#wendydarling007

[lostxstboy]

wendy darling.

         ❝ ˛✦ ⊰ WHEN HE LOOKED away from her despite her efforts to have their gazes meet, wendy sighed, her fingers fumbling with the hem of her shirt. “ why ? “, the girl asked, her voice barely a whisper. why would she have to believe in something she knew wasn’t real – wasn’t that just going to break her heart even more ? even though believing in something was a beautiful thing and back in the days, there wouldn’t be a single thing wendy darling wouldn’t have believed in, but right now it was hard. because heart break was real, and it was scary. and for the first time, she wasn’t entirely sure whether it was worth holding onto hope for a lost case if it meant risking getting your heart broken again.

          as peter remained silent, wendy could feel her heart drop even further with every second that passed by. if he felt the same way – if he felt s o m e t h i n g, at least – wouldn’t he tell her ? would he let this chance of admitting it slip up when she paved the path for him to do so ? perhaps it wasn’t fair of her to expect more of him than he’d ever proved doing. talking about his feelings would be a first… he never did it in the past aside from expressing hate or disgust concerning the human spectrum of emotions. why would that change ? why would s h e be the one initiating that change ? once again, wendy had to remind herself this wasn’t a fairytale. this was real life. and in real life, expectations only set one up for disappointment.

              when the guy finally allowed their gazes to find each other, a sigh fell from wendy’s lips before she let her teeth sink down into her lower one. for a second she was taken back to when everything was still alright. to their first encounter, their countless adventures, the night she was supposed to run away with him – when she’d seen the excitement in his deep eyes and how it turned into disappointment and confusion in the blink of an eye. she had seen so much in his eyes, so it was more than easy to get lost in them even in the hardest of times. but it were his words that pulled her back to the present, and she nodded her head softly as she finally looked down again.

               “ i do. “, she replied silently, a petite smile on her features. even though that was the last thing she wanted to ponder over at the moment, wendy had to face the truth of his feelings towards tinka. “ she’s your best friend. she’s more important to you than anyone and she knows you better than anyone. and vice versa. and you… you kissed her. she’s in your heart, on your mind… and i get it. “. and with that, she simply wanted to forget about it. or at least, curl up in a ball on her bed and tell herself she would forget about it, at some point. and then he stepped back, as she had requested prior, and before she could say good bye he was gone again – and she knew it was for the best.

the end.

[lostxstboy]

wendy darling.

          ❝ ˛✦ ⊰ WHY DID HE keep arguing ? didn’t he get it ? hoping for the heart of a boy who had obviously given it to someone else already was stupid. having a crush on a boy who doesn’t care for feelings or romance is stupid. thinking a happy ending is something that happens regularly in real life is stupid. for the longest time, wendy darling had been writing stories – fairytales about fairies and pirates and mermaids and princes kissing princesses only to marry them and ride off into a beautiful ‘ and they lived happily ever after ‘ sunset – and at some point, she must’ve started mixing up her stories with reality. in a fairytale – her fairytale – she wouldn’t have had to choose between peter and her family; she wouldn’t have been crying in her bed after he left for months, because he wouldn’t have left in the first place; she would’ve had both her family and the boy she’s in love with and she would be happy. she would wake up every day beside peter pan, get ready for another college day where she’d be majoring in literature and in her spare time, she’d go off adventuring with peter, her brothers and the lost boys like they did in the good old days or write on a novel both her parents would support and believe in. in her fairytale, peter wouldn’t go kissing tinka, and her father wouldn’t be so demanding and he would support her dreams, not break them down to nothing. obviously, she wasn’t living her fairytale. she was living in the real world – and it was time for her to let go of those ridiculous hopes and accept that her happy ending isn’t how she’d written it down to be.

          when he stepped closer to her and raised his voice, wendy’s eyes went wide for a hot second and she stumbled back a step. of course she knew he wasn’t going to hit her – he was peter pan, she still trusted him more than anyone, despite everything they were currently going through – but she didn’t expect him to reach for her. so, when his hand met her cheek ever so softly, wendy could feel how her breath caught in her throat. for a second, it was so easy to forget about what had happened, about all the reasons that made her so upset. for a second, all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around his neck, hide her face against his shoulder and whisper just how sorry she was. but her voice of reason caught up with her before she could do much more than simply touch his hand with her own fingertips, her eyes still locked with his. she w a s upset with him. he h a d kissed tinka. he d i d  n o thave feelings for her. so, with a sigh, the brunette pushed his hand back slowly before taking a step back. “ they’re not real. “, she finished his sentence. “ and if believing they are doesn’t make me stupid, then at least they make me naive. “.

              as soon as she’d admit having a crush on him, wendy could visibly notice his expression changing. it broke her heart even further, because even though she knew he wouldn’t be jumping with joy if she would finally tell him the truth about her feelings, a part of her still hoped he would at least s a y something. hell, in her perfect fairytale, he would tell her he had a crush on her as well. but once again, wendy needed to remind herself this was the real world, and not some dumb, childish fairytale.

