#widow's journal

[veuveperdue]

2021

I don’t know how many of my original readers still come here. But those who do may recall a day in March when everything changed.

Nick called. He had cancer.

Yesterday I came home from having blood work done at my doctor and my mom was puttering around the kitchen and said that two calls came in while I was gone. One was irrelevant.

The other:

“Image Care called and they want me to come in tomorrow to have an ultrasound of a spot on my right breast.”

Dear readers. There was suddenly a cold feeling in my stomach.

I drove her here. She put on her masks and went in. Silent. Scared.

And I am left here with you.

[veuveperdue]

Got my first vaccine. Have to wait here for 15 minutes. Listening to the yammering of fools bragging they never get flu shots and how their sister or son or so and so didn’t want the Covid vaccine because it contains the virus etc etc.

I now know about Jon’s diabetes. I know about Leann’s son who has autism. I know that Sue and Jon were just married and got the flu so bad her mom had to come over to cook for them. I know about the grandkid who is in third grade and how he can take a computer apart.

And I’m just standing in fucking line.

Americans are so free with personal information and misinformation it’s no wonder the country is a fucking disaster.

I’m so done with humans.

[veuveperdue]

What I wish I could say to you...

I turn 50 this month.

I originally had visions of a group of loved one somewhere at a beach rental or a lake.

Just a small group of really close friends and family. Which boils down to maybe 9 people.

Celebrating something. Even if my 50 years on this planet hasn’t been stellar.

I had hoped 2020 would have been a bountiful time. We would have moved. I’d have a new job or a new audience.

But no. We’re here.

COVID-19 is here.

So my step mom thought — what if they came to visit.

And we were all ok with it, with all the safeguards in place, until a Vice article yesterday ….

And after reading it. I knew we were being foolish. I told my mom it was their decision. It couldn’t be mine.

My mother decided it was too foolhardy to risk me losing 3 parents, and she’s right….

I also checked in with a friend who is a nurse in epidemiology & preventative diseases who said, she personally wouldn’t gather at all. Stay with your roommates/spouse/etc and that’s it.

So I’ve been crying for the better part of the day.

A lot of it is just self pity, I had better plans for 2020 and my birthday. Fuck. Who didn’t!?

And I needed a respite. Something to look forward to.

It’s envy too. Seeing my friends in Europe vacationing. Going to the beach... or even people here enjoying a break. Which we can’t do.

But really, beyond my self pity is the sorrow for the 170 thousand dead in this nation due to the virus and the gross ineptitude of the administration.

And the incandescent rage I feel for those who don’t social distance at all. Who go to bars and beaches with crowds. Who go out to eat. And those who refuse to wear masks.

I knew ages ago that if we didn’t get our shit together early on, by August we’d be in the same place or worse.

So to every fucking one of you who made light of it. Fuck you.

You’re dead to me.

Happy fucking birthday.

Love,

One Pissed Off Widow

[veuveperdue]

Dear Nick,

Some say the fourteenth anniversary is gold.

And with my birthday right after that— I got myself these two trinkets on your behalf.

The charm sums up the year as well as it being my most over used word.

Thank you sweetie.

[veuveperdue]

COVID 19, Masks and the USA

I just returned from the grocery store, where too many jerks are wearing their masks under their nose or around their chin.

I passed one woman and the man behind her both with masks under their nose.

As I am wont to do, I shake my head in dismay.

The man saw me and says as he passes me, “Don’t shake your head lady. I’ll fuck you up.”

That’s when I realize they’re not just idiots for wearing their masks wrong but they are doing it on purpose.

So. Not only are they endangering others — they’re being cunts about it.

[veuveperdue]

I still find this email I printed out. Its creases worn from being carried around for so long. Folded and unfolded to read.

It was just the beginning of our relationship but I was already so deeply in love.

[veuveperdue]

I could have done so much more.

How do I do more?

I am so, so tired.

[veuveperdue]