#widow life

[walruswidow]

Fifth year Thanksgiving. I didn’t have to get drunk. I didn’t cry. I feel like that is winning.

[austinfabian]

[bunningstone]

Alisaie just told me to posthumously dump my boyfriend for being a loser.

[cheekysu]

Me: "I've used live theatre as therapy since my husband died. If this shutdown lasts as long as everyone thinks it will, I'm gonna have to get a real therapist and I'm not okay with that."

My boss, a real therapist: "Oh, yeah, that's... Um... Bad, I guess?"

[shakespearelove]

If you were wondering if I still liked Bouquet Tosses at weddings, your answer is a resounding NO.

In fact. I’m pretty fucking miserable at weddings, too. I keep telling myself I’m gonna stay away from wedding receptions.

I hate myself.

I just want my Dan back. I want my fucking life back. This isn’t fair, and I fucking hate it.

[cheekysu]

Watching from the Other Side

My late husband was a fairly even keeled gent and only got angsty at times when I was sick or injured. So after a bike crash yesterday that left me bruised but otherwise fine, I’m having a bit of fun imagining him having an other side freakout and my grandpa having to talk him down. 

Grandpa: "Listen, I broke my arm playing softball when I was 60. She's a lot younger than that. This is just what we do." Chad: "... This is what you do? What went wrong in your genetic code??" Grandpa: "She's fine. Go get into an argument with Peter. He looks bored."

(And then one of my uncles saying, "If she keeps this up, the two of you will be together again soon," and Chad screaming, "THAT IS WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT.")

[shakespearelove]

Is this really my life? It’s not a nightmare?

I’ve had a pretty good day. Good doctor’s appointment with a happy doctor. A good networking luncheon. Did some good work, I’ll have all my steps in my the time I hit the hay. I’m not hungry. I’m well hydrated. I’m watching Avengers.

And then the thought that I’ll NEVER see my Dan again.

Never see him smile at me anew.

Never hear his voice tell me he loves me.

Never feel his arms around me, or his kiss.

Never get good medical news, and be happy, or bad, and regroup.

Never get in another argument.

Never be mad at him again.

Never be sorry I hurt him again.

Never be the Happiest Girl he always made me.

Never get married, or have the family we planned on.

And I just want to scream. And I can’t. I can barely breathe. And I can hardly believe it. It’s been eight months, and I have the rest of my life to live without my soulmate, and even when it’s good, I don’t love it. I like it. I accept it, barely. It’s tolerable.

I hope I don’t have decades left without him.

I just want my love back.

It’s not fair.

He deserved SO MUCH MORE.

[allamchick]

Just got this tattoo today. I love you and miss you Fred. <3