wind and water five | tomorrow will be kinder by the secret sisters
pairing: joel miller x original female character
warnings: guns, burns, knives, talking about past trauma, mentions of pregnancy and babies, panic attack
Today I've cried a many tear
And pain is in my heart
Around me lies a somber scene
I don't know where to start
But I feel warmth on my skin
The stars have all aligned
The wind has blown but now I know
That tomorrow will be kinder
Gail welcomes Phoebe inside with a cup of tea and a seat in a worn leather chair. Her home smells like cinnamon and it’s warm. Gail sits across from her on a couch.
“Thank you for the tea.”
“You’re welcome.”
A silence falls over them except for a ticking clock. Phoebe glances at it.
“This is your hour.”
“Where do I start?”
“Wherever you want to. You don’t have to start from the beginning. You could start from the end or the middle.”
Phoebe closes her eyes and concentrates. Where did she want to start? When she murdered him with her bare hands? When he burnt her? The first time she ran? When she met him?
“I was looking for my brother, Parker.”
“Were the two of you close?”
“Extremely. Even before the outbreak.”
“What happened to him?”
“It happened almost eight years ago. We were a part of this settlement. It had done well. It sort of resembled Jackson. But someone forgot to close the gate. There was nothing one second and then infected was everywhere the next. It was the middle of the night and I was sleeping; he was on patrol. I couldn’t find him and I tore through the town. Killed as many as infected as I could. I couldn’t find him.”
“Do you blame yourself for not finding him?”
“No I…Parker wouldn’t have wanted that. I knew I had to keep going. I walked - for months. Stayed at random houses I found or with people kind enough to let me stay the night. I ended up finding another group. One that let me stay.”
“I saw you when you first came to Jackson. Did this group do that to you?”
“Only one of them did. He’s dead now.”
Gail is writing down things Phoebe can’t see. Notes? Comments?
“How did you meet this man?”
“He’s the one that introduced me to the group. He saved me from a falling piece of wood in this rickety house.”
“Hm.”
“He has a brother. Milo. Milo’s partner is Marla.”
“Did they ever hurt you?”
“Not directly.”
“What was your relationship with this man?”
“Romantic for the first year. After that? I don’t really…know. It became something bad. Terrible.”
“What was his name?”
“It was–”
The timer rings throughout the house. Phoebe flinches and Gail turns off the alarm. Phoebe sets the empty cup onto the coffee table and pulls her coat onto herself. She grabs her bag off the floor and throws it over her shoulder.
“I’d like to continue going over this with you if you’re open to it. It seems like you’ve been through a lot and have had no one to speak to.” Gail says behind Phoebe. Phoebe twists the door knob.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m going on patrol with Joel tomorrow and working for the next four days after that in the clinic.”
“We’ll meet on your day off then.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
More snow has melted. The sidewalks are more visible now. Some roofs were clear of the white dust. Phoebe makes sure to avoid the puddles.
Phoebe pauses when she passes by Joel’s house. She wonders how Ellie is doing. She wonders what secrets the two of them are withholding are from her. She wonders what Joel was going to say before she cut him off and left yesterday. She doesn’t knock. She continues walking.
Phoebe lets the air around her engulf her. It knocks the wind out of her when a big gust of wind hits her. The sky is cloudy today.
The school doors open and kids of all ages run out with bags on their shoulders and books in their arms. She smiles slightly at the reminder that Jackson is bringing back something she thought was lost. A child’s innocence or whatever is the next closest thing.
She narrowly avoids Dina and some boy. Dina throws back a ‘sorry’ and they’re off to the dining hall. Phoebe catches herself laughing at the awkward duo.
Phoebe stomps her feet on the sidewalk. Her boots become mostly snow free and she’s knocking on Maria and Tommy’s door. Tommy opens it with a grin on his face.
“Phoebe, hey. Wanna come inside?”
“Thanks,” Phoebe nods and steps inside. Warmth reaches her. Tommy helps her out of her coat and hangs it on a hook. “How is Maria doing?”
“I didn’t think Dr. Lee would send someone so recently after she visited.”
“She didn’t. I’m here as a friend. I actually have something for the two of you,” Phoebe explains herself as Tommy waves her on to follow him. They make it to the master bedroom. Maria is in bed with a bunch of paper sprawled on the bed.
“As you can see, Maria is clearly relaxing,” Tommy jokes and winks at his wife. Phoebe reads some of the papers and sees that they’re plans for adding onto Jackson.
“I’m sure Dr. Lee approved of this.” Phoebe raises an eyebrow. Maria scoffs and moves the paper over for Phoebe to sit.
“I already agreed to bed rest. I can’t sit around and do nothing.”
The two women hug each other tightly. While Phoebe has grown closer to Tommy than Maria, she still felt like Maria was a sister she never had.
“What brings you to this side of town?” Maria asks and reaches for her cup of water. Phoebe grabs it for her.
“I wanted to check in…and give you this,” Phoebe reaches into her bag and pulls out a yellow knitted baby blanket. Maria delicately takes it into her hands. She rubs the fabric with her thumbs. Phoebe glances from the blanket to Maria then to Tommy and then back to the blanket. “Is it okay?”
Maria’s glassy eyes meet hers. She hugs the blanket close to her chest with one hand and rubs Phoebe’s arm with the other.
“It’s perfect, Phoebe. Thank you.”
“Good. That’s good.”
“Besides the rattle Joel made and the not-so-kid friendly mix Ellie made, that’s our only other baby gift we’ve gotten. Granted, we weren’t expecting anything from anyone but this is great,” Tommy pats Phoebe’s shoulder. She looks at him, head tilted.
“The mix doesn’t surprise me but the rattle? What did he make it out of?”
“Wood. He does that sorta stuff,” Tommy shrugs. She almost says ‘that sounds like Joel’. But does it? Does she know him at all?
“I’m glad you’re doing okay. I hope the baby isn’t pressing on your bladder too much.” Phoebe gathers her bag and stands up.
“Only twenty-four seven.”
“How nice.”
“Very.”
“Okay, I’m going to head out. I am dying for some food right now. Do you want me to grab you guys anything?” Phoebe looks between the two of them. They both shake their heads.
“Our neighbors have made sure we’re well fed but thanks. See you around?” Maria answers and Phoebe grabs the door knob to leave the room.
“I’ll stop by in a few days to check in again. Rest well, Maria.”
Phoebe passes the living room on her way out. She sees a black board with some dates and the names Sarah and Kevin written on it. She can’t clearly see the dates before she has to catch back up to Tommy.
Tommy and Phoebe make it to the front door. Tommy rocks on his heels. Phoebe adjusts the bag on her shoulder. Tommy rubs the back of his neck.
“Joel-”
“I’m-”
They both stop talking. Both laugh.
“You first.” Phoebe crosses her arms.
“Joel feels real bad about how you two ended things yesterday. Says he didn’t want to hurt you. He’s always been a private guy, those are my words not his.” Tommy mirrors her actions. Kicks an invisible rock with his boot.
“He has nothing to apologize for. I overreacted. I’ll tell him tomorrow when we go on patrol.” Phoebe doesn’t believe a single word she says. Her stomach still twists when she thinks about the situation. Tommy squints his eyes.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
“Positive?”
“Tommy, yes. You’re a good brother. Now please let me leave before I die of starvation,” She nods to the door. He chuckles awkwardly and opens the door for her. “See you later.”
Tommy waves but Phoebe turns away from him quickly. She tries to not to look like she’s sprinting away from his house but she’s pretty sure she fails. She clenches her fists so tight she knows she’s leaving indentations from her nails. Her breathing becomes unsteady.
Phoebe was planning on going to the dining hall and meet Georgia and Liam. She walks right past the building and heads for her house.
Inside and alone, she slides down the wall. Holds her head in her hands. Tries to understand where this reaction is coming from. She feels dizzy and she squeezes her eyes shut.
Flashes of his face and fists startle her. Tears build behind her closed eyes. She doesn’t hear the knocking next to her. Her breathing becomes heaving. She places a hand on her heart and feels it beating rapidly. She can’t take it. She panics and begins moving restlessly.
“Fee? Hey, Fee!” Ellie’s familiar voice rings out and Phoebe opens her eyes. Ellie’s big eyes look over Phoebe frantically. “What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“No…I-I…give me a minute.”
Ellie sits next to her and rests her hand atop Phoebe's. Her other hand is still on her heart. She tries to take breaths with the rhythm of her heart as it slows down.
When the dizziness stops and her restlessness is gone, she wipes a tear that was forming in the corner of her eye. Ellie is watching her silently.
“Aren’t you…aren’t you supposed to be in bed getting better?” Phoebe questions and points to Ellie’s bandaged arm.
“Probably.” Phoebe looks Ellie in the eye. Ellie has a lopsided grin on her face.
“Not probably. More like most definitely.”
“What can ya do?” Ellie shrugs and rests her head against the wall.
“Um, go to bed.” Phoebe raises an eyebrow. Ellie throws a ‘pft’ her way.
“What’s going on with you? What was all of that?” Ellie nudges her shoulder.
“My thoughts caught up to me. Don’t worry about it, Els.”
“Right, I will totally not fuckin’ worry about the fact you looked like you were about to die. Sure.”
“Can you tell me why you’re here so I can kick you out quicker?” Phoebe gives Ellie a side eye and Ellie laughs. Her eyes crinkle and it tugs on Phoebe’s heart strings.
“Joel told me about your argument.”
“It wasn’t an argument.”
“I still feel like a jerk.”
“You have nothing to feel bad about. Seriously. It was a disagreement.”
“Cut the shit.”
Phoebe snaps her head towards Ellie in bewilderment. She’s never heard the girl have such a serious tone before.
“I don’t like liars.”
“Fine, it was a little bit more than a disagreement. Doesn’t mean you have to feel bad about it.”
“It’s my fault, though. If I had kept my big mouth shut-”
“You were on some serious pain meds, Ellie.”
“-you wouldn’t have fought.”
“How many-”
“So I want to explain.”
Phoebe tries to read Ellie’s face. Her eyebrows are scrunched together and her eyes are narrowed. Phoebe slowly nods.
Ellie carefully unravels her bandage. A bright, red, blistering burn stares Phoebe in the face. The young teenager doesn’t touch it but points to a few spots that Phoebe can barely make out due to the new injury.
“What are those?” Phoebe squints. Ellie takes a deep breath.
“Bite marks.”
“Bite marks?” Phoebe exclaims and repositions herself to get a better look at Ellie’s arm. She hesitates but lets Phoebe take a closer look.
“My friend Riley and I snuck out of the QZ one night. We stupidly went into an abandoned mall. Thought it was safe enough. Some infected came out of nowhere and bit both of us. I survived but she…” Ellie chokes up and doesn’t finish her sentence. Phoebe glances back up and Ellie’s eyes are glassy.
“Oh, honey.” Phoebe wraps her arms around Ellie and brings her in for a hug. Ellie hugs back tightly with her good arm. Phoebe feels wetness begin to pool on her shoulder.
“I don’t know why…I don’t know why it was me and not her,” Ellie sobs and nestles her face into Phoebe’s shoulder. She rubs her hand up and down Ellie’s back soothingly. Lets Ellie take all the time she needs.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s alright,” Phoebe reassures her. Ellie’s shaking comes to an end. She stays there, though, on Phoebe’s shoulder.
Neither one of them are sure how long they sit that way. What pulls them apart is Phoebe’s stomach rumbling. Ellie lets go and Phoebe wipes the drying tears from the girl’s cheeks.
“Want to go to the dining hall with me?” Ellie asks with her big doe like eyes. Phoebe agrees and helps Ellie put the bandage back on her arm.
The two of them walk without haste. Ellie tells Phoebe about how all of her friends have come to visit her. How Joel has been at her beck and call. Phoebe tells Ellie about Gail, kind of, and Ellie mentions that it’s an ongoing joke that her husband grows a bunch of weed.
