Hi, I am 4th generation & one quarter japanese american. I'm wondering if it's okay for me to send out sort of an ask here to see if any other folks who are JA, especially people who are usually taken as white, and/or socialized as a girl, would be interested in being email buddies for a short back and forth about experiences? If that's not appropriate for this blog, thanks anyway, I'm really grateful to those creating this media and space.
A weird dream, thoughts on Santa Rosa, anger, I think I still identify as a punk because and only because self-questioning, societal critique, direct action and anger are critical parts of punk for me and I want a vest with googly eyes where all the studs should be
Listening to the Fugees, drinking coffee, I've been sick for four days and I still have lots of gooey stuff exuding from my face. I woke up from a funny dream where I was bitterly and aggressively flipping out at 20 of Marissa (Marten's sister)'s friends who had started making out all over the bedroom I live in. I angrily affirmed that they should all stay the night and feel welcome, but that all of them needed to participate in a consent workshop, which I began planning immediately on a napkin. Camille and Cameron (from Olympia) were visiting Santa Rosa and came for this LARP-style cage fight the next day, and the dream ended with Cameron holding a bow and arrow in one hand, and some electronic device in the other. The electronic device was making a sort of synthesizer swelling sound that increased in playback speed and sounded like it would be great for trance music. I woke up and realized the refrigerator next to the bed was making the trance-synth sound in waking life. I stayed in bed puzzled for two hours. The dream felt really embarrassing, primarily I think because I was angrily demanding people participate in a consent workshop and I felt perceived by the dream people as having a very over the top and unreasonable show of emotions. And that no one was going to care about anything I had to say. That my boundaries were unseen, and then when I pointed them out, people thought I was most talented at making mountains out of molehills. To the credit of Marissa and all of her friends, I don't think I've ever felt uncomfortable around her, Shaunte, or anyone else. FYI. Dreams are funny.
What I mostly thought about while waking up was fight or flight; how important my friends and loved ones are to me right now (and always); how often, for the purpose of grace and saving face and not making waves, do I censor myself or think very carefully about how to respond. How totally afraid I am of continuing to be perceived as this bitter angry queer person who makes a big deal out of "normal" stuff... but at the same time, I am proud of myself for continuing to dig deeply into my emotional responses to things and my ability to be angry in a social climate of smothering passivity. Balance is hard, interacting with people is hard.
I think when people in Sonoma County talk about how "perfect" it is here, or how it's the "most beautiful place in the world" (both statements are on the radio all day all the time) I think they do not actually mean beautiful or interesting. I think they mean mild. Same as the weather, the political climate is mild. Few extremes, except the unseen, that this mildness is smothering. To be opinionated and to express discontent seems to add the adjective "mean-spirited" to anything I do, to critique is seen as my choice to be a bummer dude.
My conclusion is that I need to hang out with people I haven't seen in a while and re-enter a space of gracefulness and self-knowlege where I can meet new people without questioning myself or feeling defensive. People change, people grow, and there are lots of friends I haven't seen in a while who live here . Concepts of places and social situations are never simple. My options the last few days have felt like I need to own my aggressiveness and not worry about others' perceptions (difficult for me), or leave Santa Rosa and try to move to a safer feeling town (infinite illusion and misguided hope that anywhere is always safe or easy to live). My options have felt like fight or flight, and I think the solutions I seek are neither. The best thing sometimes is to slow down, try to give oneself time to write letters to friends, dream it out, and especially when I can't take time to reflect, insist to myself that I am valuable and that feeling alone does not mean that I am wrong.
I think it's annoying that the Bohemian did a big piece on how Jake Ward is "building a scene" for women to express themselves. Jake Ward dominates the show booking scene in Santa Rosa and has, so many times, talked over women and genderqueer people. We don't need or want Jake Ward to build a scene for "us", we should have a scene where women and genderqueer people are respected, granted resources and musician/booker training, and allowed to claim leadership positions in organizations such as the Arlene Francis Center.
Also it's weird that the sensationalism of Pussy Riot's story matters enough to book a show around, when issues experienced by women and genderqueer people HERE in Santa Rosa are not given consideration.
