode. “They symbolize friendship.”
It would have just been nonsense small talk to Brian if Erik’s daughter wasn’t there, tugging on his pants for attention.
“You get one! You get one!” She sort of begged while turning into an animated critter again. Brian resisted for only a moment before shooing her off to pick out a plant for him too. Quickly, with a much fuller zinnia this time, Willa returned.
Back at his apartment, he and Willa sat at his small kitchen table across from each other eating cereal with their flowers between them. They listed all the colors of the rainbows and then he told her what sort of steps she needed to take in order to properly look after her zinnias. You can replant them in your yard. They need water. Sunshine.
Brian was lifting his dish to his face and teaching her the joy of draining your cereal bowl of its milk when the apartment buzzer rang. He excused himself, rubbing his hand through Willa's hair, and let Erik up.
Instead of telling Willa what was happening, Brian went to the living room and started packing up her play things. He was tired, not used to entertaining a kid for a long period of time, but he wasn't looking forward to her leaving. It had been fun and fulfilling in some way.
Erik lightly rapped his knuckles against the door before opening it, calling out to both Zawi and his daughter. Immediately, Willa rushed to her dad. She reached up her arms and squealed as he picked her up, accepting her sticky lips to his cheek like he was being blessed. Brian hated that he felt jealous and hoped it wasn't detectable behind his smile.
“We just crushed some cereal.” He reported, zipping up the tiny bag and offering it over. “How’d things go?”
Erik was occupied adoring his daughter, wiping at her sticky face with his thumb. He moved his head from shoulder to shoulder, answering his friend’s question with a nonverbal ‘It went okay, I think.’
“What about you two?”
“Oh, it was great. Willa’s easy-peasy.” Zawi had heard nightmare stories about kids wetting themselves, losing their minds on the floor, and being generally out of control, but that hadn't at all been how this playdate went. He had hoped that spending time with Willa would make him feel like not having his own kids was a good thing, but it had had the opposite effect.
Brian watched closely as Erik put Willa down on the ground and helped her put her shoes on.
“Oh, hey - I almost forgot.” Brian snapped his fingers by the side of his head and went back into the kitchen, returning with the plant Willa had selected for herself. “Can't leave without your flower.” He bent down and handed it over.
Willa held the small disposable up to her dad's face and repeated what she had learned, “Water and sunshine. Uncle Zawi told me.”
“You got it, peanut.” He took the planter and examined the pitiful looking buds.
“It's our friendship flower.” Her tongue struggled with ‘zinnia’ despite how many she tried to say it.
“Very nice.” Erik assured her as they both stood up. “Thanks again, man. I really appreciate it. I know this is your day off.”
“Seriously, not a problem. I'm happy to do it any time.” God, he meant it. Hanging out with Willa had warmed something that had been sitting idle in his chest. He hoped that Erik would ask again or even just bring her with him if they were hanging out and watching the game.
Willa was waving enthusiastically to him and, with a back pat of encouragement from her dad, she waddled over to hug her uncle. Brian crouched down on both knees so they were able to wrap their arms around each other without strain.
“I had the best time with you today.” He told her honestly. Brian could feel her heart, likely the size of a kiwi fruit, fluttering inside her chest as she tried to squeeze him. He was embarrassed that she could probably feel his heart trying to leap from his body for her to capture and carry around in her perpetually wet hands.
“Me too.” Willa giggled in his ear before squirming out of their embrace. “Remember. Water and sunshine.” She held his strong shoulders and nodded, concentrating on sharing her new knowledge. Brian gave her a salute in response.
After thanking them once more, Erik started to lead Willa out into the hall. Even after the door closed behind the two father and daughter, Brian was still waving. He shook out his arms and walked around his apartment that was painfully quiet again.
For a smoke, he took himself to the balcony, just catching Erik's car as it pulled out of visitor parking. Brian wondered what would happen if he called his ex-girlfriend, asked her to come over and talk. You had wanted to talk to an infertility specialist, but Brian had swayed in spot with his unkempt brows stretching up to his hairline. The last thing that you wanted to hear was that in vitro was so expensive, but he said it anyway. At the mere sight of disappointment on your face, he pivoted and mentioned that on top of being expensive, it wasn't a guarantee. It turned out that that was the second last thing you wanted to hear.
The love of his life had made a great point, standing on the balcony that he was smoking on now with a backdrop of light pollution and a perfect sapphire sky, he remembered how earnest you sounded, ‘I am talking about a specialist. Just to see if there is something going on with one of us. It could be some small, random thing that we don't even know about.’
It was such a simple request. You rarely asked for much and he was generally willing to go along with whatever you wanted. He loved you. He had since he was twenty-one. He felt like a douchebag, refusing to commit, and then letting you stomp by him to go back into the apartment - crushed. He was unwilling. He was so scared of finding out that there was something wrong with him, that he was less of a man, and that all this frustration and agony had been his fault that he refused to go. So, you did. You left.
After putting out his cigarette and tossing it to the cement pad alone, pissing off his first floor neighbors, one of the few things bringing him unbridled joy lately, Zawi went back inside. The bright red zinnias on his table held him in place. His friendship flower with Willa. He laughed as he picked it up to move it outside on the balcony. Willa had already given it a generous drink upon returning from the store.
Maybe water and sunshine and a little more time was what he needed too.