               with her breath still held, wendy awaited a reaction – something; anything – but as he remained silent, the brunette wondered whether he was planning an escape route in his head. if he’d stumble backwards any further, he would fall back out of her window and god knows, he may disappear again for months. off to neverland, or whatever place his heart beats for – clearly, it wasn’t here. in her room. perhaps it was in tinka’s room… that thought was like a slap in her face and she immediately fixed her eyes on the floor. she felt ashamed for acting the way she did; for being jealous of tinka bell whilst out of the two of them, wendy darling was supposed to be the kind-hearted, loving one. jealousy wasn’t in her dictionary… then why did she feel it so profoundly?

                the words that fell from his lips when he finally decided to speak up again, made her shake her head. “ i know. “, she replied, her voice – broken and small – nothing but a whisper. even though peter tried to avoid her gaze, wendy needed him to look at her. taking a step back in his direction, she carefully brought her fragile hand up to his shoulder before moving it up to his chin. slowly, she lifted it up so he had no choice but to look at her. “ you don’t do feelings. romance. love. “, she continued in the softest voice. with her hand dropped back beside her, “ i do know you. and i hope you know me too... “, a petite smile tugging at her lips as she tried to produce a warm smile. “ so maybe one day you’ll understand why i’m upset, peter pan. “, wendy whispered, her voice breaking. “ i think… i think it’s best if you leave now. i’m sorry. i just.. i need some time to think. “.

          In the small moment the tips of her fingers brushed against his skin peter found himself terrified and to tell the truth, he wasn’t quite sure himself what he was more afraid of – that she didn’t understand him still or that she did. he wouldn’t know how to deal with either. his eyes closed, pressing shut tightly as he shook his head in a quick manner to disagree, of course, but to shake the saddening thought of neverland out of his mind too. “ sometimes,  “ he whispered, not daring to look back at her, not even daring to open his eyes again right now, “ the fact that it’s not real makes you have to believe in it all the more. “ and ironically, although he only thought about his biggest dream he’d lost, his words mattered to so many things more.

          His hands fell as she pushed them away from her, a silent sigh leaving his lips which somehow ( for potentially the first time in his life ) seemed to take all energy from him. he didn’t admit defeat because peter pan would never allow the disgrace of being the one to give up in a fight, but he certainly felt at a loss — because she liked him. the smile his heart suggested wasn’t able to reach his face, instead a deep frown engraved onto his forehead, eyes narrowing and lips pressing into one thin line.

         He knew it should be easy – he’d fallen asleep during enough romantic movies his friends forced him to watch with them, only to wake up mid-way and find no one, not a single person struggling to express their emotions – and he knew that in a fairytale, in a fairytale wendy would write, she’d find a way to twist and turn this situation into a happy ending and the ‘ happily ever after ‘ which stood in every fairytale’s last line — but he just wasn’t a fairytale.

          He was just a boy.

         Peter’s gaze lifted as her gentle touch moved along his shoulders, his eyes meeting hers although he did not want them to, wanted them much less to when he noticed the sadness within hers, and he could hear them; everyone who suggested him to ‘ talk it out ‘ with his lost boys who needed fixing and with his best friends to fix himself. he could hear them say how easy it would be to talk it out with her too and fix things before they’d break entirely, and perhaps they were right and it was easy for everyone else but him. how would it be? he wasn’t raised on ‘talking it out ‘, he raised himself to be stubborn to hate all adults and meet their attempts to question him with a striking silence, to swing his hands and feet at them as soon as they wanted to dare touch him. he’d never lived among healthy families who’d have maybe been able to teach him better and by the time him and the rest of the lost boys had grown up enough to be more than just children playing with one another, the resistance had become a part of him.

        “ Then you know what tink means to me too, “ he whispered under his breath. that he loved his little tinka bell with all of his heart, that he owed her for more than even he realised and she meant undoubtfully more than anything in this world to him. she was his best friend, the one he did not remember a life without and the one who’d shaped so much of him — but in all the importance she carried for him, she was just that. he nodded then, his frown growing deeper although it’d seemed impossible only a moment prior, and though there were many things left to say, some he should’ve perhaps said too, peter did not deny her request, stepping backwards and away from her until he turned around to escape through the window.

[lostxstboy]

wendy darling.

           ❝ ˛✦ ⊰ WENDY WASN’T SURE how long the two of them had stood there, staring at each other with all sorts of different emotions ghosting across their features. it wasn’t until now, when her breathing started to slow down again and her heartbeat got a tad bit calmer, that wendy realised just how worked up she’d gotten. how her nails had started to dig into the palms of her hands and her breaths came out in pants the second she’d stopped talking. the brunette still felt how tears were rolling down her cheeks, but she no longer tried to stop them. why did it still matter ? by now, peter had seen her cry. and he had heard her voice break. and he had noticed the defeat and anger and irritation and… sadness, in her eyes. there was no way to turn that back. even if she wanted it to, so badly – even if she wished with all of her heart that she could go back to the night she was supposed to run away with him to actually do it. it was all t o o  l a t e  now.

