Primarch Matchmaking
Part 2
In which you decide to take control
(Spoiler: It doesn't work)
Lots of people participated in the poll. I am genuinely shocked. I didn't expect that many people to vote! But here we are and the second part is here as well. I mixed C and G since they were only 2 votes apart and deserved to be combined. :3
Tagged, anyone can be tagged, ask me:
@the-mysterious-detective @mehiwilldoitlater @theonceunknown @gravedwe11er @lesboficfanatic @bunny-fair @drowning-in-sorrowing-tales @bookandyarndragonwritesdark @fandomcatchall @thebetterblacklight @incrediblethirst @beckyninja @ilovewolvezz @celestia0473 @nereidof40k @hopefully-grimderp @acgames @mortarion-thinks-youre-toxic @catabibaz0n @subtlepoisonknowledge @aggresivemenace @veryspecificreason @reminat @green-square-anon @hellafluff @psykerofbones @randomlyappearingartist
You take a deep breath, square your shoulders and point accusingly at the assembled Primarchs.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU TOLD YOUR DAD I WAS SINGLE?"
The room erupts.
"It wasn't me!" Fulgrim says immediately which makes him the most suspicious.
"I would never involve myself in Father's bizarre schemes" Guilliman lies while literally holding a clipboard titled MATCHMAKING EFFICIENCY PROTOCOLS.
Magnus's eye twitches. "Why does everyone always assume it's my fault?"
"BECAUSE IT USUALLY IS" Russ bellows, still shirtless.
Perturabo is in the corner looking like he wants to die. Dorn is standing perfectly still which somehow makes him even more suspicious. Lorgar has stars in his eyes and is clutching what appears to be a handmade book titled The Sacred Union: A Prophecy.
And in the back you spot Konrad Curze hanging upside down from a rafter like a deranged bat, his eyes gleaming with manic amusement. Mortarion is slumped in a chair, his rebreather wheezing with what can only be described as profound reluctance. Corax is attempting to blend into the shadows and failing because someone put a spotlight on him.
"Father pulled me from the vents" Curze rasps, grinning. "Said if I didn't participate he'd make me attend Fulgrim's art exhibitions. All of them."
"That's a war crime" Corax mutters.
"I am literally being held hostage" Mortarion wheezes. "There are psychic wards on the doors."
You sigh. This is getting nowhere.
You raise your hands. "OKAY. Okay. If I'm doing this I have CONDITIONS."
Guilliman's quill is already poised. "Please proceed."
"First" you say, pacing like a general before battle "no one gets to be weird about the polyamory thing. Your dad already made it weird. Don't make it weirder."
Fulgrim raises his hand. "Define 'weird'."
"You know what you did, Fulgrim."
"I haven't done anything yet!"
"YET" several Primarchs chorus.
"Second" you continue "I want honest answers from all of you too. This goes both ways. If I'm answering your questions, you're answering mine."
"Acceptable" Dorn states.
"That's terrifying coming from you, Rogal."
His expression doesn't change. "I know."
"Third, anyone who makes this genuinely uncomfortable gets thrown out. I don't care if you're a Primarch. I will call your dad."
"She's serious" Vulkan says approvingly. "I like her."
"You like everyone" Konrad hisses from above.
"AND FOURTH" you declare, pointing at the ceiling bat "Curze, if you start monologuing about flaying anyone, you're out. I don't care how much your Father wants grandkids."
Konrad drops from the rafter, landing in a crouch that should have shattered his knees but doesn't because Primarch bullshit. He tilts his head, smile too wide. "What if they deserve it?"
"OUT."
"What if I only describe it?"
"OUT."
"... I'll behave." He doesn't sound convincing.
Guilliman is writing frantically. "These are reasonable terms. All in favor?"
Approximately fifteen hands go up. Mortarion's doesn't. Corax's rises so slowly it's like he's hoping no one will notice.
"Excellent" Guilliman says. "Now, shall we begin with-"
"WAIT" you interrupt. "I'm not done. If we're doing this, everyone participating has to answer one question from me first. Right now."
Magnus grins. "Oh, this should be good."
Sanguinius who has been suspiciously quiet and beautiful this whole time, smiles. "What would you like to know?"
What's your opening question?
A
B
C
D
E
F
A) "What are you actually looking for in a relationship? And don't give me propaganda answers, I want the truth." (Get straight to the real shit)
B) "On a scale of one to 'Fulgrim at a wine tasting', how possessive are we talking here?" (Addressing the elephant in the room: these are territorial demigods)
C) "Which of you can actually cook? Because I'm not doing all the domestic labor in this hypothetical relationship." (Practical and hilarious)
D) "Your father wants grandchildren. How do you feel about kids, actually?" (Cut to the chase since that's apparently why you're here)
E) "Who here has ever actually been in a relationship before? Show of hands." (Watch them all squirm)
F) "What's your favorite way to spend a free evening? And Curze, if you say 'hunting criminals through the underhive', I swear to the Throne..." (Figure out compatibility through lifestyle)