Phoebe looks down at Ellie explaining a joke Jesse told her. She’s animated and puts on voices for each person. Uses her hands and curses a lot. Phoebe’s heart swells.
—
“I’m sorry again about being a no show at dinner,” Phoebe walks alongside Georgia. Today is Phoebe’s first patrol and Georgia wanted to say goodbye before she left.
“Don’t even worry about it. Just have a safe patrol, okay? And we can talk when you get back.” Georgia places both hands on Phoebe’s shoulders. Phoebe nods and Georgia wraps her in a hug.
“I’ll be back soon,” Phoebe tells her quietly. She doesn’t tell her how her nerves have gotten to her or how she feels like she might throw up. Georgia pulls away. She starts walking away but turns at the last second and waves. Phoebe waves back with a smile.
Phoebe enters the stables and finds Tommy and Joel already in there. The brothers turn when they hear her footsteps.
“Hey there girl. I was updating Joel about the route y’all are going to take. He can tell you about it when you head out. Thanks again for doing this, Phoebe. Really.” Tommy lightly pats Phoebe’s shoulder and soon enough he’s gone. She turns back to Joel who is already looking at her. Phoebe touches her burn.
“I’m guessing he wanted to get back to Maria?” Phoebe asks and pets the horse closest to her. Joel hands Phoebe a gun and a couple of knives.
“Uh, yeah. He thinks she’s having Braxton Hicks or something.”
The horse that Joel got set up for her is named Shimmer. Phoebe takes a moment to get to know her a little. Pets her and looks into her eyes.
“When’s the last time you rode a horse?” Joel asks. Phoebe shrugs.
“Not for a while. I think I can remember how to though.”
“Shoulda done some practice with Shimmer before today,” Joel scolds but it sounds like more towards himself than Phoebe.
“I’ll be fine,” She snaps and an emotion Phoebe might think is hurt flashes across Joel’s face. She feels her stomach twist. Phoebe hoists herself onto Shimmer. She calls the horse ‘sweet girl’. The two of them head towards the gates.
Phoebe has to adjust her position and Shimmer neighs a little, but in the end the two of them find a harmonious balance. Joel keeps glancing back any time there’s a noise.
The people on watch bid them a goodbye and shouts about not forgetting to log what they find in the book. Phoebe looks at Joel.
“We have a checkpoint where we write down any findings.”
“Right.”
That is the last time either of them spoke for two hours. Phoebe tries to take in her surroundings. Snow is continuing to melt and more of the lush greenery is showing. Most of the trip is uphill. The horses seem to know where to walk and how to avoid things like rocks.
Phoebe’s grip tightens on Shimmer’s reins when she hears a branch snap behind her. She whips her head around but sees nothing. Her body tenses.
“You know, this is probably the most common route we do in Jackson. Almost nothing ever happens,” Joel begins talking so Phoebe turns back. He’s farther ahead than her but she has a feeling he knows everything going on around him.
“Almost nothing?” Phoebe questions him.
“Well, Brett did find a “really awesome” looking buck once.”
“He sounds interesting.”
“He’s something for sure.”
Phoebe and Joel go through a clearing and come across a small creek. The water is rushing over rocks and causing a loud noise. Joel tells Phoebe they should stop and let the horses have a break.
As the horses drink water next to each other, Phoebe stands back so she can stretch. She raises her hands and her shirt lifts, showing her stomach. She takes a glimpse at Joel and finds his eyes on her stomach. He swallows.
Phoebe notices how his blue button up and green jacket suit him. How his jacket is a little tight around the arms. She puts her arms back down and Joel acts like a deer caught in headlights. His eyes widen and red covers his cheeks.
“Listen I, uh, wanted to talk about the other day,” He rubs the back of his neck before putting both hands on his hips.
“About how you’re sorry?” Phoebe takes a step closer to him.
“Well, yeah.”
“Don’t stress. Tommy and Ellie have both profusely apologized for you.”
“I want you to hear it from me. Ellie and I have been through a lot together and-”
“It’s okay. I’ve just realized I’m not a fan of secrets. You don’t owe me anything and I’m sorry.”
“You’re apologizin’ to me?” Joel strides towards her.
“Yes?”
“Phoebe, I was the one actin’ like a dick. I should be the one to apologize, not you.”
“I understand why you kept the bite mark a secret. It's a big deal. We haven’t known each other long.” He’s close enough that Phoebe can feel his breath on her face. Minty. She looks past him, not knowing what to do.
“It’s different with you, though. You-you bring out this-”
“What is that?” Phoebe interrupts him. Joel follows her eyes to the edge of the forest. “Is that a camp?”
“Get your gun out now.” Joel lowers his voice. Phoebe follows his directions. She holds her gun the way he’s holding his.
She can hear her heart pounding in her ears. Sweat starts to form on her forehead. Her breathing picks up.
She trails behind him silently. They avoid branches and rocks and anything crunchy. Each of them takes a tree to lean up against. Phoebe tries to listen for noise but can’t hear anything due to the creek and the sound of her heart beat.
Joel tries to mouth something to her but she can’t understand him. She gives him a look that she hopes conveys ‘huh’? He clenches his jaw. Holds up three fingers and steadily counts down.
When he reaches one they both round their respective trees and raise their guns. Some burnt wood from a fire is in the middle. Muddy footprints are all around them. But there are no tents or makeshift beds. No personal belongings or people.
Joel is the first to lower his gun. Phoebe follows and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Whoever was here looks to be long gone.”
“How many of them do you think there were?” Phoebe asks and does a full 360 as she looks at the ground.
“I’d reckon at least five, if not more.”
Her mind brings her back to three faces she hopes to never see again. Her throat goes dry.
“Do you think they’re raiders?” Phoebe brings to herself to ask. Her voice sounds rough.
“Could be. Or people passing by. We get both.” Joel starts surveying the area. Checks out the fire pit and for any traces of the group. He finds footsteps heading in the opposite direction of Jackson. “Looks like we won’t be seeing them anytime soon.”
Joel finds a grim expression on Phoebe’s face. He walks away from the footprints and approaches her. He cups her cheek and the lines on her forehead disappear.
“It’s okay. No one is around. We’ll write it in the book when we get to the checkpoint and tell the others when we get back to Jackson.”
Phoebe doesn’t say anything back. She gazes into his eyes. Nods.
On instinct, he put his head on Gimli’s shoulder, and felt him drop off almost immediately. (...) Before he did fall into Elvish sleep, he heard Gandalf say, very quietly (but not quietly enough for his sharp ears to miss it), to Aragorn: “How long?” “Since Lothlórien,” Aragorn said, equally quiet. “Not long, then,” said Gandalf. “Long enough,” said Aragorn. He sounded weary; this made sense, as nothing else in their conversation did. He had been riding long and was tired.
So last year I binge-read @windandwater Lord of the Rings fanfiction “Where you go, I will go” several times and reaaaaally enjoyed it! I got trapped by the great storytelling, Gimli/Legolas, and the found family trope (my biggest weakness!), and if that’s your jam I recommend you go have a look at it, it’s awesome.
I was very much influenced by a picture called “Couch cuddle” from @adorkastock ( Adorkastock ) I stumbled over once and haven't been able to get out of my head since.
I'd been thinking of doing an entirely separate post for the colored version of the lineart for a while, and seeing a bunch of people in my notes recently remotivated me, so here it is (but still with the lineart, because I like it). Cheers everyone, may spring be gentle.
this is completely out of the blue but you used the tag "textile art" while reblogging a post from my sideblog improbable-rainbows and I have to say THANK YOU OH MY GOD. I've been looking for a tag for crafts, which I consider to be artwork, that indicates that they are art, but that separates them from artwork on paper, for classification is perfect--and that one is perfect, I'm taking it, and again: THANK YOU. you saved a life I'm serious.
oh shit dude i'm glad it helped you! i know nothing about art or anything but i use that when referring to any sort of fiber art, like knitting, sewing, crocheting, needlepoint, anything like that.
Haven't I given enough, given enough?
Haven't I given enough, given enough?
Haven't I given enough, given enough?
Haven't I given enough, given enough?
---
She struggles against Foster’s grip as he and another man drag Phoebe along the ground. She screams in protest as her ankle begs for mercy. She knows she can’t run but she’ll try her damn best to. If only she could get free of the hands around her arms.
“Foster, please don’t do this. Just let me go and I’ll leave. I’ll fucking leave, I swear please. You’ll never see my face again. You don’t even have to tell him you found me. Please. I’m begging you,” She cries out, tears streaming down her face rapidly. He ignores her. As he always does.
The darkness and the unknown of the woods cause fear to settle in her bones. She could see the light of a fire coming closer, causing a raw and painful scream to omit from her throat.
“Please, you’re killing me. You’re killing me, do you hear me?!” Is all she can get out as she’s brought into the opening. He stands facing the fire while Milo and Marla face her. They both hold stoic looks on their faces.
Phoebe is dropped to the ground. A dust of dirt clouds around her and a cracking sound from her ankle rings out. She doesn’t register the pain, not anymore. Not as her chest heaves and she looks up at him. He continues to look at the fire.
“You’ve disappointed me,” He finally says. Doesn’t add anything. He turns to face her and bends down. He grabs her chin between his fingers tightly enough to jerk her head up. “You know what has to happen now.”
“Please…I’ll be good…” She whispers and he closes his eyes.
“You know this hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“I’ll be good…I won’t leave again. Please don’t punish me. I’ll be good,” She tries to pull away but his grip tightens and she whimpers.
She’s met with temporary relief when he lets go. Instead he yanks on her wrist, dragging her across the dirt.
“No no no no,” She tries resisting but he’s always been stronger than her. And bigger. And tougher.
He brings her inches away from the big fire pit. The light reflects in her horrified eyes as he brings her hand towards the flame. Her screams echo in the woods, causing birds to flee from their tree.
The chirping of birds awakens Phoebe. She looks around wildly. Her hair sticks to her forehead, dripping in sweat. She sits on the edge of her bed with shaky legs. It’s been three weeks since she arrived in Jackson and her nightmares had gotten worse each night. Her burn starts to itch but she doesn’t touch it.
Overall, her time in this new society has been going well. She met Georgia, the soap and horse girl. She welcomed Phoebe with open arms and claimed how she was in desperate need of a friend that isn’t “a million years older than her”. Ever since then, Georgia had been checking in on her at the clinic and bringing her new candle scents to test.
Tommy, Maria, and Ellie have also been making Phoebe feel more like one of them. Tommy makes sure she’s eating and brings her something when she declines to go to the dining hall with the rest of his family. Maria comes into the clinic for check-ups and Dr. Lee lets Phoebe sit in on them. Ellie found out, somehow, that Phoebe was a music fanatic. She brought over her CD player that Joel found patrolling one day and played the first ever album she found: Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt. She claimed she hated most of the album but sang along to them all with Phoebe. She almost cried from joy.
Dr. Lee, or Denise now that her and Phoebe were coworkers, had become another rock she could lean on. She is extremely educated and offers all medical situations as a learning opportunity. Denise is kind and gentle in all the way Phoebe knows she never will be.
Phoebe takes a shower to wash all the sweat and gets ready for work as quickly as possible. Spring was approaching and made her feel a little hopeful. For what? She didn’t know.
The front door slams behind her and the blanket resting on the swinging bench falls off the back. She crosses the porch and tosses it back on, knowing she’ll need it later.
Her first step after turning back to the steps creaks for half a second before her foot falls through the wood. She holds her hands out just in time to catch herself.
“Fuck.”
She pulls her foot out of the gaping hole. She stands hesitantly and finds her foot and ankle feel fine, just one little pop. She’ll have to talk to Tommy about that before she comes back home today.
“You’re late,” Denise comments when Phoebe enters her office. Phoebe smiles to herself and puts her coat on a nearby hook. Denise is looking at her expectantly.
“My foot fell through my damn porch this morning,” She explains and Denise raises an eyebrow.