          shaking her head upon hearing his reply, the brunette sighed and looked down. she wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep doing this – argue with him. it was exhausting, and it hurt her more than words could even begin to describe. peter was her friend… no, he was her b e s t  f r i e n d. why couldn’t that be enough for her ? wendy knew that she was probably overreacting. and she knew that she had no real reason to be upset. and she knew that, any good friend would care more about a friendship than about a stupid, silly crush from a stupid, silly girl – that she was ought to value peter as a friend, and accept that maybe they were never meant to be anything more than that: f r i e n d s. wendy knew this, and she’d scolded herself plenty of times for acting so childishly, and naively. but as the saying goes, the heart wants what it wants – it made her act stupidly. and unreasonably. and overwhelmingly, probably. however that only went to show just how much she cared… and how she simply couldn’t let it go. she couldn’t let h i m go. even though this maybe was the sign she needed to give it up.

              “ if i’m brilliant, than why didn’t i see it coming ? “, wendy asked, her voice silent as her bright eyes were fixed on her feet. “ why did i allow myself to… fall for a fairytale ? “, she continued, disappointment ( not in him, but in herself ) make her voice unsteady. the brunette tried to relax her fingers, stretching them out again so they would no longer dig into her hands, leaving marks which would remind her of this conversation for days – as if she needed something to remind her of it. wendy knew it’d ghost through her mind every woken second of the day for god knows how long. “ life is not a fairytale and i k n o w this. and still… still i fell for it. and believed in it. and hoped for it. it’s… it’s s t u p i d. “, the brunette eventually came to the conclusion before lifting her gaze again, her eyes hoping to find his as she needed him to look at her. “ you, out of all people, should agree with me that a c r u s h is stupid. “, she whispered. wendy knew peter pan – and everyone who knows peter pan knows that if there’s one thing the guy repulses, it is love. and romance. and crushes.

                when he told her to stop, that he did remember her and he didn’t know she wanted him to think about her and, most importantly, that he didn’t know she still wanted h i m, wendy shook her head once as she inhaled deeply, letting her fingers run through her locks. “ peter… “, she tried but her voice failed her as her heart started beating faster, her fingers trembling. “ no… no, i… i was h o p i n g you’d still think about me. “, she told him, ticking her fragile finger against her chest, pointing at herself. with tears burning in her eyes again, the brunette tilted her head softly as she hoped to find his eyes which he desperately tried to avert. “ no, i… “, wendy hesitated, her lower lips trembling ever so softly as she shook her head. “ all i e v e r wanted, peter, is y o u. “. how could he think she didn’t want him, whatever that may mean in his vocabulary. this was all her fault, wasn’t it ? she had been blaming him for months while, actually, she was the only person to blame. if she hadn’t rejected him… if she had run away with him just like the plan had been… then this conversation wouldn’t be taking place, would it ? then maybe – just maybe… hopefully… – the guy would not have kissed the one person who was supposed to be his best friend in the world. she had no one to blame but h e r s e l f.

                reaching out for him slowly as peter turned away from her, wendy wanted to tell him she was sorry. but her hand stopped moving once it was halfway there, and instead of continuing until it rested on his shoulder, wendy dropped it beside her body once again. he remained silent, and for the millionth time in their friendship, the brunette wondered what was going on in his head. maybe hearing his thoughts, his questions, would stop the ones raging through her own mind. taking a step in his direction, wendy shook her head and reached for his shoulder once again until the words fell from his lips, freezing her on the spot. he was g l a d she didn’t come ? if she believed the words ‘ i kissed tink ‘ had hurt her beyond words, than she sure hadn’t been prepared for this. it was as if he’d forced a knife through her heart with his previous confession – a knife he probably didn’t even know he was holding because peter was simply oblivious, wasn’t he ? once upon a time wendy admired this. liked this, even… except now – and twisted it once more, as if he wanted to make sure it’d leave a scar. taking a step back again, wendy shook her head and wiped at her cheeks another time, turning around as well now. with her arms crossed in front of her chest, wendy let out a shaky sigh as she looked up at the ceiling, hoping the tears would disappear. “ i guess… i guess it’s good to finally know how you really think about it. “, she mumbled.

   Furrowing his brow peter stared into the empty side of her room stretching out in front of him — the room he had gotten to know much better than he would have ever anticipated. from the beginning, it had played such a key-role in the friendship they’d built. it was her window he’d always climbed through, her floor he’d slept on all those nights he’d forgotten to leave and she’d forgotten to let him go, it was here where he paced up and down in excitement, grinning widely at the stories she wrote about him. it was here where they’d met to leave together, to reunite when he’d come back, to attempt being the same wendy and peter from over a year ago, and now they’d met here to do this. peter could feel the anger burn in his eyes ( — anger, because he refused to acknowledge the stinging sensation as tears ). it felt like an end, and peter with his hopeful and childish heart hated endings more perhaps even than he hated hook nowadays. it was the reason he didn’t know his favourite movie had a tragic finale, why he hadn’t finished a single book he’d been supposed to read in high school, why he hated saying good bye.

