by Edward Howell

if i look back, i am lost
Not today Justin
we're not kids anymore.
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@ellieg18
by Edward Howell
All of the special children have a very specific Wet Cat aura that I adore
Hey, Dad? You know, the demon, he said he had plans for me, and children like me. Do you have any idea what he meant by that?
Henry Cavill as Charles Brandon | The Tudors
Morning light
[ loustat x giovanni's room ]
Edmund Dulac - The Snow Queen (1911)
James Baldwin, introduction to Nobody Knows My Name ~|~ Interview With the Vampire, Season Two, episodes 1, 2, & 5
Sometimes I need to take a moment to consider the Loumand fight. Armand was able to brush off 'you were sexually abused as a child and that's why you're a bitch bottom now' but the grade school insult 'you're boring' (said by someone off his head on coke) is what sends him into a week long torture spiral? No one does it like him. ❤️
Thinking about the Loumand fight again, and I think one of the reasons the 'boring' was such a trigger for Armand here was his Lestat Damage.
Boredom = abandonment to Armand, and abandonment is the one trauma he hasn't managed to fetishize.
the creation of louis de pointe du lac 🩸
"Listen as though I'm the voice of God or an angel talking to you. Telling you this room doesn't matter, this night doesn't matter. You're not inconsequential or a junkie. You're a bright young reporter with a point of view. There are stories that need to be told. If things ever get bad again, these are the words you'll hear in your mind like a tape playing over and over, like a song stuck in your brain. These words will hold you up and carry you. "They are your lifeline." That's a free-baser I befriended for a few days at the drսg den. He told me to get my shit together and then he Richard Pryor'd in front of me. Everyone scrambled but I stuck around, watched him burn. What's always confused me was that... You know, he said those words to me, and he was already all burnt up. Figured I'd conflated the two events. But I didn't. Because it was you. I destroyed two marriages. I fuckеd up two daughters. But I stayed a journalist. I... I was never so lost I couldn't hold down a job.
Louis De Pointe Du Lac and Daniel Molloy in IWTV season 2 (2024)
"Aren't I enough?"
INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (2022) 1.03 - Is My Very Nature That of a Devil
We need to appreciate Jacob Anderson for a second.
Look at how much he conveys here.
THAT is the face of a man who has sacrificed nearly everything: his dignity (he surrendered when he agreed to be a dirty secret after entering an interracial queer relationship that forces him into the (public) role of driver/valet/butler/"the help" every date night which is not only the greatest offense to any human being regarded as inferior by the society they live in but incredibly insulting for someone as prideful as Louis who has spent his entire adult life trying to rise to a position of higher social standing and superior power than a servitude role already expected of him, who in chosen neglect of his pride, agrees to play butler without any vocalized resentment or complaint despite how painful it is); his actual-though-metaphysical soul (he believes to be doomed/damned for eternity after embracing his sexuality AND accepting the Dark Gift); and his family (he inadvertently severed ties with one by one, evoking grief for every loss he had to experience from the close bond he shared with Grace, to the previously cordial standing he held with his mother, to the essence of his promise and vow to Paul when he found himself unable to shake the feeling he was betraying him in the worst way possible during the years he believed Lestat to be responsible for his death: which translates to him choosing a man over his religious brother's wants and honor and choosing his brother's murderer over his memory/claim to justice) – only to realize the partner he's been making all these allowances for has been fucking other people, and that his favorite side piece is the exact opposite of him not only in temperament but in the sense of being both a woman instead of a gay man and a white woman instead of a black man and someone Lestat can attend high class places with and enjoy on dates in a properly romantic fashion without the terrible additions of false identities and paranoia because it doesn't matter who sees them together. Lestat and Antoinette have the freedom to not just fuck in the dark but hold hands, kiss each other, act tender, and express and proclaim their love in public.
---
Jacob's expressions tell that whole story.
The layers and layers of betrayal Louis feels when he realizes he's not only with someone unfaithful that has repeatedly cheated on him—unapologetically—but who's infidelity has been revealed to him after he gave up everything FOR him because he at-first-with-hesitation but later wholeheartedly believed him when he told him he loved him, he understood him, and he was everything to him.
Something Louis takes care in emphasizing is feeling seen for the first time when Lestat offered him the gift. It's something he speaks on with reverence and clearly regards as a sacred and formative moment of realization a hundred years after it happens when he tells Daniel about turning and explains how Lestat's victorious psychological seduction was the thing to change the entire trajectory of his life with 'feeling seen by him' being the reason he agreed to end one life and start another, with Lestat - as a whole new entity.
He stresses the importance of him believing Lestat then, holding onto his every word at the church.
Staying in Louis' mind, when Lestat barely expresses gratitude or even much in the way of acknowledgment regarding Louis' many sacrifices it shows Louis that Lestat doesn't actually grasp the scale and magnitude of those sacrifices due to him lacking the same context as Louis. It's a reminder that Lestat could never fully understand Louis the way he hoped for for reasons neither of them can control such as Lestat being very personally removed from anti-blackness in America and the effects of Jim Crow society on any visceral or direct level while the effects of living in a Jim Crow society is internalized by Louis and on that basis, an extension of him, with it shaping his life from the moment he was born. That difference alone reflects an always-present and acutely felt, dramatic experience gap between them in the sense of identity and social understanding. Then, as well as being a French man who is both removed and exempt from anti-black racism in America, Lestat is mostly uninterested in humans altogether and feels not only disconnected from human life but above it after spending over a century undead. All of which informs his inability to understand and accept how the central aspects of Louis' human life are more than mild obstacles that simply get in the way of their love and actually represent the core facets of who he is and what's made him who he is. By the time Louis observes this lack of perspective on Lestat's end, he no longer feels seen and understood by him and he doesn't even feel respected by him as an individual, since there's no way to respect actions you can't see.
And that feeling of not being considered is compounded when he misinterprets Lestat's laughter after he asks him if "he's enough." Since Louis truly doesn't feel like he's enough for Lestat when he sees him with Antoinette: his exact opposite in every way.
All this really pulls on him feeling insecure and inadequate on top of misunderstood and disrespected. And it solidifies his belief that it was a mistake to even consider showing vulnerability to someone he already didn't want to show profound vulnerability to seeing as he associates them with power he doesn't have (but he himself desires). Still, he bared his soul to that person regardless and did so purely out of love for him and trust in him—only for that level of trust to prove a mistake (in his mind) immediately after. Upon initially pursuing him, Lestat acted like he celebrated and not just tolerated Colored-Folks-Not-Allowed-Here-And-Homosexuals-Are-Hell-Belonging-Sinners Black gay Catholic Louis. But then he just as quickly - while unintentionally - makes him feel small and unseen and unappreciated when he misses his many sacrifices and laughs at his insecurities, and it's like the wool has been pulled from his eyes at that specific moment Lestat runs towards him laughing and you can actively see it being pulled with every little micro movement of Jacob's: where he externalizes Louis' inner conflict, societal conflict, and interpersonal conflict all at once. And my only question is, where's his fucking Emmy?
Armand recreating Amadeo in the penthouse
Louis dressing Lestat:
Armand dressing Lestat:
Lestat dressing himself:
ASSAD ZAMAN as Armand INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE — 2.06, "Like the Light by Which God Made the World Before He Made Light"