It's 2am and I just finished writing a full length parody of "Gay or European" from Legally Blonde but about fandoms and queerbaiting.
Basically, it starts as these two fans of *insert any show with queerbait here* bitching about whether *insert probably queer character from said show here* is gay or not. They are conveniently named One and Two (the bitching fans). Then someone called Three shows up and is all like, um queerbait maybe??? And then the three of them bitch about how gay *characters* are.
"Look at the way he holds his arm,
Doesn't it raise any alarms,
That there might be some gay nuance,
To all this heterosexual shit."
And there's an entire section at the part where the idea would've been first introduced that Nicos could "just" be European, between the lines "European" and that long exaggerated "ooooooooooooooh" in which Three explains a (not very) brief history of queerbaiting, and then goes right back into the song like it's nothing.
"Two [spoken]: What's queerbaiting?
[Record scratch, music cuts out]
Three [spoken]: Queerbaiting originally stemmed from the methods of screenwriters, producers and directors from 1950s American film-making, of creating subtext within a film to hint at or allude to a queer romance, but never seeing it through due to legal restrictions at the time.
These hints were often subtle and only recognisable if you were looking for them, or queer yourself.".....
Then it gets SUPER wild and Three is all like, imma take on the creators of Sherlock, Merlin, Teen Wolf and Supernatural and I'm gonna heckin win!
Then Three kinda does win but not really bc the creators are tryna take it all back and shit (Carlos is my....best... friend)
And then the shows' FUCKING CHARACTERS show up and they're like, "I'm sick of your shit! I'm always getting blue balls cuz of u fuckers!"
And then they're all like "we're gay!" And the creators are like "No"
And then the creators are like "Yeah, ok"
And then the characters just kinda, sneak away to do gay things and the army of fandoms which have accumulated during the course of the song just all do the big "hooray!!!" at the end. Along with One, Two and Three.
And then there's this line bc, extra:
And did we even mention lesbians?