    His head turned a little, not enough to look at her, not even enough for her to be able to take a glance at his face and the narrowed expression across it, but it showed that he listened — it just hid the terror which her words awakened. to lose the naivety in your heart seemed perhaps like a necessity or even like one of life’s inevitabilities, but it wasn’t !! by far the bigger tragedy was to allow reality to steal all hope from you than to have to admit every once in a while that you were stuck in the tougher part of the story, just patiently waiting for the situation to shift again into something better. wendy couldn’t lose her belief. she wasn’t allowed to !! he would not let that happpen. “ it’s not stupid !! “ in a sudden flash of frustration ( and panic for he did not want her to lose all her wendy-ness ), peter spun around to her, stepping closer as he did so and his hand, suddenly free of all weight, lifted up to her face. his touch was light, the tips of his fingers barely even gracing her skin, but it was all he trusted himself to do, the inch of space between the palm of his hand and her cheek giving him an odd sense of security. “ you are not stupid, “ he repeated, his voice more gentle now, showing nothing but sincerity. “ that’s what fairytales are for. you’re right to believe in them, you have to. you’re an author, wendy, you know they are – “

    A metaphor?

    Peter could practically feel how his face suddenly fell, leaving a blank unreadable expression as he stared at her, his eyes – wide and unbelieveing – just a small indicator of the chaos and confusion the word ‘ crush ‘ had left behind. maybe he still didn’t understand it or maybe the concept of wendy darling having a crush on him just didn’t fit into the world peter pan had created in his head — whichever the truth was, was for him to know and for wendy to guess.

    Frozen in place one could practically see how his brain started working, skimming through the catalogue of everything he knew to find a fitting place for this — but the fairytale was him, orthem rather, and the only empty line where such sentence made sense was a page he’d considered to have ended the night he left and his brain, orphaned at such a young age and risen in the foster system, had translated her decision not to come with him and remain with her family instead into a decision against him. his own broken heart hadn’t helped him think rational, to realise it didn’t always have to be either / or when it came to making choices and she could pick her family and still want him to be there too.

    Peter stumbled a step backwards. now, he had come here expecting to speak about emotions, but he’d wanted to talk about the lost boys and about the argument he’d had with nibs. he’d been prepared to hear about their emotions by someone who was actually capable of empathy. he was not prepared for wendy’s. he was not prepared to face his own, and yet it washis fault that they had ended up right here. another step backwards. because he’d kissed tink; his best friend who’d always been jealous of the time he spent with wendy and who he within the past six months had begun to spend more time with than anyone — so if tink had taken wendy’s place, did that mean wendy had taken tink’s? was she jealous? one more step, and peter’s attenion focused fully on wendy again, because of all things wendy being jealous seemed the most unlikely.

    “ I don’t – “ know what to say, but even those few words were beyond his vocabulary right now. “ you know me. “ and it wasn’t meant to say ‘ you know i hate romance and love and everything close to it ‘ although it might seem different, it was the silent ( unfair ) plea asking her to understand him, but how would she? as long as she didn’t know neverland didn’t exist, she’d not understand he was glad she didn’t leave the town for nothing, that she didn’t have to deal with the same disappointment as he did. as long as she didn’t know why he had kissed tink, she’d never get the meaning of it either. all she knew was that he was quite a mess and every time she looked at him he was staring of elsewhere.

[lostxstboy]

wendy darling.

            ❝ ˛✦ ⊰ IN ANY NORMAL situation, wendy would stand down and apologise. she would feel bad for lashing out, for getting upset, for not listening ( the only reason peter had truly stopped by her tonight ). and maybe, when the whirlwind of emotions will have calmed down and she would be left alone with herself again, those regrets will kick in. but right now, she was, well, pretty much blinded by an overwhelming, soul-crushing sadness and disappointment. and what made it even worse was the fact that she had no clue how to get it out. how to explain w h y she felt the way she did. did it even make sense to blame him for everything that has changed since he’d left ? did it even make sense to be mad ? and sad ?to bystanders, probably not. but to wendy all the more. because it had gotten painly clear just much the lost boy meant to her… and it had gotten even more clear how he was absolutely oblivious about it.

           “ yes, i am. “, she refuted, shaking her head as she wiped at her cheeks once more. “you have no idea just how stupid i am. “, and with that, she cast her gaze down, unable to bear his eyes on her when she admitted defeat. she was stupid to believe peter pan would see her as more than just ‘ the mother of the lost boys ‘ ; as more than that girl who was willing enough to play mother and father with him when they were younger ; as more than just ‘ the wendybird ‘. she was stupid to hope for more when it was obvious that peter pan didn’t seek more – at least, not with h e r. she was stupid to believe life was a fairytale and everything has a happy ending.

            shaking her head when he said he didn’t know, wendy frowned and looked up, her vision blurry because of the tears still stinging in her eyes. “ didn’t know w h a t ? “, she asked, uncertain of what he meant. normally, wendy’s words were laced with nothing but kindness and warmth when directed at peter pan – but right now, they sounded broken, and distant. and there was nothing she could do about it.

