Ya'll, it took only like 10 minutes in therapy for the therapist to tell me that I lack self-confidence. Like ye, you right, but like, hearing that was a big thing. Cause that's like...that's like actually the core root of like...99.9% of my problems really.
I mean, she also said that I've been through a lot in my life, more than most have, more than anyone should and that it is OK to not have normal responses cause compounding trauma for a lifetime since childhood usually leads to the brain not developing those connections early on. I hadn't honestly even considered that my mental state is possibly from a lack of development. I just figured maybe I wasn't trying hard enough even though I try really hard to like...cope, be "normal, function.
She also said that it's amazing that I don't feel anger. Which I so rarely do. I actually can't cope with being angry the few times I have been. Usually, when people hurt me, I get sad not angry. Oh, she also said I'm humble, gentle, and special. That felt good.
But about that self confidence thing...how does one even start to develop that this late in the game? I mean...I lost mine extremely early in life. I was a cocky little shit as a kid until the trauma started so I haven't really had that since I was like...8 years old? 7? Like...how?? Does?? Because, really, that is the root, isn't it? Internally, I struggle. Like...I dance but mentally I say "I'm not a dancer," my dance tribe say that I'm their good friend but in my head I'm like "oh man I wish I was friends...," I do art, but I don't share it anymore and even have stopped a lot due to feeling inadequate?, I write but I keep it locked in private afraid of even one criticism, and I don't reach out to loved ones because I feel that they're better off if I don't? Oh, and, every job I've held, I always feel overwhelmed because I feel I'll never be able to do it.