“Well, that is a good excuse. We have no time to waste. Gail is coming in for a check-up first thing this morning. She fell off her horse last night and needs her head checked again…” Denise lists off their to-do list today and Phoebe listens intently, taking notes when needed.
The work day passes by with a speed Phoebe isn’t used to. Granted, every second of the day is filled with cleaning cuts, refilling products, and reading the few medical books Denise has. Tommy stops by the clinic halfway through the day because he dropped something on his foot. After making sure he’s okay, she mentions the new hole in her porch. He tells her she’ll have it fixed in no time. With him being the last patient of the day, she’s left with a satisfactory tiredness and leaves.
A few people greet Phoebe as she heads home for the day. People were getting used to seeing her face and felt comfortable talking with her. She’s quietly humming along to one of the songs Ellie played for her the other day as she reaches her house. She glances to her left to check on the hole and jumps with fear.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Phoebe announces her presence and Joel turns from his hunched over position. It’s clear he’s in the middle of fixing her porch with the tools strewn about everywhere and the new wood laying next to his side. He’s wearing a coat with a flannel underneath with slightly dirty jeans and boots. It’s a simple outfit but it suits him.
“Sorry. Almost done,” Joel replies and Phoebe nods.
“I’ll be inside,” Is all she can think of and he nods back. A man of few words it seems.
Craving something warm, Phoebe begins making dinner. She’s sleepy so she goes for an old reliable. Pasta.
She clangs around in the kitchen for a few minutes, prepping the pot and the ingredients. She’s still a little surprised with how normal cooking in a kitchen feels to her. The last time she’d done that was over ten years ago. Right as Phoebe is draining the pasta water, a quiet knock raps on her.
“One second!” She yells towards the person she assumes is Joel. She places the pot down and wipes her hand on a towel. She throws the towel down and heads for the door.
“Looks like I’m done here. Porch shouldn’t cause you anymore trouble,” Joel begins talking as soon as the door is open. His hair has become a little messier since she’d first come home. It looks soft, like running your hands through it would solve all your problems.
“Oh, thanks,” Phoebe’s cheeks turn a light pink from her previous thought. She doesn’t know if Joel notices or not because he doesn’t say anything.
“Have ya…have ya been likin’ it here?” Joel strains himself to ask and grips onto the door frame with one of his hands.
“The house or Jackson?”
“Both, I guess.”
“The house has been great. Whoever worked on it did an amazing job. It felt like a home as soon as I stepped in.” Phoebe thinks she sees Joel’s cheeks turn slightly redder but she must’ve been imagining it because it was gone in a split second. “Jackson’s really impressed me. I didn't think I’d ever be a part of something so close to what life was like before the outbreak. I really feel like I’m becoming one of you guys.”
“That’s good. Glad you’re likin’ it. Wouldn’t want you to leave or nothin’,” He scratches the back of his neck. A silence falls over the two of them.
Joel looks at something past Phoebe’s head and Phoebe can’t stop looking at Joel’s eyes. Something about them pull her in. She thinks that’s why she says what she says next.
“I was actually about to eat dinner. It’s nothing crazy, just pasta. Would you want to come in and eat with me?” She expects him to immediately decline. He didn’t seem that fond of her. Maybe he’s just wary around new people. To her surprise, he accepts.
He fills the space with warmth and the scent of something earthy and woody as he stands in the entryway of her house. She didn’t realize how big he really is until he got closer to her. She’s not a tiny person by any means, especially not with all the weight she’s gained since arriving in Jackson, but Joel still stands over her with a good few inches. It causes her to take a step back.
“Okay, so I’m almost done with it. I just have to mix the sauce with the pasta and we should be good. Do you want anything to drink while you wait? I have water,” She talks as they walk through her house into the kitchen. He takes a seat at the kitchen table she recently received from Georgia.
“Water would be good,” Joel tells her quietly and she grabs a glass. She hands him the now full cup and her fingers accidentally brush against his. He pulls away like he got stung. She tries not to dwell on what that means.
Eventually the two of them sit across from each other with bowls of food in front of them. They don’t talk and Phoebe notices he has a scar on his temple. She wants to ask where it came from but holds herself back. It’s not like they were friends. They make it halfway through their meal when Joel speaks.
“You look good.” Phoebe blinks a few times to try and understand if he was complimenting her. He must see the look on her face and quickly adds, “Your bruises, I mean. And your cut. Almost all healed.”
“Oh. Yeah, I can barely see the bruises nowadays. Dr. Lee did say the cut would take longer to heal but I didn’t think it’d take this long,” Phoebe shakes her head and a few strands of hair fall from her bun.
“Ellie has a new CD she wants to show you,” He changes the subject suddenly and her eyebrows go up in surprise.
“I can’t wait to hear it. Who is the band?” She asks before picking up her fork and taking another bite of her food. Joel glances at the burn on her hand and grimaces. Self-conscious, she switches the fork to her other hand. She doesn’t really need to try and play it off because it looks like he’s gotten lost in his own thoughts. “Joel?”
“What?” He snaps back into reality and she almost laughs.
“The band?”
“Oh, I don’t know. All she told me was that “it was the angry girl music Phoebe likes”. Could be anyone,” He shrugs and his fork clatters in his bowl once he finishes eating.
“At least I know I’ll like it. It’s sweet she thinks of me.” Phoebe watches Joel bring his bowl to the sink. He’s faced away from her but she sees him turn on the faucet and grab the soap. “You don’t have to do that. I can clean later.”
He grunts in response and continues cleaning. Okay, then. She hurriedly finishes her own and joins him at the sink. He takes the bowl from her, making sure he doesn’t touch her.
The faucet squeaks as he turns it off. He doesn’t say anything and walks to the front door. She follows behind him to head out with him. When she steps out onto the porch with him, he turns to her with a confused look.
“I like to sit on the bench after dinner. People watch and stuff,” She explains, pointing to the swing behind her. He nods.
“Thank you for dinner. It was nice,” He tries to smile but he ends up looking like he wants to bolt from her porch as soon as possible. She must’ve not have been good company. She relieves him quickly.
“No problem. It’s nice cooking for someone else for a change. I’ll see you around?”
“See you around.”
He grabs his tools and shuffles down her steps. She watches him as far as she can before he turns a corner, presumably heading for his house.
—
The next day was Phoebe’s day off. She actually slept in a little. She took her time showering and drinking tea and finishing up the book she had started almost a month ago. She realizes she’s a little obsessed with one of the characters, Fitzwilliam Darcy. She laughs to herself realizing she has a tiny crush on a fictional man.
Ellie stops by after school and finally shows her the new music. It turns out it’s Avril Lavigne. They listen to the whole album twice.
“How are things going at school?” Phoebe asks as the song Complicated plays in the background.
“School is stupid and I hate it.”
“School is important, Els,” Phoebe looks down as Ellie stretches her legs out and her feet rest on her lap.
“I fuckin’ hate math. What the hell even is trigonometry?” She huffs and leans her head back and Phoebe laughs, loudly.
“I hated math too when I was in school. Had to have a tutor every year.”
“Exactly!” She shouts like somehow Phoebe’s answer was evidence enough that no one needed math.
“What about friends? I heard you got in trouble for hitting a boy,” Georgia is dating one of the teacher’s at the makeshift school and had filled in her about the fight and then, of course, Georgia told Phoebe.
“How the hell…”
“I have my ways. Now spill.”
“He was talking shit about Dina and she’s my friend. I’m not gonna let some little fucker talk about her that way,” She justifies and Phoebe considers her explanation before replying.
“Good.”
“Thank you! Joel was mad, though.”
“Of course he was. He’s supposed to be. That’s what parents do,” Phoebe backs him up and Ellie waves her off.
“Whatever,” She takes a look at her watch and sits up. “Shit, I gotta go. Told Joel we’d have dinner tonight.”
Ellie hugs Phoebe quickly and rushes out the door with her CD player. That girl was always in a rush to get to places and do things.
Phoebe also realizes she needs to head out soon too. She’d promised Georgia a few days ago to finally go to The Tipsy Bison. She didn’t really drink so she’s never had a reason to visit.
Since this is her first time, she decides to try and dress a little nicer than what she usually wears. Maria had given Phoebe a black midi length dress that had to be buttoned up and was a little thick to be able to withstand the weather. Once she changes she runs a brush through her hair and decides to leave it down. She stares at her reflection and tries to think of the last time she had her hair down. It was always in a ponytail or a bun or a braid to keep it out of her face. She kind of likes the way she looks at the moment.
Phoebe only semi regrets wearing the dress. The chilly weather causes her to shiver and she wraps her coat around herself tighter. She knows her face will be red from the wind.
“Phoebe!” Georgia’s voice rings out through the bar. Phoebe turns her head and spots her new friend sitting at the bar rather than a table. A grin creeps over her face.
“Hey there, southern belle.” She replies and Georgia playfully rolls her eyes.
“My accent isn’t that strong,” She giggles and Phoebe notices the empty glass in front of her. It seems she’s gotten a jump start to the night. Georgia orders Phoebe a beer from a man named Seth.
“How’s the boyfriend?” Phoebe asks and takes a sip from her beer. Her friend smiles and blushes.
“Liam is great. He was really excited today because of how much the kids got into the lesson. How’s life going on your end?”
“Fine. Keeping busy with the clinic. The craziest thing that’s happened to me is that I had a hole in my porch and Joel fixed it,” Phoebe shrugs and Georgia’s eyes widen.
“Joel Miller? I love Liam but goddamn, that is one fine man. Like I would have risked it all back in the day,” Her friend sighs dreamily and Phoebe raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you think he’s attractive?”
“Um, I guess. If one finds…his sort attractive…” She mutters and looks away.
“Wait a minute.”
“What?”
“Do you like him?”
“ What ? I am not in a position to be with anyone right now,” She shakes her head, not letting out the last part which is “I’m too fucked in the head for anyone to want me”.
“That’s not a no.”
“Georgia.”
“You have no idea what you just started.”
“Do not do anything. I’m being serious, Georgia,” Not knowing what else to say to the girl who has a devious look on her face, she throws back the rest of her beer. She asks Seth for a refill and he’s next to her in a second.
Luckily, Georgia gets distracted by Phoebe chugging her second beer too that she forgets what she was talking about. She moves onto other subjects like what horses she’s been training or how she swears her neighbor is purposefully shoveling snow into her yard. She listens intently. This thing called friendship is new to her and she doesn’t want to take it for granted. Georgia’s been insanely kind to her and she cherishes that.
Phoebe finishes her third beer and starts to feel a little hazy. She feels her muscles relax and Georgia’s face lights up.
“Hey, Tommy and Joel ,” Georgia not-so-subtley nudges Phoebe and she almost asks her why she did that when she registers what she said. She doesn’t want Georgia and Joel anywhere near each other right.
“Hey, Georgia. Phoebe. Didn’t take you for a drinker,” Tommy remarks, mostly towards Phoebe.
“I’m not.”
“I made her come out with me tonight. Girl needs to know how to loosen up. Joel, do you come here often?” She laughs at herself. “That sounded like a pick up line but I swear it wasn’t.”
Phoebe moves to look at Joel and he’s already looking at her. His outfit is pretty similar to the one she say the other day - a flannel and jeans. This time she notices how taut the fabric is against his biceps. She shifts in her seat. She thinks she see Joel’s gaze dip to her lips.
“No, I don’t. Got too much to do,” He grunts out and Tommy claps his hand down onto his brother’s shoulder.
“Brought him out to bribe him.”
“Beer usually fixes all problems.”
“He’s a whiskey guy,” Tommy retorts and calls Seth over.
Phoebe tries to slide off her seat covertly but ends up stumbling. Joel’s hands grab her and wrap around her waist. She looks up at him and sees his jaw clench.
“Sorry, I haven’t drank in years. I think the beer’s gotten to me more than I thought it did.” Joel is the first to pull away and the space feels empty. She excuses herself to the bathroom.
“Wait! I’ll come with you,” Tommy rushes to tag alongside her. She gives him a sideways look.