             when he repeated her words, wendy could feel frustration grow once again. “ i don’t get how you can be so blind ! why do you not want to see ? “, she asked, a question which had been on her mind for a long while now but she’d never dared to ask, because she knew peter pan. she knew he was a boy at heart – always had been, always would be. maybe it was wrong of her to hope for him to open his heart up to her. to accept that there is more to life than just adventures and childish fun. but right now, when hope started to fade ( not because of him refusing to acknowledge emotions persistently, but because of him showings o m e to the one person that wasn’t her ), it started to ring true – he would never open up his heart to her. he would never admit defeat to emotions. to l o v e. not to her, at least. and that hurt more than words could express. when he spun it around and made it about her not coming along, another wave of tears washed over her. d a m n i t. he was right, and she knew he was. she had a chance to join him, but didn’t. she had a chance to leave with him, and be with him, but she didn’t. and frankly, wendy had been regretting it lately – more so than peter would ever believe. “ i didn’t expect you to stay, peter. i knew it was your dream to go. “, she whispered, her voice suddenly silent. “ i wanted you to remember me. or give a sign of you thinking about me. because i thought of you every minute of the day. “, her voice breaking near the end of her sentence. when he asked once again why she didn’t come with him, her heart broke and she shook her head, running her fingers through her wavy locks. “because forever is an awfully long time. i couldn’t leave my family behind forever. no matter how much i wanted to come with you. “, she said silently. part of her knew he would probably never understand. and she didn’t mean that in a malicious way – some people just didn’t find it as hard to leave everyone and everything behind. to wendy darling, her family meant everything and leaving them behind was something she could never do. “ i love my family so much… and i couldn’t bare the idea of never seeing them ever again. i was… neverland was so uncertain. the thought of no knowing where we’d end up, whether we’d ever return… all the questions… it s c a r e d me. “, the brunette continued, honestly, as she finally looked back up at him.

             the question which rolled from his lips last had her frowning. what h a d changed? “ apparently, a lot. “, her words were merely a whisper as she wiped at her cheeks, his earlier confession spooking through her mind again. “ i guess i stopped believing in my fairy tales. i guess i stopped wanting everything – realised i can’t have it all. “, so it seems, she cannot have her family a n d peter.

    Complete bewilderment was written across peter’s face as he stood, staring at his little bird — watching the tears falling from her eyes in an infinite stream, the distress in her features, theinsecurities coming from her lips. he wanted to reach out, lean in and wipe the sadness from her wetted cheeks but he couldn’t. his hands felt tied to the ground, the past eighteen years weighing them down, and as much as it hurt his heart to see wendy darling cry in front of him, cry becauseof him too, there was nothing he knew to do to stop them. the mere fact that he remained still, that for one of the few and rare times in his life peter pan stopped running –running away from situation like these, from everyone’s emotions and his own – strained him more than anyone would ever be able to understand.

    “ No !! “ he was shaking his head in earnest, long before she had finished the insult directed at herself, “ no, you’re not !! you’re brilliant. “ not a scientist perhaps and maybe not always the one on top of her every class, but brilliant nonetheless and smart and with a stunning mind.being perfectly book smart didn’t matter in the real world and if it did, it did not matter to peter — not when he’d never cared about anything but his friends, not when he spent his childhood frowning at adults who tried to use logic when explaining heartbroken children why they were orphaned and most certainly not when adults like george darling existed who stomped onto his children because he was ‘ clever ‘ and knew about stock and shares. being understanding was more important to peter pan and if you asked him, it showed of much greater cleverness.

    Tension was visible in peter’s jaw the more his little bird spoke, his fingers curling to dig into the palms of his hands because it was frustrating; all of it — that he had hurt her by leaving, by not coming back and by being back too, and most infuriating of all, that she apparently believed him to know that he did. a silly little assumption. “ stop !! just… stop thinking i didn’t remember you !! “ the truth was far from it. the truth was that there hadn’t been a single place he could’ve gone to where she wouldn’t already have been waiting for him, pointing out all the things the realwendy would surely like to see and reminding him that she didn’t because it had meant leaving with him. “ i didn’t know that you would want me to think about you !! “ peter replied, his voice so much louder in comparison to hers, and as much as he wanted to understand her, his mind did not manage to put the pieces of information she offered to him into one coherent entity. it was a puzzle to him, one with battered pieces which made it all the more difficult for a boy like peter – one with a terrible attention span and impulsive mannerisms – to put an order to the mess. “ i didn’t know you still wanted – “ peter cut himself off, turning his head to the side to take his eyes off her, to be able to think without her tears stealing all sensibleness ( or the little he had of it )from him. “ – me. “ no one else had had the chance to come with him, to tell him it was a foolish idea or even to ask him to stay. so how was he supposed to understand her; the only person to have a choice, letting him go as anything else but that? in what world did an unspoken good bye mean ‘ i want you to come back to me ‘? not in peter’s.

