So today was a usual day, woke up, went to work, & then went to church. Like a usual Wednesday.
After church, we were talking about a youth leaving the church & one of the high schoolers said it was cause I was creepy. Then a youth & a former youth chimed in about how I'm creepy. That was almost 2 hours ago.
For some reason its still bothering me. To the point that I just wanna get drunk & honestly it made me tear up. I guess, why though is cause I thought they liked me. Well some of them any way. Like I would rather have had them tell me that they didn't like me then be a lil two faced about it.
I mean I get a long well with the middle schoolers, largely cause I'm still a kid at heart. So I know I don't really have to worry about them. However, I just wanted to cut a promo on the people in question & "turn heel". Basically being a dick to them. I mean for real, I had to control myself from going off at the mouth.
When we were getting ready to leave, my mentor (& the youth pastor) pulled me aside to talk. He kind of deduced that it hurts because I care & cause I care, I'm vulnerable. I mean tomorrow is another day & all that. However it still bothers me. I mean, he's right. I care about the youth & would help them if they needed it. I mean, I got a servants heart & I like to help people.
I don't know, I just know that I used to be really cold & sometimes I wish I was still like that. I mean, I honestly want to just blow off the ones who think I'm creepy & if they try to talk to me. Drop a pipe bomb on them. However I know I can't. I know the middle schoolers look up to me & how would that look to them.
I like my church, shoot I LOVE my church. However, if I'm not wanted by the youth (cause I spend a lot of time there). Then why stick around? I mean if I'm really causing people to leave, then shouldn't I leave instead? I don't know. It just sucks is all. If you read all of this, sorry to bore you with my problems.