things on my mind [you won't leave feeling happier. if you don't want that, don't click.]
it's tuition time again and i don't have money and i've use up all the osap funding i have for this year and everything is balls.
i make 8 times more money per hour teaching art to little kids than working at my architecture job. just let that process for a minute. what am i doing with my life.
i've recently realized that i really like talking to people. i mean i suspected something back in the summer when i was meeting roughly a hundred new people per day while working for public outreach, but really. i like meeting strangers.
my friend in china who i've not seen for the past 12 years gave me a letter before i left asking that we meet in the old courtyard that we'd always play in on the exact hour when she turns 20 years old. it was the last time i ever heard from her. her birthday was this march. i didn't make it back to china.
i miss everyone. in particular, regina. i'm worried about you. where did you go?
to the people i owe letters to: i've only written one so far, and it's for sarah. i'm still working on the others. it's a bit late, and i'm not sure if i should mail them out anymore. i feel guilty.
when you're too busy avoiding the things you don't want to face, you're left with missed time with the thing you never knew you loved.
i don't know what i want anymore. i thought i wanted a working relationship and children and a family and everything but the though of being with you forever is too intimidating for me to handle.
i thought things would be simpler if i just say what's on my mind. of course everyone gets hurt when we play games and keep appearances while scheming in the dark. but recently i realized why people don't say what they mean and why they don't do what they want. the only way to survive is to be thick-skinned and and lie through your teeth, because that's the only way you'll get what you want. no one wants to hear the truth if it doesn't make them happy.
money hadn't been an issue until this year. the older you get, the more obvious class differences become. i thought i didn't care, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
sometimes i'm angry at myself because the things that shouldn't bother me, do.
i'm happy right now. i really am. but even still.