    The lost boy breathed out a heavy sigh and he had to turn away from her fully now, his hands flying up to cover his face because even with his back turned to her, even with tears and anger blurring her vision, he could not stand the thought of letting her see his reaction to her explanation. it was stupid, because he knew how much the darling family loved each other, what happy and simple family they’d been before peter pan had decided to disturb their peace, and it was pathetic, because peter could feel his heart beginning to ache all over again — moreperhaps than it had before when he’d believed she simply did not want to come with him. instead, she had been scared?! peter could practically feel the weight of all the questions, all the ‘ what if’s ‘ he’d been asking himself and disregarding since the day he left, hitting him with full force again. what if she hadn’t been scared? what if she’d have come with him? what if the past year could’ve been entirely different? and between all the questions was one that stuck out, written in loud capital letters.

    WHY? why had she been scared but also why hadn’t he been? why didn’t she tell him then? why, if wendy darling blamed him for not ‘ seeing it ‘, did she not see that he would’ve done everything for her? why didn’t she get how ( all of his strong believing and seeking of adventure aside ) it had been just as uncertain for him as it had been for her and that part of the reason he hadn’t been scared was her? because how awful could life really be if you had wendy moira angela darling to wake up to, to share your adventures with? peter groaned, hands falling to his side again and he did not dare to look at her then. not when she told him how she’d grown up, and most definitely not when his own lips parted as though to say they’d be fine, that changes didn’t have to mean evil and they could work this out — only that he didn’t.

     “ I’m glad you didn’t come with me. “ that was something that had also changed.

[lostxstboy]

wendy darling.

             ❝ ˛✦ ⊰ AS SOON AS the words had left his lips, wendy’s smile disappeared from her face as quickly as it had appeared on it, the second her eyes had fallen on his frame sitting on the floor of her bedroom. her window had been open, it always was – a default for years and years. ever since the day she met him, wendy had not locked her window, not even when he left. and whenever she’d return home to find that her father had locked h i s way of entrance, the eldest darling went into a tiny frenzy – what if he’d come back ? what if he’d wanted to climb through her window and found it locked ? she’d disappointed him once, she didn’t want to do it a second time. she couldn’t lose him a second time, even though he wasn’t even hers to lose. not anymore. not back then, at least… and she wasn’t even sure he was now.

            even though it had been so simple, it took the brunette a while to process it – as if a whirlwind of thoughts had been set off in her mind and she was standing in the very middle of it, watching as questions turned around and around, demanding her attention while she herself could do nothing but stare at the chaos starting to form. she was oddly calm, blinked a couple times as she stared at the boy who didn’t even dare to stare back while dropping the news on her…

           no matter how cheesy or cliché it may sound, wendy felt her world collapse around her. “ wh – what ? “, it was a dumb question, she was aware. but wendy darling had always been a hopeful person, despite the fact that it made her incredibly naive at times. maybe she’d heard it wrong. maybe her mind was deceiving her. maybe this was just all a bad dream… as the latter option passed by, the girl subtly brought her hand down to her leg, pinching it only to feel a brief pain appear the very same second – no, unfortunately, she was very much awake. shaking her head, it was as if wendy finally found out how to move again. “ but… w h y ? “, she asked, her voice shaking slightly as she tried to keep her composure. she shouldn’t make such a big deal out of this, should she ? she was in no p l a c e to do so. yet she couldn’t force back the tears which were burning in her eyes, and she couldn’t stop her hands from trembling, her voice from shaking, her heart from racing. as the question which had left her lips moments earlier caught up with her again, the brunette shook her head as she lifted her hand to let her fingers run through her wavy locks. “ no, just… don’t answer that. “, it was a whisper, but she knew he’d hear. she didn’t want to know the answer, because she was afraid of it…

           getting up from her bed to start pacing towards the window, her back facing the boy who’d been the reason for her greatest joys, as well as biggest heartbreaks ( so it seems ), wendy frantically started wiping at her cheeks to remove any signs of tears – but it was in vain, wasn’t it ? they kept streaming down her face, as if she was no longer in control. “ all this time… “, she let out in a shaky voice which was so silent, directed more to herself than to him. “ god, i am so stupid. “, and she truly was, right ? it should’ve been so clear all along. she was just too damn stubborn to admit to what she suspected deep down from day one.

            “ why did you have to leave peter pan ? “, wendy then asked after a moment of silence, turning around now as she felt irritation and anger and sadness and disappointment crash onto her all at once. it left her trembling, yet she managed to step closer to him. “ you went and everything changed ! “, she continued, stopping only a couple inches away from him. “ every… every d a y i’ve been waiting for you. every d a y i’ve wanted to write but i c o u l d n ‘ t because you weren’t around. every d a y i’ve been checking my phone constantly for a text. or a call. or anything. a sign that would show that you at least t h o u g h t of me, the way i thought of you every minute of the day. “, unable to stop, wendy felt her tears rolling down her cheeks as she spit out the words, fighting through sobs. she didn’t want to break down in front of him, she didn’t want to cry before him – f o r him – because he was just a boy. but that was the thing, wasn’t it ? that he w a s n ‘ t just a boy. he had never been just a boy. not to the lost boys. not to h e r. never to her. but at this point, she wondered whether he even knew as much. “ and then you came back as if n o t h i n g happened. as if everything wasn’t suddenly different. and i tried so hard to push passed it. i tried so hard to get back to where we were… “, she continued, shaking her head as she wiped at her cheeks. “ you will never get it, will you ? you will always be such a b o y. “, and with that, the last word falling from her lips as if it were a bad thing, the brunette balled her hands into fists.

