August 1, 2017
As I sit and contemplate the possibility that in the next few days (or even right now) I have a chance of being pregnant -- a small chance is still a chance after all -- I lament as I feel a familiar ache. It is an ache I’ve felt before, and often. The ache of an ovarian cyst. I get them a lot, usually every 1-2 months. And while I know I can be pregnant while I have an active cyst, we’re still in the early phase in the conception cycle. What if it’s the ovary that has the zygote / zygote-to-be? I know that such an occurrence would likely lead to termination, and this is something I was already prepared for going into the journey of conception. But it feels like I’m being kicked before getting out of the gate. Why couldn’t it have come a week earlier? Or later? Why now? As easy as it is to try to humanize -- then demonize -- this cyst, it is a biological function that neither it nor myself has any control over. It sucks, yes. But I need to avoid the trap of personification and despair. I need to remind myself that this was something we knew going in. We don’t want to *have* a kid so much as *be parents*. But sometimes it’s hard to keep things like that in mind when your body is at war with itself and your emotions are running rampant. But these things are to be expected. And that’s okay.