“I think I can handle going to the bathroom on my own,” She laughs and Tommy pushes her playfully.
“That’s not why I’m walking with you, fool. I need to ask you for something.” Phoebe doesn’t know what she could help with but nods anyway.
“Shoot.”
“I usually do my patrols with Joel but Maria is getting closer to her due date. I want to do more work in Jackson, at least until the baby comes. In case she needs me.”
“Okay…?”
“Which means Joel needs a new patrol partner.”
Phoebe stops in her tracks. She turns and sees Tommy looking nervous.
“I don’t think I can do that. I mean, I’m not even that good at using a gun.”
“Joel can train you.”
“Tommy…”
“Please, Phoebe. Joel refuses to work with Brett and he’s the only other person that would fit out on patrols. I know you like workin’ with Dr. Lee so you have to know I wouldn’t ask you unless it was desperate. Please,” Tommy begs and puts his hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t know if it’s the desperate look in his eye or the three beers but she concedes.
“Fine.”
She struggles against Foster’s grip as he and another man drag Phoebe along the ground. She screams in protest as her ankle begs for mercy. She knows she can’t run but she’ll try her damn best to. If only she could get free of the hands around her arms.
“Foster, please don’t do this. Just let me go and I’ll leave. I’ll fucking leave, I swear please. You’ll never see my face again. You don’t even have to tell him you found me. Please. I’m begging you,” She cries out, tears streaming down her face rapidly. He ignores her. As he always does.
The darkness and the unknown of the woods cause fear to settle in her bones. She could see the light of a fire coming closer, causing a raw and painful scream to omit from her throat.
“Please, you’re killing me. You’re killing me, do you hear me?!” Is all she can get out as she’s brought into the opening. He stands facing the fire while Milo and Marla face her. They both hold stoic looks on their faces.
Phoebe is dropped to the ground. A dust of dirt clouds around her and a cracking sound from her ankle rings out. She doesn’t register the pain, not anymore. Not as her chest heaves and she looks up at him. He continues to look at the fire.
“You’ve disappointed me,” He finally says. Doesn’t add anything. He turns to face her and bends down. He grabs her chin between his fingers tightly enough to jerk her head up. “You know what has to happen now.”
“Please…I’ll be good…” She whispers and he closes his eyes.
“You know this hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“I’ll be good…I won’t leave again. Please don’t punish me. I’ll be good,” She tries to pull away but his grip tightens and she whimpers.
She’s met with temporary relief when he lets go. Instead he yanks on her wrist, dragging her across the dirt.
“No no no no,” She tries resisting but he’s always been stronger than her. And bigger. And tougher.
He brings her inches away from the big fire pit. The light reflects in her horrified eyes as he brings her hand towards the flame. Her screams echo in the woods, causing birds to flee from their tree.
The chirping of birds awakens Phoebe. She looks around wildly. Her hair sticks to her forehead, dripping in sweat. She sits on the edge of her bed with shaky legs. It’s been three weeks since she arrived in Jackson and her nightmares had gotten worse each night. Her burn starts to itch but she doesn’t touch it.
Overall, her time in this new society has been going well. She met Georgia, the soap and horse girl. She welcomed Phoebe with open arms and claimed how she was in desperate need of a friend that isn’t “a million years older than her”. Ever since then, Georgia had been checking in on her at the clinic and bringing her new candle scents to test.
Tommy, Maria, and Ellie have also been making Phoebe feel more like one of them. Tommy makes sure she’s eating and brings her something when she declines to go to the dining hall with the rest of his family. Maria comes into the clinic for check-ups and Dr. Lee lets Phoebe sit in on them. Ellie found out, somehow, that Phoebe was a music fanatic. She brought over her CD player that Joel found patrolling one day and played the first ever album she found: Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt. She claimed she hated most of the album but sang along to them all with Phoebe. She almost cried from joy.
Dr. Lee, or Denise now that her and Phoebe were coworkers, had become another rock she could lean on. She is extremely educated and offers all medical situations as a learning opportunity. Denise is kind and gentle in all the way Phoebe knows she never will be.
Phoebe takes a shower to wash all the sweat and gets ready for work as quickly as possible. Spring was approaching and made her feel a little hopeful. For what? She didn’t know.
The front door slams behind her and the blanket resting on the swinging bench falls off the back. She crosses the porch and tosses it back on, knowing she’ll need it later.
Her first step after turning back to the steps creaks for half a second before her foot falls through the wood. She holds her hands out just in time to catch herself.
“Fuck.”
She pulls her foot out of the gaping hole. She stands hesitantly and finds her foot and ankle feel fine, just one little pop. She’ll have to talk to Tommy about that before she comes back home today.
“You’re late,” Denise comments when Phoebe enters her office. Phoebe smiles to herself and puts her coat on a nearby hook. Denise is looking at her expectantly.
“My foot fell through my damn porch this morning,” She explains and Denise raises an eyebrow.
“Well, that is a good excuse. We have no time to waste. Gail is coming in for a check-up first thing this morning. She fell off her horse last night and needs her head checked again…” Denise lists off their to-do list today and Phoebe listens intently, taking notes when needed.
The work day passes by with a speed Phoebe isn’t used to. Granted, every second of the day is filled with cleaning cuts, refilling products, and reading the few medical books Denise has. Tommy stops by the clinic halfway through the day because he dropped something on his foot. After making sure he’s okay, she mentions the new hole in her porch. He tells her she’ll have it fixed in no time. With him being the last patient of the day, she’s left with a satisfactory tiredness and leaves.
A few people greet Phoebe as she heads home for the day. People were getting used to seeing her face and felt comfortable talking with her. She’s quietly humming along to one of the songs Ellie played for her the other day as she reaches her house. She glances to her left to check on the hole and jumps with fear.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Phoebe announces her presence and Joel turns from his hunched over position. It’s clear he’s in the middle of fixing her porch with the tools strewn about everywhere and the new wood laying next to his side. He’s wearing a coat with a flannel underneath with slightly dirty jeans and boots. It’s a simple outfit but it suits him.
“Sorry. Almost done,” Joel replies and Phoebe nods.
“I’ll be inside,” Is all she can think of and he nods back. A man of few words it seems.
Craving something warm, Phoebe begins making dinner. She’s sleepy so she goes for an old reliable. Pasta.
She clangs around in the kitchen for a few minutes, prepping the pot and the ingredients. She’s still a little surprised with how normal cooking in a kitchen feels to her. The last time she’d done that was over ten years ago. Right as Phoebe is draining the pasta water, a quiet knock raps on her.
“One second!” She yells towards the person she assumes is Joel. She places the pot down and wipes her hand on a towel. She throws the towel down and heads for the door.
“Looks like I’m done here. Porch shouldn’t cause you anymore trouble,” Joel begins talking as soon as the door is open. His hair has become a little messier since she’d first come home. It looks soft, like running your hands through it would solve all your problems.
“Oh, thanks,” Phoebe’s cheeks turn a light pink from her previous thought. She doesn’t know if Joel notices or not because he doesn’t say anything.
“Have ya…have ya been likin’ it here?” Joel strains himself to ask and grips onto the door frame with one of his hands.
“The house or Jackson?”
“Both, I guess.”
“The house has been great. Whoever worked on it did an amazing job. It felt like a home as soon as I stepped in.” Phoebe thinks she sees Joel’s cheeks turn slightly redder but she must’ve been imagining it because it was gone in a split second. “Jackson’s really impressed me. I didn't think I’d ever be a part of something so close to what life was like before the outbreak. I really feel like I’m becoming one of you guys.”
“That’s good. Glad you’re likin’ it. Wouldn’t want you to leave or nothin’,” He scratches the back of his neck. A silence falls over the two of them.
Joel looks at something past Phoebe’s head and Phoebe can’t stop looking at Joel’s eyes. Something about them pull her in. She thinks that’s why she says what she says next.
“I was actually about to eat dinner. It’s nothing crazy, just pasta. Would you want to come in and eat with me?” She expects him to immediately decline. He didn’t seem that fond of her. Maybe he’s just wary around new people. To her surprise, he accepts.
He fills the space with warmth and the scent of something earthy and woody as he stands in the entryway of her house. She didn’t realize how big he really is until he got closer to her. She’s not a tiny person by any means, especially not with all the weight she’s gained since arriving in Jackson, but Joel still stands over her with a good few inches. It causes her to take a step back.
“Okay, so I’m almost done with it. I just have to mix the sauce with the pasta and we should be good. Do you want anything to drink while you wait? I have water,” She talks as they walk through her house into the kitchen. He takes a seat at the kitchen table she recently received from Georgia.
“Water would be good,” Joel tells her quietly and she grabs a glass. She hands him the now full cup and her fingers accidentally brush against his. He pulls away like he got stung. She tries not to dwell on what that means.
Eventually the two of them sit across from each other with bowls of food in front of them. They don’t talk and Phoebe notices he has a scar on his temple. She wants to ask where it came from but holds herself back. It’s not like they were friends. They make it halfway through their meal when Joel speaks.
“You look good.” Phoebe blinks a few times to try and understand if he was complimenting her. He must see the look on her face and quickly adds, “Your bruises, I mean. And your cut. Almost all healed.”
“Oh. Yeah, I can barely see the bruises nowadays. Dr. Lee did say the cut would take longer to heal but I didn’t think it’d take this long,” Phoebe shakes her head and a few strands of hair fall from her bun.
“Ellie has a new CD she wants to show you,” He changes the subject suddenly and her eyebrows go up in surprise.
“I can’t wait to hear it. Who is the band?” She asks before picking up her fork and taking another bite of her food. Joel glances at the burn on her hand and grimaces. Self-conscious, she switches the fork to her other hand. She doesn’t really need to try and play it off because it looks like he’s gotten lost in his own thoughts. “Joel?”
“What?” He snaps back into reality and she almost laughs.
“The band?”
“Oh, I don’t know. All she told me was that “it was the angry girl music Phoebe likes”. Could be anyone,” He shrugs and his fork clatters in his bowl once he finishes eating.
“At least I know I’ll like it. It’s sweet she thinks of me.” Phoebe watches Joel bring his bowl to the sink. He’s faced away from her but she sees him turn on the faucet and grab the soap. “You don’t have to do that. I can clean later.”
He grunts in response and continues cleaning. Okay, then. She hurriedly finishes her own and joins him at the sink. He takes the bowl from her, making sure he doesn’t touch her.
The faucet squeaks as he turns it off. He doesn’t say anything and walks to the front door. She follows behind him to head out with him. When she steps out onto the porch with him, he turns to her with a confused look.
“I like to sit on the bench after dinner. People watch and stuff,” She explains, pointing to the swing behind her. He nods.
“Thank you for dinner. It was nice,” He tries to smile but he ends up looking like he wants to bolt from her porch as soon as possible. She must’ve not have been good company. She relieves him quickly.
“No problem. It’s nice cooking for someone else for a change. I’ll see you around?”
“See you around.”
He grabs his tools and shuffles down her steps. She watches him as far as she can before he turns a corner, presumably heading for his house.
—
The next day was Phoebe’s day off. She actually slept in a little. She took her time showering and drinking tea and finishing up the book she had started almost a month ago. She realizes she’s a little obsessed with one of the characters, Fitzwilliam Darcy. She laughs to herself realizing she has a tiny crush on a fictional man.
Ellie stops by after school and finally shows her the new music. It turns out it’s Avril Lavigne. They listen to the whole album twice.
“How are things going at school?” Phoebe asks as the song Complicated plays in the background.
“School is stupid and I hate it.”
“School is important, Els,” Phoebe looks down as Ellie stretches her legs out and her feet rest on her lap.
“I fuckin’ hate math. What the hell even is trigonometry?” She huffs and leans her head back and Phoebe laughs, loudly.
“I hated math too when I was in school. Had to have a tutor every year.”
“Exactly!” She shouts like somehow Phoebe’s answer was evidence enough that no one needed math.
