#weird suggestions

[ominous-suggestion]

The church steps implore you. They are wide, and welcoming. Your arms are raised. They have been raised for hours now. They've been hurting for so long that you can no longer feel them. So little you can feel that you're one arm away from martyrdom. You've been hurting for so long, you can feel the arms of God.

[desertbluffs-suggestions-blog]

Real happiness is involuntary and a little bit painful.

[ominous-suggestion]

You turn your head, but no one is chasing you. You sit by the road to catch your breath. You relax. Hours have passed, now days, but there is no sign of them. Your skin itches with desire to be prayed upon. Your nails claw their way into your skin, but it doesn't feel the same. It's unbearably lonely to not be pursued.

[ominous-suggestion]

Ladies, gentlemen. As presidential elections are approaching, it is important to remind everyone of this year's voting procedure:

stand on your porch

scream the name of your preferred candidate

voters who manage to hit a perfectly pitched E sharp can proceed to their nearest voting centre

(don't forget to throw sharp rocks at your neighbouring D sharpers)

good luck!

[ominous-suggestion]

A stranger knocks on your door. You were expecting him. "Come in", he says, and you do. "We were expecting you", he says. "This is my own house!" you would have said, if you noticed. "Make yourself at home", he says, and you do.

[ominous-suggestion]

You enter your local butcher's shop. You've been going there for years, but today it is exceptionally cold, and every surface seems to have grown sharper. "Our main ingredient is love!" the sign reads. The butcher greets you lovingly. You swear you saw his pupils dilate.

[ominous-suggestion]

this week’s horoscopes

aries: the sun will not come up for days, but no one else will seem to notice. un-notice it too. it will only make you sadder.

taurus: would it not be fun if gravity didn’t apply to you? that is certainly not the case. please don’t try it from your rooftop. ....unless?

gemini: is a man with no acquaintances alive? we do not know, but we’re not sure we want to. please acknowledge us.

cancer: your subsription to Sanity has come to an end and you can obviously no longer comprehend this fact. why are we even telling you this? it’s not like you’d be able to renew it...

leo: παρακαλούμε μάθε αγγλικά. έχουμε κουραστεί να μεταφράζουμε.

virgo: we’ve noticed you’ve been getting a little bit bored. to make things more exciting, the names of public institutions are now jumbled up. it would be a pity if you were to need, let’s say, a “hospital”, wouldn’t it?

libra: we’re sorry about the trauma. you were your father’s thesis in psychotherapy and, apparently, he didn’t use any references.

scorpio: time is only an enemy if you’re easily disposable. uh oh!

sagittarius: in life, one should only move forward. from now on, no return tickets can ever be booked in your name.

capricorn: is it harder to forgive someone who actually hurt you, or someone who didn’t? do you forgive us for believing the latter?

aquarius: doors will stop working. yes, this is a philosophical statement. no, people won’t steal your stuff. we can’t believe you still don't understand, gregory.

pisces: d͏͈̫̜̩̹͈̱űm̙̝̣͡p͚̱ ͚͈͔͟h̡̼͉̻͈i̢̦̲͉m̨̟͕̹

[ominous-suggestion]

Today's sponsor is: Guardian Angels!

With the sole expense of Extreme Existential Guilt, you too can have your own daily divine vibe check!

Order one at www.benotafraid.com, or get involved in a life-threatening car crash for express delivery (additional fees may apply).