#weight off

[gelana78]

Feeling good. Asserted myself today about Thanksgiving ahead of time.

Last year was the first Thanksgiving without my dad, and we went to my brother’s in-law’s relatives - sweet people, but I was miserably introvert stranger-danger anxious the whole time. Not into it.

Told my mom I didn’t want to go again this year - it was too weird. I would rather be alone than be the foundling holiday guest.

[skewgee]

"WEIGHT OFF" by KAYTRANADA, BadBadNotGood https://ift.tt/26Zn58o

[pcofshit]

[seadance]

Feels really hard to talk about myself or my thoughts these days. Feels complicated to voice my fears and my past. Everyone's pretending, everyone's hiding their insecurities and that works well for them, so I should too, right? It's hard to believe I'm deserving of love and happiness. I am trying to start believing in it. I've been trying to not sabotage myself, and it's been really hard. I have a lot of feelings, and they're confusing and I never know what's the best thing to do. I'm so scared. I don't want a distraction, and I'm not sure I'm ready to let go. But I do enjoy it, and it makes me happy. It just really scares me.

[lawsonslife]

18th

I’m currently trying to organise the family to get together for Jake’s 18th.  It’ll mark a very important occasion, my baby becoming a man.  And get all the family together. I want to make a post on social media, one about Jake and becoming an adult, which I’ll do on his 18th birthday, but I also want to make a post about my motherhood journey, and I don’t want this to overshadow Jake’s 18th, so I’ll do it about a week before.  I’m making a short video, with words alongside, to explain it.  I’m going to post the words here now, but if my social media is still available after my death, have a look for it. So you can see the photo’s too. “I don’t want Jake’s 18th, to be over shadowed by my Motherhood Story, so I’m sharing it now. As a child, I always knew I wanted kids, 3 kids. So when I was only blessed with 1, I knew I had to get things right. I had an horrendous pregnancy, suffering every single day with Hyperemesis, but I knew it would all be worth it. Unfortunately, I found myself in an unhealthy relationship. I didn’t want my son growing up, thinking that behaviour was normal. Being a single mum, was never part of the plan, but I knew it way my only option. So when Jake was 4, our proper story began. I was his first kiss, his first love and his first friend. He once told me “I’m the only person in the world, who’s heard your heartbeat, from the inside”. He's my whole world. It hasn’t been plain sailing, and the coercive behaviour I endured since I flew solo, is a whole different story (coming soon) But every social event I missed, being a single mum, without much help, every meal or luxury I skipped to make sure he was looked after, was all worth it. Every penny scrimped and saved, to make sure he had a holiday every year, and could play football, was my absolute pleasure. My biggest fear was, I’d die before he was 18, and my morals, standards, values and beliefs, would be forgotten. I’m not ill, but he’s an adult now, he doesn’t have to rely on parents to live, so it’s a massive weight off, all I own, will legally be his. We made it sunshine, my little Spud Bud.  Welcome to level 18.  Welcome to adulthood. I love you, forever. Mum x Things came to a bit of a head this weekend, let me give you the back story.  The previous weekend, Marcus had his son Junia.  He’s always been hard work in my opinion, maybe because I work with kids, and I teach them from day one, where as he has clearly been left to do what he likes, and is quite babyish.  Anyway, he causes drama at EVERY meal time, I mean EVERY time we sit to eat together.  There always has to be something.  Last weekend, Marcus had made him what he said he liked, but he still messed about with it, eventually slamming his plate down on the table and storming off.  Shouting at Marcus in the process.  It was disgusting behaviour, I haven’t seen anything like it from a child before.  I can’t stand that, I went home, and in fact in the end Marcus took Junia to his mums.  However, this weekend past and this whole week, Marcus has Junia as it’s half term.  Junia claims his mum and her friends have said that Marcus shouldn’t be happy, and Junia isn’t allowed to like me.  He also said he sometimes feels jealous of us. So, after talking to several people, including Marcus’s sister in law, I’ve decided to take a step back.  It won’t hurt Junia and I have to have space anyway, however, this is just another hurdle in a relationship I’m already struggling with. Louise (sis in law) said something to the effect of “You’ve done your parenting, don’t sweat it.  Let them bring him up and try and help him.  She said you’ve come from a hectic life with Jake’s dad, you’ve finally found peace, but now Marcus’s life brings you chaos, so move away from it, you didn’t sign up for this. It was such a weight to hear this from someone other than one of my friends.