“What about friends? I heard you got in trouble for hitting a boy,” Georgia is dating one of the teacher’s at the makeshift school and had filled in her about the fight and then, of course, Georgia told Phoebe.
“How the hell…”
“I have my ways. Now spill.”
“He was talking shit about Dina and she’s my friend. I’m not gonna let some little fucker talk about her that way,” She justifies and Phoebe considers her explanation before replying.
“Good.”
“Thank you! Joel was mad, though.”
“Of course he was. He’s supposed to be. That’s what parents do,” Phoebe backs him up and Ellie waves her off.
“Whatever,” She takes a look at her watch and sits up. “Shit, I gotta go. Told Joel we’d have dinner tonight.”
Ellie hugs Phoebe quickly and rushes out the door with her CD player. That girl was always in a rush to get to places and do things.
Phoebe also realizes she needs to head out soon too. She’d promised Georgia a few days ago to finally go to The Tipsy Bison. She didn’t really drink so she’s never had a reason to visit.
Since this is her first time, she decides to try and dress a little nicer than what she usually wears. Maria had given Phoebe a black midi length dress that had to be buttoned up and was a little thick to be able to withstand the weather. Once she changes she runs a brush through her hair and decides to leave it down. She stares at her reflection and tries to think of the last time she had her hair down. It was always in a ponytail or a bun or a braid to keep it out of her face. She kind of likes the way she looks at the moment.
Phoebe only semi regrets wearing the dress. The chilly weather causes her to shiver and she wraps her coat around herself tighter. She knows her face will be red from the wind.
“Phoebe!” Georgia’s voice rings out through the bar. Phoebe turns her head and spots her new friend sitting at the bar rather than a table. A grin creeps over her face.
“Hey there, southern belle.” She replies and Georgia playfully rolls her eyes.
“My accent isn’t that strong,” She giggles and Phoebe notices the empty glass in front of her. It seems she’s gotten a jump start to the night. Georgia orders Phoebe a beer from a man named Seth.
“How’s the boyfriend?” Phoebe asks and takes a sip from her beer. Her friend smiles and blushes.
“Liam is great. He was really excited today because of how much the kids got into the lesson. How’s life going on your end?”
“Fine. Keeping busy with the clinic. The craziest thing that’s happened to me is that I had a hole in my porch and Joel fixed it,” Phoebe shrugs and Georgia’s eyes widen.
“Joel Miller? I love Liam but goddamn, that is one fine man. Like I would have risked it all back in the day,” Her friend sighs dreamily and Phoebe raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you think he’s attractive?”
“Um, I guess. If one finds…his sort attractive…” She mutters and looks away.
“Wait a minute.”
“What?”
“Do you like him?”
“ What ? I am not in a position to be with anyone right now,” She shakes her head, not letting out the last part which is “I’m too fucked in the head for anyone to want me”.
“That’s not a no.”
“Georgia.”
“You have no idea what you just started.”
“Do not do anything. I’m being serious, Georgia,” Not knowing what else to say to the girl who has a devious look on her face, she throws back the rest of her beer. She asks Seth for a refill and he’s next to her in a second.
Luckily, Georgia gets distracted by Phoebe chugging her second beer too that she forgets what she was talking about. She moves onto other subjects like what horses she’s been training or how she swears her neighbor is purposefully shoveling snow into her yard. She listens intently. This thing called friendship is new to her and she doesn’t want to take it for granted. Georgia’s been insanely kind to her and she cherishes that.
Phoebe finishes her third beer and starts to feel a little hazy. She feels her muscles relax and Georgia’s face lights up.
“Hey, Tommy and Joel ,” Georgia not-so-subtley nudges Phoebe and she almost asks her why she did that when she registers what she said. She doesn’t want Georgia and Joel anywhere near each other right.
“Hey, Georgia. Phoebe. Didn’t take you for a drinker,” Tommy remarks, mostly towards Phoebe.
“I’m not.”
“I made her come out with me tonight. Girl needs to know how to loosen up. Joel, do you come here often?” She laughs at herself. “That sounded like a pick up line but I swear it wasn’t.”
Phoebe moves to look at Joel and he’s already looking at her. His outfit is pretty similar to the one she say the other day - a flannel and jeans. This time she notices how taut the fabric is against his biceps. She shifts in her seat. She thinks she see Joel’s gaze dip to her lips.
“No, I don’t. Got too much to do,” He grunts out and Tommy claps his hand down onto his brother’s shoulder.
“Brought him out to bribe him.”
“Beer usually fixes all problems.”
“He’s a whiskey guy,” Tommy retorts and calls Seth over.
Phoebe tries to slide off her seat covertly but ends up stumbling. Joel’s hands grab her and wrap around her waist. She looks up at him and sees his jaw clench.
“Sorry, I haven’t drank in years. I think the beer’s gotten to me more than I thought it did.” Joel is the first to pull away and the space feels empty. She excuses herself to the bathroom.
“Wait! I’ll come with you,” Tommy rushes to tag alongside her. She gives him a sideways look.
“I think I can handle going to the bathroom on my own,” She laughs and Tommy pushes her playfully.
“That’s not why I’m walking with you, fool. I need to ask you for something.” Phoebe doesn’t know what she could help with but nods anyway.
“Shoot.”
“I usually do my patrols with Joel but Maria is getting closer to her due date. I want to do more work in Jackson, at least until the baby comes. In case she needs me.”
“Okay…?”
“Which means Joel needs a new patrol partner.”
Phoebe stops in her tracks. She turns and sees Tommy looking nervous.
“I don’t think I can do that. I mean, I’m not even that good at using a gun.”
“Joel can train you.”
“Tommy…”
“Please, Phoebe. Joel refuses to work with Brett and he’s the only other person that would fit out on patrols. I know you like workin’ with Dr. Lee so you have to know I wouldn’t ask you unless it was desperate. Please,” Tommy begs and puts his hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t know if it’s the desperate look in his eye or the three beers but she concedes.
“Fine.”
She struggles against Foster’s grip as he and another man drag Phoebe along the ground. She screams in protest as her ankle begs for mercy. She knows she can’t run but she’ll try her damn best to. If only she could get free of the hands around her arms.
“Foster, please don’t do this. Just let me go and I’ll leave. I’ll fucking leave, I swear please. You’ll never see my face again. You don’t even have to tell him you found me. Please. I’m begging you,” She cries out, tears streaming down her face rapidly. He ignores her. As he always does.
The darkness and the unknown of the woods cause fear to settle in her bones. She could see the light of a fire coming closer, causing a raw and painful scream to omit from her throat.
“Please, you’re killing me. You’re killing me, do you hear me?!” Is all she can get out as she’s brought into the opening. He stands facing the fire while Milo and Marla face her. They both hold stoic looks on their faces.
Phoebe is dropped to the ground. A dust of dirt clouds around her and a cracking sound from her ankle rings out. She doesn’t register the pain, not anymore. Not as her chest heaves and she looks up at him. He continues to look at the fire.
“You’ve disappointed me,” He finally says. Doesn’t add anything. He turns to face her and bends down. He grabs her chin between his fingers tightly enough to jerk her head up. “You know what has to happen now.”
“Please…I’ll be good…” She whispers and he closes his eyes.
“You know this hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“I’ll be good…I won’t leave again. Please don’t punish me. I’ll be good,” She tries to pull away but his grip tightens and she whimpers.
She’s met with temporary relief when he lets go. Instead he yanks on her wrist, dragging her across the dirt.
“No no no no,” She tries resisting but he’s always been stronger than her. And bigger. And tougher.
He brings her inches away from the big fire pit. The light reflects in her horrified eyes as he brings her hand towards the flame. Her screams echo in the woods, causing birds to flee from their tree.
The chirping of birds awakens Phoebe. She looks around wildly. Her hair sticks to her forehead, dripping in sweat. She sits on the edge of her bed with shaky legs. It’s been three weeks since she arrived in Jackson and her nightmares had gotten worse each night. Her burn starts to itch but she doesn’t touch it.
Overall, her time in this new society has been going well. She met Georgia, the soap and horse girl. She welcomed Phoebe with open arms and claimed how she was in desperate need of a friend that isn’t “a million years older than her”. Ever since then, Georgia had been checking in on her at the clinic and bringing her new candle scents to test.
Tommy, Maria, and Ellie have also been making Phoebe feel more like one of them. Tommy makes sure she’s eating and brings her something when she declines to go to the dining hall with the rest of his family. Maria comes into the clinic for check-ups and Dr. Lee lets Phoebe sit in on them. Ellie found out, somehow, that Phoebe was a music fanatic. She brought over her CD player that Joel found patrolling one day and played the first ever album she found: Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt. She claimed she hated most of the album but sang along to them all with Phoebe. She almost cried from joy.
Dr. Lee, or Denise now that her and Phoebe were coworkers, had become another rock she could lean on. She is extremely educated and offers all medical situations as a learning opportunity. Denise is kind and gentle in all the way Phoebe knows she never will be.
Phoebe takes a shower to wash all the sweat and gets ready for work as quickly as possible. Spring was approaching and made her feel a little hopeful. For what? She didn’t know.
The front door slams behind her and the blanket resting on the swinging bench falls off the back. She crosses the porch and tosses it back on, knowing she’ll need it later.
Her first step after turning back to the steps creaks for half a second before her foot falls through the wood. She holds her hands out just in time to catch herself.
“Fuck.”
She pulls her foot out of the gaping hole. She stands hesitantly and finds her foot and ankle feel fine, just one little pop. She’ll have to talk to Tommy about that before she comes back home today.
“You’re late,” Denise comments when Phoebe enters her office. Phoebe smiles to herself and puts her coat on a nearby hook. Denise is looking at her expectantly.
“My foot fell through my damn porch this morning,” She explains and Denise raises an eyebrow.
“Well, that is a good excuse. We have no time to waste. Gail is coming in for a check-up first thing this morning. She fell off her horse last night and needs her head checked again…” Denise lists off their to-do list today and Phoebe listens intently, taking notes when needed.
The work day passes by with a speed Phoebe isn’t used to. Granted, every second of the day is filled with cleaning cuts, refilling products, and reading the few medical books Denise has. Tommy stops by the clinic halfway through the day because he dropped something on his foot. After making sure he’s okay, she mentions the new hole in her porch. He tells her she’ll have it fixed in no time. With him being the last patient of the day, she’s left with a satisfactory tiredness and leaves.
A few people greet Phoebe as she heads home for the day. People were getting used to seeing her face and felt comfortable talking with her. She’s quietly humming along to one of the songs Ellie played for her the other day as she reaches her house. She glances to her left to check on the hole and jumps with fear.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Phoebe announces her presence and Joel turns from his hunched over position. It’s clear he’s in the middle of fixing her porch with the tools strewn about everywhere and the new wood laying next to his side. He’s wearing a coat with a flannel underneath with slightly dirty jeans and boots. It’s a simple outfit but it suits him.
“Sorry. Almost done,” Joel replies and Phoebe nods.
“I’ll be inside,” Is all she can think of and he nods back. A man of few words it seems.
Craving something warm, Phoebe begins making dinner. She’s sleepy so she goes for an old reliable. Pasta.
She clangs around in the kitchen for a few minutes, prepping the pot and the ingredients. She’s still a little surprised with how normal cooking in a kitchen feels to her. The last time she’d done that was over ten years ago. Right as Phoebe is draining the pasta water, a quiet knock raps on her.
“One second!” She yells towards the person she assumes is Joel. She places the pot down and wipes her hand on a towel. She throws the towel down and heads for the door.
“Looks like I’m done here. Porch shouldn’t cause you anymore trouble,” Joel begins talking as soon as the door is open. His hair has become a little messier since she’d first come home. It looks soft, like running your hands through it would solve all your problems.
“Oh, thanks,” Phoebe’s cheeks turn a light pink from her previous thought. She doesn’t know if Joel notices or not because he doesn’t say anything.
