#willowpost

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

I - have amnesia. I woke up one day in 2012 with no clue who I was or what I was doing. Nobody believed that I didn't know who I was. I had friends, a partner, and a family I didn't know. I was 12 years old and I didn't know what planet I was on. I don't know what happened, though I've tried to find out.

I am, functionally, somewhere between 12 and 15 now. Trying to have a normal life when you're finding out about who you used to be, who folks expect you to be - is very difficult. I molded myself around people because they seemed to have a good idea of who I was. I thought this was how everyone worked - that you just lose memories like that. Apparently not.

I'm still an adult - just with a lot less knowledge of the world around me and how humans human.

If you've had something similar, I'm so sorry. It's not something I've told many people but for those I trust it's...helped explain a lot of things to them. You're not stupid, you're not broken. You're not childish. You're doing the best you can with what you've been given, and you've gotten this far. It's an accomplishment. Every day youre learning more, growing more.

If you've got trouble remembering stuff, I highly recommend writing it down. Try to make sure you have a system and a routine. There are going to be mistakes, you may forget you even made one, and that's okay. Recovering from something like this in your own is hard as fuck - but you've got this. 🫂🫂🫂

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

I don't really know how to process losing the ability to go outside when I want to. Being unable to just - get up and cook without knowing it'll knock me on my ass for four to five hours.

I can't draw - just the act of typing this is setting my muscles on fire. It just...hurts to be. Resting doesn't even provide relief - it's just...a fast track to a day where I'm in even more pain.

I can't even walk down my stairs to just - see the stars. I can't feel my right one and getting up that stairs is...more effort than I can provide.

I don't want to feel hopeless. I'm not giving up. I'll adapt, and find a new way to live - but wow. There's just so much I miss.

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

Thinking tonight. Long and short of it is that healing, recovery - it's not a linear process. I wish everyone safety and health - and that life may be kinder to all of us.

When you fall apart, you owe it to yourself to care for your wellbeing and to continue forward the best you can . Slow down, find ways to make it easier, to lighten your load. Focus your strength in body, mind, companionship, love - but you have to choose to do. To make it easier - and to keep going.

It's not going to be perfect - and that's "okay". It's going to take time, and that's "okay". You may leave some pieces behind - that's "okay" too.

"Okay" in the sense that these things are normal. Life is change - we will make mistakes, make breakthroughs, lose friends and forge relationships that can withstand the horrors of this world.

It's all a path that's been walked by many before - and there's many on it with you now. It is not one to be walked recklessly, but ahead of these thorns there are moments of light. Days outside in the sun, the presence of a loved one, the smell of fresh bread.

When you fall apart, there may be no one to help. In these moments, you owe it to yourself to care for yourself - long enough to reach those moments of light. It may not be perfect, you may need to go your own pace, and you may change - but you can do this.

I beleive in you.

[search-queery-band]

Also if you wanna check out For Belle. It was made solo by me just using chiptune but I think I did okay on it. Obviously it was originally made for a special someone.

-Willow

[search-queery-band]

Check out Floating Up! It’s basically the only song we’ve made yet (don’t worry we have one on the way soonish) and it was made using the chiptune synth on garage band. Don’t worry we’ve moved onto more advanced chiptune based DAWs now.

-Willow

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

Me: Ah yes. I will sleep at school. This will increase productivity.

Also me: WOoW Look DID YOU KNOW that TARDIGRADES have little EYES and they can WAVE AT YOU time to spend 3 hours watching them ☺️💕

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

I’ve got a brow so deep you could hook your fingers under it and push me up against a wall.

A brow so deep you could drag me around my it,

A brow so deep you could swing me around like a snake

It’s not a brow like a cliff, it’s a brow like an undersea cave

[calicoquiltedtranshag]

THIS IS A PSA TO ANYONE THINKING OF FOLLOWING ME WHO’S OVER 30

ALRIGHT YOU, listen. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A SUGAR PARENT. I’M NOT. I don’t understand why there’s so many bloody people who dm me about it. It’s not sweet. It makes me uncomfortable. I hate the guilt tripping, and the attempts to be soft and sweet about it,

Listen older people scare the hell out of me. There’s too much bloody personal history there and goshdarnit the last thing I need is more people I’ve gotta filter through.

Just leave me alone.