Ive never felt like I belonged anywhere. Even with those who care in their own way, I still feel a disconnect.
I do enjoy some alone time, but it's not in balance. Im so unhappy and have always, always struggled to find a niche for myself, participating enough in society while maintaining my distance enough to be content. I have a lot of ambitions but few resources, despite my efforts.
Im fine working a job I dont love, but its extremely hard to find anything even tolerable. Theres little interest in me anyway, but most job descriptions make me feel alien and churn my stomach with buzzing anxiety. I dont think anyone has ever understood how constantly fucking uneasy Ive been since about the age of 9, for everything. Im smart and aware, but that doesnt mean Im made for this world. I hated school, I hated the agendas of my parents, the self centered neglect of "friends". I hate the inhuman way the world operates and makes me feel like I dont deserve anything, even though I know thats bullshit. I need unconditional compassion and gentleness now more than ever.
I guess the only thing keeping me from ending my own life is that vibrant awareness deep inside of the potential of things, and me, and fear, of course. I love a lot,but itsnot enough. I dont feel loved and nurtured, and there's always been a sense of lacking as far as emotional security, in all my relationships of any kind. Sure there have been good times, but there's always something wrong. The nagging OCD, anxiety, depression, the feeling of being constantly let down, the feeling of being more invested than anyone else, of knowing my qorth yet feeling insecure and sick inside. And the constant physical manifestations of all this bullshit, the aching and general feeling of discomfort. The strange sensations of trpuble breathing, of weitd muscle spasms, headaches, feeling gross, feeling uncomfortable in any sleeping or sitting position, NEVER feeling rested, amways exhausted inside. Life has been a huge disappointment in general. This shit is draining.
