Literal definition: "Ableism is a set of beliefs or practices that devalue and discriminate against people with physical, intellectual, or psychiatric disabilities"
There are lots of big ways that this impacts society but there is a more subtle realm I'd like to shed some light on and offer encouragement around: Relationships, both romantic and otherwise.
"But My Person loves me and they're in a relationship with me, surely there isn't any ableism here?!"
If your partner has educated themselves and is committed to being a support to you and is right beside you in trying to create as barrier-free a life as possible? Nifty!
If you have ever heard some variation of "no one else would put up with this" or "why don't you appreciate how much I have given up to be with you" or "ugh, do we have to [do thing that promotes your safety and wellness]?" this post might be for you.
If you are a person that read the above statements and didn’t see anything wrong with them, this post is definitely for you.
First let me state an absolute: caring, respectful relationships prioritize wellness needs. Of ALL people in the relationship. If this is spouses, or parent-child, or best friends, or colleagues, or, or... CARING, RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIPS PRIORITIZE WELLNESS NEEDS
This can take a ton of forms:
Keeping allergens out of your shared space.
Backing your person up they’re being pressured into activities that would compromise their wellness
Researching best practices so your person doesn’t have to also be your sole educator
Doing your due diligence when it’s your turn to plan the group activity so you know a space is accessible and comfortable for mobility/sensory needs/available foods/potential triggers/etc
Encouraging your person to seek out counseling because after the third 911 call they’ve made for you, they’re feeling stress too, and it does not make them a bad person/partner/friend/sibling/whoever to need to talk to someone outside your connection
Cheering your person on in all their awesome outlets for passion and creativity, even if you can’t join in
There are a dozen more examples, even in generalities, and when you get into specific ways there at least hundreds.
But, to the best of your ability without undermining your own wellness needs, the underlying themes of consideration, engagement, and support are not ‘above and beyond’, these are absolute baseline, expected ways of being respectful and caring.
I literally wrote and erased four more paragraphs here belaboring this topic and also talking about when wellness needs clash BECAUSE THAT IS A SUPER REAL THING THAT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT IN A NON- SHAMING WAY but I decided to try and stay on track.
A sampling of ways that I have grown + learned in order to have a rich circle of awesome folks with a variety of needs in my life:
developed the habit of offering frequent reassurance that they have a place in my life and reassurance that I don’t mind reassuring them
bought unscented hippie deodorant for days I’m going to see a friend
figured out sustainable ways to participate in other folk’s safety plans for self harm or suicidal ideation
learned the ins and outs of the ideal movie theater experience when with a wheelchair user
learned vegetarian recipes
gone to early service at church because it was less sensorily overwhelming for my friend than the later service
gotten better at verbally guiding someone with visual impairment
learned more calming techniques
became more sensitive to how many American English idioms rely on food and violence and mobility to convey meaning
became more patient and comfortable with just sitting with someone when I couldn’t solve their pain
became more confident in naming my own wellness needs to my friends and loved ones so I could also receive consideration and care
But let’s take this back to the title: relationships and ableism. The folks in my life that have helped me identify new ways to grow are often ridiculously grateful. Why do I say ridiculously? Because it is ridiculous that they have had to live lives that taught them a friend or loved one doing the bare minimum to acknowledge their needs, dignity, and agency deserved effusive praise.
Ableism is any practice or attitude that devalues an individual with a disability. How are you valued? How do you value those around you?
Is your foundational attitude that we all deserve to have our wellness needs acknowledged and supported as much as possible?
Or does that only hold true if you understand the need or you don’t have to learn anything new to accommodate the need or if you’ll receive acknowledgement for meeting the need?
And a special message to my folks that are in relationships where they are made to feel like a burden or have their wellness needs ignored or undermined: You are worth being seen as more than your needs. You are absolutely worth the learning and growing someone may need to do that will let them be a respectful, positive part of your life. Please don’t believe anyone that says they treat you better than anyone else will. That person is likely either abelist or manipulative or both. You are not a sum of difficulties. You are probably pretty nifty and most likely there are folks in the world that would be thrilled to meet you and connect with you and be part of each other’s lives, even through your rough days.
In a world that is not shaped to affirm your value, it may be hard to hold onto your worth. But please know that you are allowed to look for and ask for relationships that lift you up and prioritize your wellness and that help you both survive and thrive.