“Have ya…have ya been likin’ it here?” Joel strains himself to ask and grips onto the door frame with one of his hands.
“The house or Jackson?”
“Both, I guess.”
“The house has been great. Whoever worked on it did an amazing job. It felt like a home as soon as I stepped in.” Phoebe thinks she sees Joel’s cheeks turn slightly redder but she must’ve been imagining it because it was gone in a split second. “Jackson’s really impressed me. I didn't think I’d ever be a part of something so close to what life was like before the outbreak. I really feel like I’m becoming one of you guys.”
“That’s good. Glad you’re likin’ it. Wouldn’t want you to leave or nothin’,” He scratches the back of his neck. A silence falls over the two of them.
Joel looks at something past Phoebe’s head and Phoebe can’t stop looking at Joel’s eyes. Something about them pull her in. She thinks that’s why she says what she says next.
“I was actually about to eat dinner. It’s nothing crazy, just pasta. Would you want to come in and eat with me?” She expects him to immediately decline. He didn’t seem that fond of her. Maybe he’s just wary around new people. To her surprise, he accepts.
He fills the space with warmth and the scent of something earthy and woody as he stands in the entryway of her house. She didn’t realize how big he really is until he got closer to her. She’s not a tiny person by any means, especially not with all the weight she’s gained since arriving in Jackson, but Joel still stands over her with a good few inches. It causes her to take a step back.
“Okay, so I’m almost done with it. I just have to mix the sauce with the pasta and we should be good. Do you want anything to drink while you wait? I have water,” She talks as they walk through her house into the kitchen. He takes a seat at the kitchen table she recently received from Georgia.
“Water would be good,” Joel tells her quietly and she grabs a glass. She hands him the now full cup and her fingers accidentally brush against his. He pulls away like he got stung. She tries not to dwell on what that means.
Eventually the two of them sit across from each other with bowls of food in front of them. They don’t talk and Phoebe notices he has a scar on his temple. She wants to ask where it came from but holds herself back. It’s not like they were friends. They make it halfway through their meal when Joel speaks.
“You look good.” Phoebe blinks a few times to try and understand if he was complimenting her. He must see the look on her face and quickly adds, “Your bruises, I mean. And your cut. Almost all healed.”
“Oh. Yeah, I can barely see the bruises nowadays. Dr. Lee did say the cut would take longer to heal but I didn’t think it’d take this long,” Phoebe shakes her head and a few strands of hair fall from her bun.
“Ellie has a new CD she wants to show you,” He changes the subject suddenly and her eyebrows go up in surprise.
“I can’t wait to hear it. Who is the band?” She asks before picking up her fork and taking another bite of her food. Joel glances at the burn on her hand and grimaces. Self-conscious, she switches the fork to her other hand. She doesn’t really need to try and play it off because it looks like he’s gotten lost in his own thoughts. “Joel?”
“What?” He snaps back into reality and she almost laughs.
“The band?”
“Oh, I don’t know. All she told me was that “it was the angry girl music Phoebe likes”. Could be anyone,” He shrugs and his fork clatters in his bowl once he finishes eating.
“At least I know I’ll like it. It’s sweet she thinks of me.” Phoebe watches Joel bring his bowl to the sink. He’s faced away from her but she sees him turn on the faucet and grab the soap. “You don’t have to do that. I can clean later.”
He grunts in response and continues cleaning. Okay, then. She hurriedly finishes her own and joins him at the sink. He takes the bowl from her, making sure he doesn’t touch her.
The faucet squeaks as he turns it off. He doesn’t say anything and walks to the front door. She follows behind him to head out with him. When she steps out onto the porch with him, he turns to her with a confused look.
“I like to sit on the bench after dinner. People watch and stuff,” She explains, pointing to the swing behind her. He nods.
“Thank you for dinner. It was nice,” He tries to smile but he ends up looking like he wants to bolt from her porch as soon as possible. She must’ve not have been good company. She relieves him quickly.
“No problem. It’s nice cooking for someone else for a change. I’ll see you around?”
“See you around.”
He grabs his tools and shuffles down her steps. She watches him as far as she can before he turns a corner, presumably heading for his house.
—
The next day was Phoebe’s day off. She actually slept in a little. She took her time showering and drinking tea and finishing up the book she had started almost a month ago. She realizes she’s a little obsessed with one of the characters, Fitzwilliam Darcy. She laughs to herself realizing she has a tiny crush on a fictional man.
Ellie stops by after school and finally shows her the new music. It turns out it’s Avril Lavigne. They listen to the whole album twice.
“How are things going at school?” Phoebe asks as the song Complicated plays in the background.
“School is stupid and I hate it.”
“School is important, Els,” Phoebe looks down as Ellie stretches her legs out and her feet rest on her lap.
“I fuckin’ hate math. What the hell even is trigonometry?” She huffs and leans her head back and Phoebe laughs, loudly.
“I hated math too when I was in school. Had to have a tutor every year.”
“Exactly!” She shouts like somehow Phoebe’s answer was evidence enough that no one needed math.
“What about friends? I heard you got in trouble for hitting a boy,” Georgia is dating one of the teacher’s at the makeshift school and had filled in her about the fight and then, of course, Georgia told Phoebe.
“How the hell…”
“I have my ways. Now spill.”
“He was talking shit about Dina and she’s my friend. I’m not gonna let some little fucker talk about her that way,” She justifies and Phoebe considers her explanation before replying.
“Good.”
“Thank you! Joel was mad, though.”
“Of course he was. He’s supposed to be. That’s what parents do,” Phoebe backs him up and Ellie waves her off.
“Whatever,” She takes a look at her watch and sits up. “Shit, I gotta go. Told Joel we’d have dinner tonight.”
Ellie hugs Phoebe quickly and rushes out the door with her CD player. That girl was always in a rush to get to places and do things.
Phoebe also realizes she needs to head out soon too. She’d promised Georgia a few days ago to finally go to The Tipsy Bison. She didn’t really drink so she’s never had a reason to visit.
Since this is her first time, she decides to try and dress a little nicer than what she usually wears. Maria had given Phoebe a black midi length dress that had to be buttoned up and was a little thick to be able to withstand the weather. Once she changes she runs a brush through her hair and decides to leave it down. She stares at her reflection and tries to think of the last time she had her hair down. It was always in a ponytail or a bun or a braid to keep it out of her face. She kind of likes the way she looks at the moment.
Phoebe only semi regrets wearing the dress. The chilly weather causes her to shiver and she wraps her coat around herself tighter. She knows her face will be red from the wind.
“Phoebe!” Georgia’s voice rings out through the bar. Phoebe turns her head and spots her new friend sitting at the bar rather than a table. A grin creeps over her face.
“Hey there, southern belle.” She replies and Georgia playfully rolls her eyes.
“My accent isn’t that strong,” She giggles and Phoebe notices the empty glass in front of her. It seems she’s gotten a jump start to the night. Georgia orders Phoebe a beer from a man named Seth.
“How’s the boyfriend?” Phoebe asks and takes a sip from her beer. Her friend smiles and blushes.
“Liam is great. He was really excited today because of how much the kids got into the lesson. How’s life going on your end?”
“Fine. Keeping busy with the clinic. The craziest thing that’s happened to me is that I had a hole in my porch and Joel fixed it,” Phoebe shrugs and Georgia’s eyes widen.
“Joel Miller? I love Liam but goddamn, that is one fine man. Like I would have risked it all back in the day,” Her friend sighs dreamily and Phoebe raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you think he’s attractive?”
“Um, I guess. If one finds…his sort attractive…” She mutters and looks away.
“Wait a minute.”
“What?”
“Do you like him?”
“ What ? I am not in a position to be with anyone right now,” She shakes her head, not letting out the last part which is “I’m too fucked in the head for anyone to want me”.
“That’s not a no.”
“Georgia.”
“You have no idea what you just started.”
“Do not do anything. I’m being serious, Georgia,” Not knowing what else to say to the girl who has a devious look on her face, she throws back the rest of her beer. She asks Seth for a refill and he’s next to her in a second.
Luckily, Georgia gets distracted by Phoebe chugging her second beer too that she forgets what she was talking about. She moves onto other subjects like what horses she’s been training or how she swears her neighbor is purposefully shoveling snow into her yard. She listens intently. This thing called friendship is new to her and she doesn’t want to take it for granted. Georgia’s been insanely kind to her and she cherishes that.
Phoebe finishes her third beer and starts to feel a little hazy. She feels her muscles relax and Georgia’s face lights up.
“Hey, Tommy and Joel ,” Georgia not-so-subtley nudges Phoebe and she almost asks her why she did that when she registers what she said. She doesn’t want Georgia and Joel anywhere near each other right.
“Hey, Georgia. Phoebe. Didn’t take you for a drinker,” Tommy remarks, mostly towards Phoebe.
“I’m not.”
“I made her come out with me tonight. Girl needs to know how to loosen up. Joel, do you come here often?” She laughs at herself. “That sounded like a pick up line but I swear it wasn’t.”
Phoebe moves to look at Joel and he’s already looking at her. His outfit is pretty similar to the one she say the other day - a flannel and jeans. This time she notices how taut the fabric is against his biceps. She shifts in her seat. She thinks she see Joel’s gaze dip to her lips.
“No, I don’t. Got too much to do,” He grunts out and Tommy claps his hand down onto his brother’s shoulder.
“Brought him out to bribe him.”
“Beer usually fixes all problems.”
“He’s a whiskey guy,” Tommy retorts and calls Seth over.
Phoebe tries to slide off her seat covertly but ends up stumbling. Joel’s hands grab her and wrap around her waist. She looks up at him and sees his jaw clench.
“Sorry, I haven’t drank in years. I think the beer’s gotten to me more than I thought it did.” Joel is the first to pull away and the space feels empty. She excuses herself to the bathroom.
“Wait! I’ll come with you,” Tommy rushes to tag alongside her. She gives him a sideways look.
“I think I can handle going to the bathroom on my own,” She laughs and Tommy pushes her playfully.
“That’s not why I’m walking with you, fool. I need to ask you for something.” Phoebe doesn’t know what she could help with but nods anyway.
“Shoot.”
“I usually do my patrols with Joel but Maria is getting closer to her due date. I want to do more work in Jackson, at least until the baby comes. In case she needs me.”
“Okay…?”
“Which means Joel needs a new patrol partner.”
Phoebe stops in her tracks. She turns and sees Tommy looking nervous.
“I don’t think I can do that. I mean, I’m not even that good at using a gun.”
“Joel can train you.”
“Tommy…”
“Please, Phoebe. Joel refuses to work with Brett and he’s the only other person that would fit out on patrols. I know you like workin’ with Dr. Lee so you have to know I wouldn’t ask you unless it was desperate. Please,” Tommy begs and puts his hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t know if it’s the desperate look in his eye or the three beers but she concedes.
“Fine.”
She struggles against Foster’s grip as he and another man drag Phoebe along the ground. She screams in protest as her ankle begs for mercy. She knows she can’t run but she’ll try her damn best to. If only she could get free of the hands around her arms.
“Foster, please don’t do this. Just let me go and I’ll leave. I’ll fucking leave, I swear please. You’ll never see my face again. You don’t even have to tell him you found me. Please. I’m begging you,” She cries out, tears streaming down her face rapidly. He ignores her. As he always does.
The darkness and the unknown of the woods cause fear to settle in her bones. She could see the light of a fire coming closer, causing a raw and painful scream to omit from her throat.
“Please, you’re killing me. You’re killing me, do you hear me?!” Is all she can get out as she’s brought into the opening. He stands facing the fire while Milo and Marla face her. They both hold stoic looks on their faces.
Phoebe is dropped to the ground. A dust of dirt clouds around her and a cracking sound from her ankle rings out. She doesn’t register the pain, not anymore. Not as her chest heaves and she looks up at him. He continues to look at the fire.
“You’ve disappointed me,” He finally says. Doesn’t add anything. He turns to face her and bends down. He grabs her chin between his fingers tightly enough to jerk her head up. “You know what has to happen now.”
