Aug 19, 2022
Could tell my brain was in a weird place when I got home from work today so I decided to head back out to run an errand/wander around listening to music for a bit and see if I could get out of my head and it arguably worked for the two or three hours I was out, until I got home and literally, immediately burst into tears.
#i just. i don't know what to do with this#i know i'm not great at coping mechanisms but also. the ones i have should hold up longer than two seconds when i give them a go#and i don't have that many things left to look forward to when i tell myself i just need to push through it#one more con with friends before school starts (which will be fun but i will probably also be such a downer and feel bad about it)#and like one or two tv shows i want to hang in there for episodes of#but that's..... pretty much it#and with school starting the stressors are just going to start piling on and it hardly feels worth it to push through anymore#because my chances of doing something fun & weird with my degree or trying to go to grad school or etc feel completely shot now#since i'm going to have to totally rearrange my future around [gestures]#so like. what's even the point in putting myself through more of something i struggle with anymore#it feels like the chances of actually getting anything i want (a job i like; a house; getting to travel; getting to do... anything) in life#are just. gone#and i was willing to put myself through a lot of miserable school/work/etc when i thought it would at least earn me good things but#what good things#i don't know. sorry for being a downer. i hate being this pessimistic#but also i keep bursting into tears over feeling like nothing i try to push through or do with myself is worth it anymore#and i am. very done