    The silence which followed his confession had a tension mingled within it which peter could only compare to the daunting feeling inbetween seeing a lightning strike in the middle of a storm and the thunder which would follow soon after. he always counted it, he always needed to know how far away it was and when it would hit them because he needed to know everyone in safety by then — that none of his boys were in the hangman’s tree or an open field on their way home, that they all would be there to see the magical moment of the sun breaking through the clouds again. even now, peter found himself, tension wandering up his spine, skin crawling, hairs standing, counting the seconds of silence until wendy spoke again, and he tried – not with his knowledge about emotions, because there wasn’t much, but with everything he knew aboutthunderstorms – to calculate when it would hit them, when it would be too late to escape.

    Breathing out as she moved to stand up, moved to get away from him, his shoulders sank a little further and the hands which had so pathetically attempted to shield him from her reaction slid just a little lower, fingers now pressing into his eyes as though his force alone could push the tingling feeling of approaching tears and his inner turmoil back to the part of his heart he’drepressed for months. he didn’t regret what he did, he still stood by his words that peter pan never regretted anything — but with tink confronting him, with nibs confronting him and the rest of his boys having no fear to show him he had messed up when leaving either, it was becoming more and more difficult not to succumb to the words his closest friends and his only family told him — which now even his little bird told him.

               It was his fault.

    Peter pushed himself up from where he had been kneeling, moving slow and sluggish as he found all of his energy – or the little he had left from it after his conversation with nibs – stolen by her spleen risen voice and the look on her face which even peter pan did not need translated to understand she was hurt. “ you’re not stupid, “ he whispered quietly, knowing that that part wasn’t important to her, that it wasn’t answering any of the questions she had for him, but all the more he felt the need to say it — because she was smart and had a way with words that painted them right into reality. she was warm and kind, and for all the times peter had been at the end of a joke because he who’d always been so staunch on ‘ lost girls ‘ not existing in neverland had brought one home to them, it was all worth the moment he saw her talk to and take care of any of them. she wasn’t tink. she would never be tink. but she was wendy darling and his little bird, and tink would never be who wendy was to him either.

    “ Because i wanted to. “ it was still the same old answer. he’d wanted to leave barrie for as long as he remembered, had told stories about neverland to everyone who would and would not listen and ended all of them with a smile, so cocky and proud, and the announcement that he would go there one day. he’d left not to leave but to follow his dream. “ but i – i didn’t know, “ he mumbled. that his leaving would have the impact it did, that it would have consequences for hertoo, that it would mean anything to her after the decision she had made.

    “ Such a boy? “ he repeated then, frowning at just how spiteful it sounded. “ i want to be a boy, wendy !! i am one, i always have been one !! what is there not to get? “ and was it worth finding out if it meant he had to grow up for it? had to give up everything he was for it? definitely not. “ you could’ve come with me !! we stood right here – “ in reversed roles perhaps, when he was the one backing up to her window and she stood in the middle of her room surrounded by everthing that was her family, “ – when you told me you wouldn’t come. what did you want me to do? stay?! “ the way his voice changed at the last word showed just how surreal the idea was to him. in his memory, he could still feel the weight of the realisation sink into his bones and the moment he knew his heart had always been prepared for many things, but not for her to change her mind in the last minute, to choose against him, to let him go. he couldn’t have stayed, he didn’t want to either. “ why couldn’t you just come with me?! “

    The question was one he’d never quite gotten an answer to, or rather he did and he had not wanted to hear it, had not been able to understand it. he still wasn’t. he stared at her with confusion written in his eyes, because he did not understand how she could’ve wanted to be with him, talk to him, think of him, if she’d decided not to first. “ what changed? “ from the moment she’d agreed to coming with him to her telling him she wouldn’t, from the moment he came back and she’d been excited to them standing in front of each other right now — what had changed between them?

[lostxstboy]

    The hood of his beloved mid-summer leave green hoodie was pulled deep into peter’s eyes in the childish attempt to remain unnoticed by the rest of the world and hide away from the problems he did not want to have, like a bright splash of colour running across barrie’s rooftops could hide from anything. the hangman’s tree and the now seemingly abandoned treehouse the lost boys had once upon a time created, had supposed to be peter’s safe place, the one place no one expected him to go to — because he wasn’t the same lost boy anymore he once was, he was a terrible leader and a terrible friend to them — but even the place he once swore he could spend the rest of his life in, was now filled with the memories of nibscrying, fearing him and peter hurting him in return.