“Please…I’ll be good…” She whispers and he closes his eyes.
“You know this hurts me more than it hurts you.”
“I’ll be good…I won’t leave again. Please don’t punish me. I’ll be good,” She tries to pull away but his grip tightens and she whimpers.
She’s met with temporary relief when he lets go. Instead he yanks on her wrist, dragging her across the dirt.
“No no no no,” She tries resisting but he’s always been stronger than her. And bigger. And tougher.
He brings her inches away from the big fire pit. The light reflects in her horrified eyes as he brings her hand towards the flame. Her screams echo in the woods, causing birds to flee from their tree.
The chirping of birds awakens Phoebe. She looks around wildly. Her hair sticks to her forehead, dripping in sweat. She sits on the edge of her bed with shaky legs. It’s been three weeks since she arrived in Jackson and her nightmares had gotten worse each night. Her burn starts to itch but she doesn’t touch it.
Overall, her time in this new society has been going well. She met Georgia, the soap and horse girl. She welcomed Phoebe with open arms and claimed how she was in desperate need of a friend that isn’t “a million years older than her”. Ever since then, Georgia had been checking in on her at the clinic and bringing her new candle scents to test.
Tommy, Maria, and Ellie have also been making Phoebe feel more like one of them. Tommy makes sure she’s eating and brings her something when she declines to go to the dining hall with the rest of his family. Maria comes into the clinic for check-ups and Dr. Lee lets Phoebe sit in on them. Ellie found out, somehow, that Phoebe was a music fanatic. She brought over her CD player that Joel found patrolling one day and played the first ever album she found: Tragic Kingdom by No Doubt. She claimed she hated most of the album but sang along to them all with Phoebe. She almost cried from joy.
Dr. Lee, or Denise now that her and Phoebe were coworkers, had become another rock she could lean on. She is extremely educated and offers all medical situations as a learning opportunity. Denise is kind and gentle in all the way Phoebe knows she never will be.
Phoebe takes a shower to wash all the sweat and gets ready for work as quickly as possible. Spring was approaching and made her feel a little hopeful. For what? She didn’t know.
The front door slams behind her and the blanket resting on the swinging bench falls off the back. She crosses the porch and tosses it back on, knowing she’ll need it later.
Her first step after turning back to the steps creaks for half a second before her foot falls through the wood. She holds her hands out just in time to catch herself.
“Fuck.”
She pulls her foot out of the gaping hole. She stands hesitantly and finds her foot and ankle feel fine, just one little pop. She’ll have to talk to Tommy about that before she comes back home today.
“You’re late,” Denise comments when Phoebe enters her office. Phoebe smiles to herself and puts her coat on a nearby hook. Denise is looking at her expectantly.
“My foot fell through my damn porch this morning,” She explains and Denise raises an eyebrow.
“Well, that is a good excuse. We have no time to waste. Gail is coming in for a check-up first thing this morning. She fell off her horse last night and needs her head checked again…” Denise lists off their to-do list today and Phoebe listens intently, taking notes when needed.
The work day passes by with a speed Phoebe isn’t used to. Granted, every second of the day is filled with cleaning cuts, refilling products, and reading the few medical books Denise has. Tommy stops by the clinic halfway through the day because he dropped something on his foot. After making sure he’s okay, she mentions the new hole in her porch. He tells her she’ll have it fixed in no time. With him being the last patient of the day, she’s left with a satisfactory tiredness and leaves.
A few people greet Phoebe as she heads home for the day. People were getting used to seeing her face and felt comfortable talking with her. She’s quietly humming along to one of the songs Ellie played for her the other day as she reaches her house. She glances to her left to check on the hole and jumps with fear.
“Jesus, you scared me,” Phoebe announces her presence and Joel turns from his hunched over position. It’s clear he’s in the middle of fixing her porch with the tools strewn about everywhere and the new wood laying next to his side. He’s wearing a coat with a flannel underneath with slightly dirty jeans and boots. It’s a simple outfit but it suits him.
“Sorry. Almost done,” Joel replies and Phoebe nods.
“I’ll be inside,” Is all she can think of and he nods back. A man of few words it seems.
Craving something warm, Phoebe begins making dinner. She’s sleepy so she goes for an old reliable. Pasta.
She clangs around in the kitchen for a few minutes, prepping the pot and the ingredients. She’s still a little surprised with how normal cooking in a kitchen feels to her. The last time she’d done that was over ten years ago. Right as Phoebe is draining the pasta water, a quiet knock raps on her.
“One second!” She yells towards the person she assumes is Joel. She places the pot down and wipes her hand on a towel. She throws the towel down and heads for the door.
“Looks like I’m done here. Porch shouldn’t cause you anymore trouble,” Joel begins talking as soon as the door is open. His hair has become a little messier since she’d first come home. It looks soft, like running your hands through it would solve all your problems.
“Oh, thanks,” Phoebe’s cheeks turn a light pink from her previous thought. She doesn’t know if Joel notices or not because he doesn’t say anything.
“Have ya…have ya been likin’ it here?” Joel strains himself to ask and grips onto the door frame with one of his hands.
“The house or Jackson?”
“Both, I guess.”
“The house has been great. Whoever worked on it did an amazing job. It felt like a home as soon as I stepped in.” Phoebe thinks she sees Joel’s cheeks turn slightly redder but she must’ve been imagining it because it was gone in a split second. “Jackson’s really impressed me. I didn't think I’d ever be a part of something so close to what life was like before the outbreak. I really feel like I’m becoming one of you guys.”
“That’s good. Glad you’re likin’ it. Wouldn’t want you to leave or nothin’,” He scratches the back of his neck. A silence falls over the two of them.
Joel looks at something past Phoebe’s head and Phoebe can’t stop looking at Joel’s eyes. Something about them pull her in. She thinks that’s why she says what she says next.
“I was actually about to eat dinner. It’s nothing crazy, just pasta. Would you want to come in and eat with me?” She expects him to immediately decline. He didn’t seem that fond of her. Maybe he’s just wary around new people. To her surprise, he accepts.
He fills the space with warmth and the scent of something earthy and woody as he stands in the entryway of her house. She didn’t realize how big he really is until he got closer to her. She’s not a tiny person by any means, especially not with all the weight she’s gained since arriving in Jackson, but Joel still stands over her with a good few inches. It causes her to take a step back.
“Okay, so I’m almost done with it. I just have to mix the sauce with the pasta and we should be good. Do you want anything to drink while you wait? I have water,” She talks as they walk through her house into the kitchen. He takes a seat at the kitchen table she recently received from Georgia.
“Water would be good,” Joel tells her quietly and she grabs a glass. She hands him the now full cup and her fingers accidentally brush against his. He pulls away like he got stung. She tries not to dwell on what that means.
Eventually the two of them sit across from each other with bowls of food in front of them. They don’t talk and Phoebe notices he has a scar on his temple. She wants to ask where it came from but holds herself back. It’s not like they were friends. They make it halfway through their meal when Joel speaks.
“You look good.” Phoebe blinks a few times to try and understand if he was complimenting her. He must see the look on her face and quickly adds, “Your bruises, I mean. And your cut. Almost all healed.”
“Oh. Yeah, I can barely see the bruises nowadays. Dr. Lee did say the cut would take longer to heal but I didn’t think it’d take this long,” Phoebe shakes her head and a few strands of hair fall from her bun.
“Ellie has a new CD she wants to show you,” He changes the subject suddenly and her eyebrows go up in surprise.
“I can’t wait to hear it. Who is the band?” She asks before picking up her fork and taking another bite of her food. Joel glances at the burn on her hand and grimaces. Self-conscious, she switches the fork to her other hand. She doesn’t really need to try and play it off because it looks like he’s gotten lost in his own thoughts. “Joel?”
“What?” He snaps back into reality and she almost laughs.
“The band?”
“Oh, I don’t know. All she told me was that “it was the angry girl music Phoebe likes”. Could be anyone,” He shrugs and his fork clatters in his bowl once he finishes eating.
“At least I know I’ll like it. It’s sweet she thinks of me.” Phoebe watches Joel bring his bowl to the sink. He’s faced away from her but she sees him turn on the faucet and grab the soap. “You don’t have to do that. I can clean later.”
He grunts in response and continues cleaning. Okay, then. She hurriedly finishes her own and joins him at the sink. He takes the bowl from her, making sure he doesn’t touch her.
The faucet squeaks as he turns it off. He doesn’t say anything and walks to the front door. She follows behind him to head out with him. When she steps out onto the porch with him, he turns to her with a confused look.
“I like to sit on the bench after dinner. People watch and stuff,” She explains, pointing to the swing behind her. He nods.
“Thank you for dinner. It was nice,” He tries to smile but he ends up looking like he wants to bolt from her porch as soon as possible. She must’ve not have been good company. She relieves him quickly.
“No problem. It’s nice cooking for someone else for a change. I’ll see you around?”
“See you around.”
He grabs his tools and shuffles down her steps. She watches him as far as she can before he turns a corner, presumably heading for his house.
—
The next day was Phoebe’s day off. She actually slept in a little. She took her time showering and drinking tea and finishing up the book she had started almost a month ago. She realizes she’s a little obsessed with one of the characters, Fitzwilliam Darcy. She laughs to herself realizing she has a tiny crush on a fictional man.
Ellie stops by after school and finally shows her the new music. It turns out it’s Avril Lavigne. They listen to the whole album twice.
“How are things going at school?” Phoebe asks as the song Complicated plays in the background.
“School is stupid and I hate it.”
“School is important, Els,” Phoebe looks down as Ellie stretches her legs out and her feet rest on her lap.
“I fuckin’ hate math. What the hell even is trigonometry?” She huffs and leans her head back and Phoebe laughs, loudly.
“I hated math too when I was in school. Had to have a tutor every year.”
“Exactly!” She shouts like somehow Phoebe’s answer was evidence enough that no one needed math.
“What about friends? I heard you got in trouble for hitting a boy,” Georgia is dating one of the teacher’s at the makeshift school and had filled in her about the fight and then, of course, Georgia told Phoebe.
“How the hell…”
“I have my ways. Now spill.”
“He was talking shit about Dina and she’s my friend. I’m not gonna let some little fucker talk about her that way,” She justifies and Phoebe considers her explanation before replying.
“Good.”
“Thank you! Joel was mad, though.”
“Of course he was. He’s supposed to be. That’s what parents do,” Phoebe backs him up and Ellie waves her off.
“Whatever,” She takes a look at her watch and sits up. “Shit, I gotta go. Told Joel we’d have dinner tonight.”
Ellie hugs Phoebe quickly and rushes out the door with her CD player. That girl was always in a rush to get to places and do things.
Phoebe also realizes she needs to head out soon too. She’d promised Georgia a few days ago to finally go to The Tipsy Bison. She didn’t really drink so she’s never had a reason to visit.
Since this is her first time, she decides to try and dress a little nicer than what she usually wears. Maria had given Phoebe a black midi length dress that had to be buttoned up and was a little thick to be able to withstand the weather. Once she changes she runs a brush through her hair and decides to leave it down. She stares at her reflection and tries to think of the last time she had her hair down. It was always in a ponytail or a bun or a braid to keep it out of her face. She kind of likes the way she looks at the moment.
Phoebe only semi regrets wearing the dress. The chilly weather causes her to shiver and she wraps her coat around herself tighter. She knows her face will be red from the wind.
“Phoebe!” Georgia’s voice rings out through the bar. Phoebe turns her head and spots her new friend sitting at the bar rather than a table. A grin creeps over her face.
“Hey there, southern belle.” She replies and Georgia playfully rolls her eyes.
“My accent isn’t that strong,” She giggles and Phoebe notices the empty glass in front of her. It seems she’s gotten a jump start to the night. Georgia orders Phoebe a beer from a man named Seth.
“How’s the boyfriend?” Phoebe asks and takes a sip from her beer. Her friend smiles and blushes.
