#wc timestamp

[whispered-confessions]

3.5.2025 | 10:05 a.m.

It has been a really bad mental health week for me. I’m depressed, I feel physically sick, and I’m supposed to be happy and excited to be going on a honeymoon with my husband, but we all know why that’s not the case.

ETS sent me a text this morning to check on me and I just told him that I wasn’t really feeling any better. And said that it was no big deal. Because I didn’t want him to worry. And he told me to call him, so I did and although it was a short call, he just let me cry on the phone with him. Which I don’t know if I’ve ever done with someone that’s not my husband. 

I felt so held by him. But also so embarrassed. And then I felt angry. Because he’s not mine. And he doesn’t know that I know that, but I do. And I don’t even know if I wish he was mine. But there are these little moments where he is so kind. It’s so gentle. And I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I remember that the other shoe was the fact that he is someone else’s.

And it just makes me sad even though I don’t even think I would want him like that if he was unattached. 

The last few weeks I have realized how desperate I am for emotional connection. How desperately I want to be known and seen by someone without having to overexplain myself. How bad I want someone to come into my life and stay.

I know my husband would stay if I would let him, but I just I don’t want him, not like this. I want someone who really gets me. I want someone who has the emotional capacity to love and understand complex emotions. I’m realizing while I can tell my husband pretty much anything, I cannot depend on him to responded in a way that makes me feel held and understood. The way VSD used to. The way Dev does sometimes. And the way ETS did this morning.

And it’s all so sad because none of these men are mine. And I’m pretty sure none of them wanna be. 

[whispered-confessions]

06.28.2026 | 6:00 p.m.

It's not lost on me that every time my husband leaves the house for an extended amount of time, I deep clean something.

I used to be the wife who nagged constantly about every little thing he didn't do or finish. Then he started stepping up, and for the most part, the stuff he forgets to do/finish doesn't bother me at this point (definitely the weed and the anxiety meds). We also got bigger problems.

Still, when he's gone, I like wiping all the surfaces, or washing the huge stack of laundry. I romanticize it too. I get high, I play music, I light candles, I dance around and give my pup kisses when he's vibing with the music.

It's just not lost on me that my instinct when he's gone is to clean and create immediate peace, the kind I had when I lived alone.

I kinda wanna live alone again.

[whispered-confessions]

06.21.2026 | 10:02 PM

Feeling like I don’t wanna be a wife anymore (again).

[whispered-confessions]

2.15.2026 | 1:04 a.m.

I had a good day with my husband. A really good day.

But I’m up at 1 AM spiraling because of Dev’s location. 

I texted him as we sat down for our dinner resy: what are you doing tonight? 👀

Silence.

I check his location. He’s in his hometown. Either her house or his moms. But if it were his mom, he would’ve texted back. He didn’t. It’s 1 AM and he still hasn’t. Nor has he read it.

He’s at her house. It’s Valentine’s Day and he’s at her house. At least I think he is. He’ll wake up in a few hours (on his birthday) and he’ll be with her. Some white woman that gets him simply because she admitted to liking him and I didn’t.

This is bullshit.

But also, I shouldn’t even care.

[whispered-confessions]

2.06.2026 | 10:22 p.m.

Dev and I have each other’s locations.

I think I said something that hurt him earlier this week (insinuated he was lacking critical thinking skills on a particular topic) and so he’s taking some time.

I wanted to check in and make sure he was okay, so I checked his location to see if he was home. He wasn’t, he was in his hometown. My mind immediately went to whether he was on his way to see the newest girl who’d confessed her love for him, the one he fucked anyway, despite knowing he didn’t feel the same.

And he keeps fucking her.

He’s probably fucking her as I type this.

Ugh. I hate that I’m jealous.

[whispered-confessions]

1.16.26 | 4:10 a.m.

It’s 4 AM and my brain won’t stop thinking/dreaming about Dev.

I found out Dev had sex with one of the many girls that expressed their love for him and I’m so bummed.

Is it that easy?

Do I just have to admit I like him for the opportunity to hit?

I guess I’m surprised by that.

We’ve been a lot more flirty in our convos and talk around the idea of hooking up all the time. He awkwardly confirmed responding to an IG story early on in our friendship because he thought I looked good.

But that’s not enough.

I want partnership. I want romance. I want grand gestures, great sex, emotional intelligence, and building something beautiful together. And if I’m really honest, I want a family. Dev cannot give me all those things right now. He knows he can’t. That’s why I keep quiet about my feelings.

I also don’t want to fall into the VSD trap. We’ve got mad chemistry and that feels so good, I’m addicted to it. But that doesn’t equal compatibility.

I believe in his dreams, I truly believe he’s on the cusp of his next big move, and I want to be around for it, but growth wise, he’s not where I need him to be to pursue anything. So I “suffer in silence.” I’m not actually suffering, it’s fine when I apply logic.

Idk. He’s headed to LA this week, potentially looking at a place to rent and when he said that my heart sank. LA is too far. He’s a musician and a producer, and it kinda makes sense, but it’s too far. When I told him that he “too from who?” and I couldn’t say me. I stuttered over my words and just said “everyone.” He laughed.

I think he’s watching everyone else change their lives around him and so he feels like he has to do the same. But he’s not thinking fully.

Idk. I’m trying to tread really carefully here. I don’t wanna ruin the friendship, but also the door seems to be open if I want to fuck. And I know I said that’s what I wanted, but now I’m not so sure. My husband and I are having a good moment that feels real and sustainable, ETS and I feel like friends, seems like VSD ain’t wanna bring me into 2026 and I completely understand and respect that.

Ugh. All these feelings because Dev fucked a girl he doesn’t even like. It made me so disappointed in him. I get wanting to fuck. I do too. But the discipline he talks about having versus his actions sometimes are very questionable. Now he’s frustrated this woman likes him too much. Uhhh duh dude. She said she liked you. You said you didn’t feel the same. She said let’s try and so you gave in and hit it? Fucking yikes.

Now that I know it’s that easy, I don’t even want it anymore fr.

[whispered-confessions]

1.06.2026 | 6:59 p.m.

Thought that I had in the middle of the day: I’m gonna stay home tonight, maybe me and hubby could spend intentional time together, watch a movie.

My thoughts now that my husband is home: I should’ve kept my plans. I’m annoyed by his presence, I can’t relax the way I want to and he’s been home for two hours and I’ve had to ask him to do several things around the house he should’ve done without my request.

I like him so much more when he’s not around. I think that means I like the idea of him more than the reality.

I have so little money saved up to leave. I bet on myself almost 2 years ago and started a consulting firm. Business is great and consistent, but not where I need it to be for me to keep up my lifestyle on my own.

That’s not why I’m holding on to this marriage though. At least not the only reason. In my mind, something will change. Things will get better. And they already have. Truly.

But it’s not consistent enough for me. And every misstep feels like a dagger to the heart. Like a betrayal. Much worse than it actually is. Humans aren’t perfect after all.

But after so much emotional abuse, I just don’t know if we can really heal this.

[whispered-confessions]

12.24.25 | 8:36 p.m.

A real thought I had tonight: Who would I even tell if I got divorced. Who could I trust?

Less than an hour later I get this text from my best friend of 12 years.

I forget that it won’t be easy to let go, but I have people in my corner. People who love me and would have my back through this.

Maybe it’s time to start being more vulnerable and honest about what’s really going on.