Why don’t women trust “male feminists”?
So I should preface this by saying that I have no expertise in this area. I haven’t studied this subject in any great detail and these are purely my opinions. And so, having said that, we begin.
I know you shouldn’t answer a question with a question, but why should they? Men, even those that claim to be feminists, have given women no reason to trust us. I’m not saying that there aren’t true male feminists out there, I like to think that I myself am one, but the trouble is, how do we sort out the liars? Unfortunately, there are a number of men out there who in every way, appear to be the real deal but who, in private, revert back to sexist comments and worse. It’s a sad, but all too real state of affairs that there are men out there who say what they think women want to hear as a way to get into their pants. They say what they think they need to say to prove that they aren’t exactly what they are. And the problem is, many men out there are extremely good at appearing to be what they aren’t; it’s not until they are locked in a room with a woman that their true nature becomes apparent. So how are women supposed to trust men claiming to be feminists? Truth is, it’s safer for them not to. And as a male feminist, I‘m not offended by this because I understand it. The only people that are likely to be offended by the fact that women don’t automatically accept that they are feminists, are those who are pretending to be a feminist for one reason or another.
And here’s the thing, as a male feminist, it is SO easy to get defensive when women call you out on your bullshit. Because you wouldn’t ever do or say anything sexist right? Wrong. Everybody does and says sexist things, and it is usually unintentional, I myself did it a couple of weeks back. I was playing d&d with a group of friends and accused the enemy of “running away like a little girl”. It was totally unacceptable and I am lucky enough that I have friends who are willing to call me out when I do that shit. You have to realise that if a woman is telling you that you are being sexist then chances are you are being sexist. We have to listen to what they are telling us because we haven’t lived life as a woman and so have got no idea what its like to face sexism every hour of every day. So if a woman is telling you that you have done or said something sexist then you need to accept that, in the vast majority of cases, she is right and you are wrong.
Once you have accepted this, it’s time to consider your response. It’s not enough to just accept that what you did/said was sexist and promise not to do it again (news flash, you will). You have to really listen to what you have been told and then think about it; and by think about it, I mean really take the time to consider the reason behind what you said. It is only by accepting that what you said was sexist, and really thinking about the unconscious bias behind your own thoughts, that you can start to make changes in your behaviour. And its possible that you didn’t even realise that you were being sexist and for the most part, whilst it’s not acceptable, it is okay; the woman calling you on it isn’t doing it to make you look stupid or feel bad, she is doing it because she wants you to change. And so don’t get annoyed with her (you’re the one being a douche after all); chances are, she understands that you didn’t mean what you said to be sexist, but without women willing to call men on being sexist, where would we be? The truth is, sexism is so deeply ingrained into the fabric of society that sometimes, it’s difficult to see it.
Please don’t misunderstand, I am categorically not saying that sexism of any form is okay. It’s not. And there are no excuses. The end. What I am saying, is that when a woman calls you on having said something sexist, you cannot afford to dismiss it. That is exactly how society remains the same which is not acceptable, we all, men and women, have a responsibility to try to change the institutionalised sexism. And this is important so listen up, as a man, you have just as much right, and arguably more of a responsibility, to call out sexism when you see it. There will be a number of people reading this who are of the opinion that it doesn’t affect them so why should they call it out. They don’t do sexist things but ultimately it isn’t there problem… Bull. Shit. One of the most famous sayings out there is that “evil triumphs when good men do nothing” and this applies here as well as it does anywhere else. If you aren’t part of the solution, if you aren’t willing to call people out for doing and saying sexist things, then you are part of the problem.
This post came about as a result of a conversation that I was witness to between two of my best friends this morning. They were talking about sexism and the way that men in general behave and my first reaction was to get defensive and moan about how they were generalising all men and that I wasn’t like that. I quickly realised that that is an absurd reaction and so instead I have spent the last 4 hours thinking about why I had that reaction which in turn lead to this post. I am more into feminism than most of the guys I know, and I am still a complete novice compared to literally any woman on the planet. I could spend years studying the history of feminism and feminist theory and they would still be the experts because they live their lives in a society that accepts sexism as a part of everyday life which means that I, as a male, can never hope to exceed, or even come close to their level of expertise.
I am aware that I sort of (completely) left the original question there but once I started writing it just kinda snowballed so sorry about that! If you got to the end, thanks for spending your time reading my ramblings, if you didn’t read it all and skipped to the end, that’s cool too, just so long as you took something away from what you did read, I’m happy!
