I’m sitting here trying to decide my plans for the weekend and I feel like it’s pretty much emblematic of my struggles rn.
I can go home and see my dad, who just had a heart attack and didn’t bother to tell me until like a week afterward. (He insists he’s fine.) It’d be a good sixteen hours on the road both ways, plus gas money and food, so I could spend a little over a day in Evansville. But I would get to see my dad, my friends, and hopefully spend some time with my nephew who is turning 1 next month and I’ve only seen him once.
I can go camping with my partner and my in-laws. I hate camping but I love them and want to spend time with them.
I can stay home and work on shit for the convention. It’ll be my last weekend off before I have to go to Portland and I don’t feel like I have nearly enough new stuff to sell.
No matter what I do, I feel like I’ve let somebody down. This is why I am just a constant ball of second-guesses and anxiety.
If I could just quit my dumb job I think things would be better. But so far I’ve not gotten many nibbles, and then every moment I spend on applying to places is time I don’t spend on other things.
They’re hiring bus drivers at the local middle school for like $19 an hour. 20 hours a week. Nothing tells me that I would enjoy that job but at least I’d have more time for... well... everything.
