#willalwaysloveyou

[hollywo0d]

#WordPorn #AlwaysonPoint #2am #Thoughts #RealTalkHere #basedonvalues #HeartTruth #noexpectations #Freedom #GodsWork #GodsInCharge #ThankYouGod #notimeforjudgement #willalwaysloveyou #ThisIsNotAboutMe #willneverforget

[doseofdree]

time was on our side at first,

but we let it drift off on its own deciding for us that though we wanted, our time was not yet ready to combine as one.

I’ll miss you; let’s see if time ever gets back on our side.

more on

instagram.com/bydoseofdre

https://www.instagram.com/bydoseofdre/

[fiee06]

With beloved sons 🥰 #1sttimewatchingmovie #spidermannowayhome #withmylove #1&2sons #willalwaysloveyou #200222 (at 321 Clementi) https://www.instagram.com/p/CaNHGCDh1hYi2V7NBWqM4AH8d_zM25wmF_Hi2g0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[littlebit0ftruth]

Transcript of thoughts I’ll never get to tell you. I fucking miss you, Hayd. 

“Well it's this fucking day again and this is the fourth time around that it's been this day but doesn't get any fucking easier, Hayd. I got through the whole fucking day just pretending like nothing was happening and then as soon as I close my laptop, I was like “Yeah, he's really dead.. it's today”. I was gonna write you a letter but I didn't. It's fucking cold, so I'm just gonna say it. I don't know, I thought it would be poetic or some shit to address the letter from two months after – I don't know, cute little walk down memory lane I guess. I’m a bit drunk too, so sorry if it makes no sense.

Well, the first thing I wrote in that letter four years ago was that writing to you would be fucking useless because you wouldn’t read it because you're dead, and I believed that. I still kind of do but I also didn’t think I’d be here writing to you four years later, posting shit on tumblr all the time as if you’re going to read it. Fuck I know you don’t see it, but I don’t know. I guess it's nice to think that maybe you're still here in some kind of way, I don't know. In the letter, I was mad because I didn’t notice how much you were struggling and I was pissed and sad and frustrated and that's not really changed. I’m still really sorry. Still kinda like to play the ‘what if’ games sometimes – what if we’d sat in your car 10 minutes longer? What if I’d gotten one of the girls to make that coffee so I could have a conversation with you properly? Fuck. That was the last time I saw you.. I just realised that that was the last time I saw you.. I don't think I'll ever get over that and I know I’ll never get answers – no matter how badly I want them.

So, update on the stages of grief. Number one: denial. Did that four years ago, so crushed it. Number two: anger. Yeah, that still hangs around sometimes. You know, I'm pissed at you but also pissed at myself. Although I haven’t put my fist into any walls lately or smashed anything, so that's progress. I think we left off at number three, fucking bargaining, and that went on for years. You know, I would have given fucking anything for you to walk through the fucking door, for us to sit down and drink a bottle of Jack and for everything to be just fine. Still would. I don’t know, that’s fucking pointless though because.. I mean, all your grass has grown over now. You’ve really fucking settled in, mate. Got your fancy headstone and everything – fuck, your baby sister’s name is on it as someone left behind. You’re fucking there for good, aren’t you? Fuck. So I guess it doesn't matter how much I'd be willing to trade because it wouldn't make a fucking difference anyway.

Then we had depression: that hung around for a long time. I can't even count the amount of sessions I had with my therapist about you, how many times I sat on the floor and cried, how many times I got up and just stared at the wall begging myself to be better than to put my fist through it, how many times we had to up my antidepressants. I mean, I don’t want you to get a big head because that wasn’t all you, but fuck, you definitely had a role to play there. We found a good dose though, it’s working well – that’s something good. I wouldn’t say we are at bargaining or depression for you still, but then I don’t know if I am completely at acceptance either. I don’t know, grief is weird.  

Right before the first letter, right after, your Dad changed his profile picture on Facebook to you and that's when my obsession for checking your dad's Facebook page began. I checked it multiple times a day, legit – and I did that for probably two years and it was always just pictures of you. And then your sister was born and it was pictures of her but it may as well have been of you because she looks just like you. And every time your dad posted a picture of her, somebody comments on it about you – “She looks just like Hayden”, “Hayden would've been best big brother” “Hayden would have loved her so much”. I really wish you got to meet her. I checked his profile the other day for the first time in about five months and it was a picture of Elyse and your Dad said he wished you could have been there for her – and I fucking lost it, so obviously I'm not over it and whatever.

I said in the letter that I would bring you flowers and some Jack. Well, I don't know how many bunches of stupid fucking flowers I’ve brought to you, and somebody had already brought the bottle of Jack so that's cool. I don't know if you're more into the yellow or the white flowers, so I switch off – hope you don’t mind. I don't know, I guess I like knowing that when your family go and visit, there's fresh flowers there so it reminds them that you're still so loved and you’re still cared for and thought about - I don't know, but I have to do it every time. I always will. I was about to say “I don't know if you are listening” but you can't listen because you're dead.. I don't know, but anyway, moving on.. thanks for listening to my shit every time I come to visit. Remember that time that I came to your grave and I told you about that girl and was all “she’s so amazing, you’d love her” and then six months later and I told you it was a massive joke on me? I would have given fucking anything to hear you say, “screw her, I never liked her anyway”. I miss talking about girls with you. I miss talking about anything with you. I miss talking with you. I miss you. I don’t know when I'll come see you next - hopefully I have something more to update you on.

