#we all get there eventually

[fatal-error-blog]

Remember, the universe only became the universe

when it shattered into dust.

[dirt-gremlin-ideas]

to celebrate this trans day of visibility i set up an appointment with a gender specialist so i can finally figure out this weird dumpster fire that is my remaining genders

[jayetheartist]

After the 2016 election, I threw myself into activism. I joined local orgs, I drove 16 hours each way to go to the Women’s March in DC, I sent letters and made calls and held postcard parties, I was a founding board member of the reinstated local NOW chapter, I participated in sit ins, I spoke in front of city council, I marched and organized marches. I ran for City Council as the first openly queer candidate in the city’s history.

I learned a lot. But after three years I stepped back because the truth was, we weren’t accomplishing much. Not because the work was hard and we expected too much too fast, but because the things we were doing weren’t ever going to be effective. We got really good at actions that made us feel better. We got good at being busy because it was an outlet for our anger and fear. What we did manage to accomplish was always in conjunction with more established, more experienced groups who led the way.

And after all that, I also realized that we’d never really built community, either. Orgs broke apart and went dormant and the members drifted apart because we never took the time to actually connect on a personal level. We worked okay together most days, but we didn’t like each other, or even really get to know each other.

The truth is, we’re not the first people to live under a crumbling government descending into fascism, and we won’t be the last. We’re not special. People survive by continuing to live their lives, finding ways forward, being resourceful and leaning on each other.

That’s not to say we should stop doing the activism-adjacent things that make us feel better, that are outlets for anger and fear - there’s a place for that in the mix. But attending rallies and engaging in online political discourse stopped making me feel better a long time ago, and I’m done pretending they accomplish anything. It’s unlikely I’m ever going to be the right person in the right place at the right time with the right resources to help stop what’s happening on a national or global scale, but if I stop chasing that unrealistic need to have a hand in “fixing” the world (as if it was ever “good”), I can be a better neighbor, a better member of my community. I can actually connect with people and have a real life community to be part of. I can be there when someone I know needs a meal or a ride or, as things escalate, if they need help surviving whatever threats come along. I accomplish more by hanging out with the local pagan group or inviting my unemployed friend over so I can cook her dinner than I ever accomplished in three years of frantic attempts at activism.