things have shifted thank god thank god thank god
Day 4 of things being more manageable and no meltdowns/implosions. Just baseline so grateful and relieved.
Anxiety is still quite high (like, stomachache almost all the time) but I am now practicing coping with it while sober rather than immediately self-medicating it away. Still self-medicating of course but less, and really focusing on increasing my tolerance for sobriety
What happened is that I decided to get rid of my old brain and install a new one and it has helped a lot. I'm building new connections and have more power to control what happens in this brain. I'm finally able to do some resonance work again (resonance works in this brain, whereas was being shut down in the old one).
Obviously I was doing lots of processing and figuring out and screaming and feeling and stuff first, and then I did a new brain last Friday when I came across those poems. The one De Capo by Jane Hirshfield. Found it at the right time. It was what I needed. And then I read Greywaren and that book is filled with *hope* and *do what is not possible* and fuck, what a relief.
And then I didn't sob once the whole weekend and it was very nice. Been so many days since I had a break. I've been doing so much fucking grieving and all of it has been immensely feels-like-my-life-is-ending painful.
I hope this sticks. I think it will. I think I have shifted and that while healing is not linear and I'm certain to have feels-like-i'm-dying grief again, I do not think I will be in the same exact place again.
It feels like maybe I finally got out of that particular hole that was not my grave. There are more holes but. That one was a doozy and I'm so fucking glad to be out of it that I'm just like sitting on solid ground panting for a while to catch my breath before I take any more steps lest I fall in another hole!
Things are still really hard but just. I have hope again. Like. I am now capable of believing things will get better. It's so fucking nice.
I start in a cptsd group soon! That i think will really help. And I get the SGB treatment on nov 17th and that should help too. Especially in working together.
I think this winter is going to be full of really hard work and I think it will hurt a lot sometimes and I think it is going to have hope and I think things will start improving and I think there will be joy.
It is a declaration, it is a prayer, it is a manifestation, it is determination.