    Peter, however he had managed to become that boy, was making everything progressively worse, and for perhaps the first time in his time he felt utterly lonely — he had felt alone before, six months on your own could do that to you, but he’d never felt without his lost boys — and the one person who had seen his broken heart, peter could not tell that ‘ a kiss ‘as powerful and meaningful it was, wasn’t almighty, and it did not help his situation. instead, it seemed to confuse him even more and there was no one, literally no one, he could talk to about it.

    And yet, or perhaps because it felt as though there was nothing left to lose, peter had found himself in front of wendy darling’s bedroom window. a faint smile flashing over his lips – directed at no one, meant for no one to see, a genuine smile for the first time in weeks – as his fingers pressed lightly against the window frame and it backed away under his touch to swing open. maybe she still kept it open for him, maybe she simply forgot — peter did not know the truth, but he knew what he wanted to believe in.

   He had been waiting since then, sitting on the ground right underneath the window with his back leaned against the wall, his fingers running through her fluffy carpet which had caught him once before the night of their first meeting — the night he, quite literally, fell for her right through her unlocked window. compared to that night, compared to that peter pan, the one now looked drained, he knew he did and while his features would twitch into a frown or his eyes began blinking rapidly sometimes nothing quite managed to rid his face of such patheticexpression. not even wendy when she entered.

    Unlike nibs, who had confronted him right away, wendy gave him space — or perhaps, she needed space herself for she had never seen the leader of the lost boys as upset before. it must’ve looked as unfamiliar as peter felt with the emotions written on his face. silently, sitting on her bed a few metres away from him, peter could feel her worried eyes on him and instinctively, he started moving, averting his face and pushing himself up so it would for the moment at least be more difficult to follow him — but the emotions weren’t going to change, were they? because when he looked now, he saw the girl who let him go, who did not realise how much she meant to him and was thinking about how some idiot didn’t like her enough instead. she was still his little bird, just not as much his anymore.

    “ Everyone’s all grown up now, aren’t they? “ he muttered in a sigh, lifting his hand to run it through his red hair and thus finally pushing the hood out of his face, “ i think– “ that nibs was right, that he needed help. “ i think i need to talk about… “ the boys and neverland and everything. “ …some stuff. will you – will you listen? “ he dropped to his knees in front of her, sitting down on his legs and he did not need to see her frantic nodding to know her answer would be a yes. of course, she would listen to him. she was wendy darling. peter buried his face in his hands, rubbing over it as though he hoped it would help him sort his thoughts and naturally, he leaned forward just a little, actually searching physical contact for once as he rested his aching head against her leg.

    He could start with his argument with nibs, perhaps, or with the fact that things with john weren’t as fine as he wanted them to be, that the twins were drawing away from him, that he had no idea how slightly was doing although peter had always known, that cubby could be dead for all he knew, and tootles was the only lost boy who still trusted him — that everything was slipping out of his hands because neverland didn’t exist. instead, however, only one thing accompanied his mind.

[pexerpan]

wendy darling.

{ @darlingxwendy }

            It was a bizarre contradiction to have a hopeful heart too stubborn to not believe in the possibility of a dream becoming reality, and the mindset of those whose dreams had been crushed by the real reality — the one that adults always said you could not wish away. admittedly, peter pan did not want to have the latter and while, as his reputation suggested, he had done a sheer marvellous job in only listening to his heart, the leader of the lost boys was experiencing a new level of loudness in his head he couldn't just ignore — because wendy's window wasn't open and he could still feel the weight of it on the palm of his hand which just didn't make any sense.

           Peter had always taken pride in his ability to forget – or rather, he hadn't because he was that good he didn't even remember he had forgotten anyone after they disappeared out of his life – but when he had finally come to a halt, when he finally thought the distance between him and the closed window was enough, when he finally stopped running from her decision and was sure he had left it behind, it was still right there. she was still right there, dancing in circles through his mind, looking at him through his own eyes and he couldn't get rid of her — and where his heart had come up with a solution last time, where there had been hope that he could leave to find neverland and come back with the news that he did, that he could take her there now without uncertainties, without her having to wonder where she'd end up and whether they'd ever come to find it, there was his mind reminding him there was no neverland. there was no hope.

            Now, maybe it was the child in him — the one that didn't listen, who held promises so close to his heart that it was a felony to break them, the one that never did what he was told because what fun was following the rules? maybe it was the person peter pan was known to be that had him come back to her again because he still believed that you could have anything in life if only you were willing to sacrifice everything for it too. or maybe it was the person peter had grown into being over the past year – the grown up version, the boy who had learned that there were things that once you had lost them you’d never get the back – that had him come to the darling's door, because he wanted to say good bye. either way, he stood there, feeling nothing but out of place as he pressed his thumb onto the doorbell, hoping with all of his heart that her brothers had either left the house or would be too busy ( not to name it lazy ) to open the door.

           " Can i... come in for a minute? i just want to... talk. i won't stay for long. "