Aug 14
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I can't deal with this.
My psychiatrist told me to take melatonin--both of us hoping to avoid any other drug. So I have been. It's working, I'm sleeping better, but for the first time in years, I'm remembering my dreams. And they seem so real.
he was with her in dreams
So real, in fact, that in the middle of the night I wake up, tachycardic and I can't breathe. I can still see visages of you, flashing behind my eyelids. I fumble around, reaching for my phone in the dark, hurrying to see if my dream was real--did I dream it, or did you really change your profile picture to you with someone else? It feels so real that even now I check and recheck your profile, wondering...
I don't want your body but I hate to think about you with somebody else
Are you with someone else? I can still see the images from my dream, the different photos that I click through, over and over, ribs cracking and heart breaking and me falling apart. Why does my subconscious decide to torture me? Isn't this what I've feared most of all--you moving on? Have you moved on? I cannot move on. Why?
I stare at our text thread, silent since that day at the end of February. "Don't reach out," I repeat, over and over. What good would it do? I stare at your contact info, the call log. The last time I heard your voice.
Could I have done anything different to make you stay?
"I don't feel the same and I never will"
"Sorry to do this now with your ankle"
"Take care"
Take care.
Take care.
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my beef got ground
Yeah! Exactly. Its difficult not to get caught in the like, shit he still struggles and I look up to him so what does that mean for me??? Idk. It doesnt help that like backslide is probably the song of theirs that means the most to me because I am always so scared that im a burden to those who support me and while I think im doing good usually theres this miasma that lingers in the back of my mind. AND THATS ONE OF THE SONGS THATS STILL FRESH. Ugh. I dont think it helps that its that time of the month so im extra emotional. But also, hey, we got this community and space where we can feel and experience these things and we're not alone. Sorry to be sad in your ask box.
yeah you articulate it very well, the “what does that mean for me” part. it makes me so so sad and a bit hopeless but then i don’t think i’d want him to just. hide all of that ugly reality for our own sake either? so i don’t know what i want. for someone to lie and say it gets better when everything points in the opposite direction? i’m not sure. if that helps somehow i’ve been listening to drag path (digital remains version), kinda to remind myself that’s how they chose to Really end this story, not with center mass or backslide or snap back
"You gotta take care of yourself"
I ate something today, does that count?
playlist decided 4:49 am was a good time to spontaneously play Take Care songs. no no, that is dangerous my friend, bed time now😭