I don’t think I ever told you - there was this guy, Sims, at work and we got on so fucking well and it took me weeks to realise that I had such a soft spot for him because he was like, he could've been your brother. He really could've been your fucking brother. You are so similar and I guess it was so easy to work with him because he reminded me of you and it's almost like for a second that it was you and I got to fuck shit up at the Fat Fish with you – it was nice. But he's not you, because you’re dead, and he could never replace you. Do you know every time I see a fucking blue Commodore, I still look to see if it's you and I know that it's not. Like, I live fucking interstate now so even if you were still fucking alive, it wouldn’t be you – but I still look. I look for you everywhere.

I had big plans to go and sit by the beach with a bottle of Jack and just sit in my feelings but you know, we're in lockdown again so I'm sitting at this pond in the middle of these rich bitch’s houses with some cans of Jack so it's not quite the same but you know. I miss sitting at the beach with you.

I miss you a lot. I don't know what else to say. I really fucking hate this day, Hayd - but I really fucking love you. Always.”

[doyoubelieveinfairies-x]

I don't want to get back to what we had,

I just thought that we would grow together.

because you know,

we promised eachother for always and forever

[wanadynovember]

I gotta move on

So, here we are.

They came, they talked to me. And I don’t know what’s true or what is not anymore. Did we love each other? I know i did. I hope you did, and when I’m looking at all the pictures we took together, i just can’t believe you could have faked the emotions.

Anyway. We were not made for each other Maybe it was the wrong place, the wrong time. Maybe we would have end up together anyway. I don’t know, and i’ll never know.

All I know it’s that all of this belongs to the past and i cannot change that. I wish I could. I wish i would have died, instead of you. 

I hope you can believe me when i say that i am truly sorry. Our relationship was based on love, respect and friendship. In a way that i cannot explain, everything eventually collapsed. 

Actually i can try to explain it. You were going through some questioning concerning every aspect of you life and i was not as supportive as i should have been. You gave me strength and love. And i did not deserve it.

I heard the tv, musics and friends telling me that if you don’t fight with your lover, then you do not love each other. If i had to meet my young self, the only thing i would say to her would be that none of this is true. Because all of this is just toxic. 

So i began to put myself before yours. I began to turn into a narcissistic perverse, saying that you should treat me better, while i acted like a fucking asshole to you. 

And then, oh then... And then she came. Oh man, I lost it at this very time. Actually, there were other women, but this one...She got your attention. And as i was a toxic little bitch, i read your messages. 

Can’t remember what it says, but i felt devastated. I think i remember some jokes on me, and a bonding between you two. 

I was hurt, I was not feeling safe, i couldn’t stop thinking about her, about what you’d said to her.

But the last message you’ve sent her... “I miss her”... I should have stick to this one. I know it now, but I was so stupid, i didn’t think as i do now. 

Anyway so, i was just a crazy ass bitch at the moment, and you were lost. I am truly sorry that you did not feel safe with me.

i know i acted like all of this was just affecting me, i was not as empathetic that i thought i was.  I failed you.

Today, i try to be a better person. I try to be that one person that you can feel safe with. I wish i had been with you, but if your death taught me something, it was that ignorance kills. I did not know the signs of depression, i did not know what was oppressing, and everything else.

Either in your life and death, you educated me. 

So today, i can not bring you back to life. I can not change the past. But i changed. I don’t want to be responsible for suicide anymore. 

And today i have to move on. I can not live your life or live in the past. I know that. It’ll be difficult, but i already began to move on a while ago, when i met my current boyfriend. Please, do not think that i am forgetting you. I will never forget you. 

Moving on does not mean forgetting. It means copying with the fact that you can not change the past, and you have to carry on, no matter what. 

I will always be thinking about you, every day, in every place. But i will try to put some more energy at the service of the living. I will try to think less about harming myself. I will try to accept the situation, even if i could never forgive myself. 

It’s gonna be so hard. But, i cannot let my loved ones down. They need me to get better, they deserved to know that they help me getting better. I owe them this.

You made me a better person. Just wish you were here to see that. I will always love you. I would have loved you no matter what. You were my best friend. And even if we would have gone separated ways, i would have loved you. I still love you so much.

I am sorry for all of this. And I am sorry i did not learn how to play piano as i told you so. 

i will try to move on now. 

But i will never forget.

[leonapyt]

#happyfathersday #happyheavenlyfathersday #willalwaysloveyou #daddy #myhero #missyou #rip #ripdad #alwaysinmyheart https://www.instagram.com/p/CBsiuUqBnWID0iLI5gy6iIRv-sioFMDmkDMhyU0/?igshid=14jowcjbu4ie1

[mommylovestech]

It’s finally done!!! 😊 This has been an emotional weekend for me. Here’s a little back story on why... . . On Labor Day Weekend 2009, (10 years ago), I married the perfect guy for me. And on that night, during the celebration, my handsome husband (Sean) said the most amazing things... Including making a promise to build me the closet I had so been wanting since we bought our little 1929 Spanish home together. It was a 2 bed/1 bath at the time with a 1929 closet to match. (Teeny Tiny tiny) Every year after that night I never forgot to remind him about his promise. He always laughed it off and said not to worry he would make it happen one day soon. And even though he has been in heaven now for the last (almost)4 years, I still haven’t let him forget about it! 🤣 And now, (i didn’t really realize it till today) that It was this anniversary weekend, he’s made good on that promise! with a little help from my papa, he’s finally giving me the closet I’d always envisioned. So, with tears of joy, I say, “Thank you honeybuns and happy Anniversary!!!” And also thank you to my dad, John for helping to build it. #happyearlyanniversarytome #myveryowncloset #walkincloset ❤️❤️😇❤️❤️ #willalwaysthinkofyou #willalwaysloveyou #workingonadream #youcantdoitalone https://www.instagram.com/p/B15YZ6Wl9mB/?igshid=1w6928ln7yl02