“Liam is great. He was really excited today because of how much the kids got into the lesson. How’s life going on your end?”
“Fine. Keeping busy with the clinic. The craziest thing that’s happened to me is that I had a hole in my porch and Joel fixed it,” Phoebe shrugs and Georgia’s eyes widen.
“Joel Miller? I love Liam but goddamn, that is one fine man. Like I would have risked it all back in the day,” Her friend sighs dreamily and Phoebe raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you think he’s attractive?”
“Um, I guess. If one finds…his sort attractive…” She mutters and looks away.
“Wait a minute.”
“What?”
“Do you like him?”
“ What ? I am not in a position to be with anyone right now,” She shakes her head, not letting out the last part which is “I’m too fucked in the head for anyone to want me”.
“That’s not a no.”
“Georgia.”
“You have no idea what you just started.”
“Do not do anything. I’m being serious, Georgia,” Not knowing what else to say to the girl who has a devious look on her face, she throws back the rest of her beer. She asks Seth for a refill and he’s next to her in a second.
Luckily, Georgia gets distracted by Phoebe chugging her second beer too that she forgets what she was talking about. She moves onto other subjects like what horses she’s been training or how she swears her neighbor is purposefully shoveling snow into her yard. She listens intently. This thing called friendship is new to her and she doesn’t want to take it for granted. Georgia’s been insanely kind to her and she cherishes that.
Phoebe finishes her third beer and starts to feel a little hazy. She feels her muscles relax and Georgia’s face lights up.
“Hey, Tommy and Joel ,” Georgia not-so-subtley nudges Phoebe and she almost asks her why she did that when she registers what she said. She doesn’t want Georgia and Joel anywhere near each other right.
“Hey, Georgia. Phoebe. Didn’t take you for a drinker,” Tommy remarks, mostly towards Phoebe.
“I’m not.”
“I made her come out with me tonight. Girl needs to know how to loosen up. Joel, do you come here often?” She laughs at herself. “That sounded like a pick up line but I swear it wasn’t.”
Phoebe moves to look at Joel and he’s already looking at her. His outfit is pretty similar to the one she say the other day - a flannel and jeans. This time she notices how taut the fabric is against his biceps. She shifts in her seat. She thinks she see Joel’s gaze dip to her lips.
“No, I don’t. Got too much to do,” He grunts out and Tommy claps his hand down onto his brother’s shoulder.
“Brought him out to bribe him.”
“Beer usually fixes all problems.”
“He’s a whiskey guy,” Tommy retorts and calls Seth over.
Phoebe tries to slide off her seat covertly but ends up stumbling. Joel’s hands grab her and wrap around her waist. She looks up at him and sees his jaw clench.
“Sorry, I haven’t drank in years. I think the beer’s gotten to me more than I thought it did.” Joel is the first to pull away and the space feels empty. She excuses herself to the bathroom.
“Wait! I’ll come with you,” Tommy rushes to tag alongside her. She gives him a sideways look.
“I think I can handle going to the bathroom on my own,” She laughs and Tommy pushes her playfully.
“That’s not why I’m walking with you, fool. I need to ask you for something.” Phoebe doesn’t know what she could help with but nods anyway.
“Shoot.”
“I usually do my patrols with Joel but Maria is getting closer to her due date. I want to do more work in Jackson, at least until the baby comes. In case she needs me.”
“Okay…?”
“Which means Joel needs a new patrol partner.”
Phoebe stops in her tracks. She turns and sees Tommy looking nervous.
“I don’t think I can do that. I mean, I’m not even that good at using a gun.”
“Joel can train you.”
“Tommy…”
“Please, Phoebe. Joel refuses to work with Brett and he’s the only other person that would fit out on patrols. I know you like workin’ with Dr. Lee so you have to know I wouldn’t ask you unless it was desperate. Please,” Tommy begs and puts his hands on her shoulders. She doesn’t know if it’s the desperate look in his eye or the three beers but she concedes.
warnings: abusive relationship, blood, tlou outbreak, blood, men
summary: The feeling of blood on Phoebe's hands weren't foreign but the blood being her lovers? It makes her feel...free.
Although uneasy about how...perfect Jackson, Wyoming seems, she does her best to trust it and keep to herself. But, fate is a cruel mistress and Phoebe becomes all too familiar with her as she continually runs into Joel Miller, a quiet and perceptive man. She never thought she'd ever want the comfort of someone else until him.
It's too bad you reap what you sow, isn't it?
"Devil", you call me
But seem to be enjoying
The fruits of my labour that came to me too young
When he stole my virtue
I'm glad it seems to serve you
That I was born a daughter and not a son
For if I'm going down
I guess I'll take you with me
Screaming birds sound an awful lot like singing
And I will tell you now
That I'm not even singing
There's no escape for some
---
His blood splatters onto her face as she hits him one final time. She leans back, chest heaving, as she stares at what once was a handsome thing to look at. She watches as his blood spreads on the wood flooring, seeping in as deep as possible. Grunting, she shifts so she is no longer straddling him. The moon shines brightly through the window. She blinks repeatedly as the realization sinks into her.
Buttons. Scratches. Rage. Blood. Brother. Brother. Brother. His brother would be up soon. The whole camp would be. She flexes her fingers and they burn, her blood and his mixing together. She hastily buttons up her jeans and glances around the room. Her things. She needs her things.
She finds the emergency duffle under the bed. Food, water, a knife, a handgun. She throws a blanket and as much of her clothing into the bag as she can before pulling a long sleeved shirt over her tank top and pulling her winter coat onto herself tightly. She trips as she tugs her boots onto her feet, hands shaking and legs wobbly. She feels her breath quicken as she gives him one more look.
His face is unrecognizable but his brother would know. He would know who it was and he would know it was her that did it. She rushes towards the door and she briefly sees her reflection in the mirror. The deep gash on her forehead, the black eye already forming, the deep bruises forming around her throat, the cold look in her eyes. Is that her? Is this who she is now?
With little time to ponder, she yanks open the door and she's met with a cold winter wind. It was January, the coldest month in Wyoming. Snow covered the ground - it had been for weeks now. It crunches under her feet as she slinks off the porch and towards the woods. She knew where to go. Where the weak spots were. When shifts changed. When people came and went. It's not hard to slip through the cracks. Not when the men are cocky and egotistical and useless. Always useless.
The wind is nipping at her skin and causing her cuts to sting. She tries her best to ignore it as she reaches further and further into the forest. There's this feeling in her chest with every step she takes. Every second she gets farther away. She doesn't recognize it and she can't name it but it feels good. Even with the death on her hands, it feels good.
She fights through branches, and roots, and ice, and the fact that she knows she is not the only thing in these woods. That it isn't only man she should fear. The anxiety bubbles up but she pushes it away, not allowing it to seep into her bones like it's done before. She didn't need to be afraid of him anymore and the infected would be kinder than him. Anything is kinder than him.
She feels her hair slipping out of her ponytail the more she runs. Her legs are burning but she never waivers, not for a moment. Not until she can barely see straight and the sun is rising. She doesn't know how long she's been running but it doesn't feel long - or far - enough. But she's sensible. She has to be. She won't make it if she's not. That is the only reason she stops and leans against a big rock. The only reason she takes a moment and looks at her surroundings.
She can't see camp anymore. Good sign. She has no fucking idea where she is. Bad sign.
Too scared to start a fire, she focused on her injuries instead. The blood has dried on the side of her head, her eye is throbbing, her fingers have gone numb, and it hurts every time she takes a deep breath. Could be better but most definitely could be worse. The phantom pain of her hand reminds her of that.
She let herself sit and sigh. She pulls some jerky out of the duffle bag. She only takes a couple of bites before shoving it back in. She takes a few sips of water before doing the same. She doesn't know the next time she'll find people - if she even wants to. Maybe being alone would be best. No one to hurt her or bother her or trick her.
She listens to the birds chirp and the sky becomes a beautiful color as dawn approaches. She needs to get back on her feet and get at least two days between her and them but this is the first dawn she's gotten to herself in seven years. It is the first thing that belongs to her. The sun shines, not willing to hide to its winter foe. Its bravery clear and here to stay.
She huffs, climbing to her feet and looking around. With no clear destination, she grabs her duffle and continues the way she was going: straight. You could laugh at the simpleness of it, knowing how convoluted and confusing and hard the last twenty years have been. How not simple it has been.
She can feel how shitty and old the boots on her feet are on the second day of this treacherous journey. The snow has finally seeped in and her feet feel soaked and numb after hours of traipsing around. The evening has come and the night engulfs her as she spots a cabin. The first sign of shelter she's seen. Sleeping under a tree which had no snow but was definitely sopping wet wasn't exactly ideal. Remembering that a cabin may mean people, she pulls out her gun. Luckily, she hasn't had to shoot anything...yet.
She approaches the cabin quietly. The porch croaks with the first step she takes and she cringes, freezing. Nothing happens. No bullets grazing past her or people yelling. Good sign.
She looks through the dirty and foggy windows but doesn't see anyone. There is no back door so she twists the handle of the front and it creaks as it opens. Stupidly, she speaks.
"Hello?" She calls out and watches where she walks cautiously. Nothing. She gives the cabin a run-down. Nothing in the living room, kitchen, or bathroom except for dust and the cold. The last room is the bedroom but she doesn't hear anything. She twists the door knob and pushes against the door, causing it to open. Nothing jumps out or shoots at her. She sighs, seeing a bed. She takes one step into the bedroom before a painful shrill hits her ears.
She feels her back hit the floor as an infected pins her to the floor. Before she can take a chance to process what's happening, the infected is diving for her neck. She pushes back with all the strength a person can have with two days of exhaustion. She sees her gun across the floor, out of reach. She tries for the knife that's in her pocket. She slipped, letting the infected fall closer to her. She feels herself grow sweaty and her heart races.
She tries for the knife once more and she feels the familiar wood handle against her fingers. She pulls it out swiftly and feels the knife sink into the infected's neck. It goes limp, laying on top of her. She squeezes her eyes shut, trying to catch her breath. Fuck.
She pushes the infected off and it lands with a thud next to her. She stares at the ceiling as she tries to reel herself back in. It wasn't the first infected she'd ever killed but it's been a damn long time since she's had to.
She believes it is only minutes that passed, but it could have been hours before her shaky hands fall to the hardwood floor and they push her up. Her jeans are covered in dirt and mud with a slit on the knee, her coat has a rip on the side, and her long sleeve shirt has a slit across the stomach showing her tank top.
She drags the infected's body outside of the house. She drops its legs and takes a moment to catch her breath. She thinks she can stay here for the night and keep going in the morning. She hasn't seen any sign that she's being followed but she can never be too sure.
She's able to start a fire in the fireplace and the room is alight with a soft glow. She sits on the raggedy couch, welcoming the slightly comfortable cushions. She stares at the flames, watching them act unpredictable. She blinks slowly. Her body starts to relax.
"I can't believe you're drunk! You know we have to leave early in the morning, right? Or did that slip your mind? I mean, you said we could look for my brother-"
"I fucking know we're leaving early tomorrow, Phoebe. Can you giving me a fucking second?" He snaps at me, sitting on the bed. He starts to untie his boots and she clenches her jaw.
"Don't curse at me." She replies, pointing a finger in his direction. He scoffs.
"I'll do whatever the hell I want, girl." He stands up again and walks towards her. She backs up a little but that doesn't stop him from stomping over to her. She can see anger in his eyes and his fist is curls.
"You better stay over there. I'm being serious. You've been putting off looking for Parker for weeks and I'm sick of it. I mean, what is your problem? Are you so far up Milo's-"
She feels the sting before she realizes she's on the floor. Her fingers lightly touch her cheek and she flinches. She looks up at him in shock.
"You're not gonna fucking talk to me that way, you hear me? I'm the only reason you're alive you fuckin' bitch. Start acting fuckin' grateful," He shouts at her with his teeth bare. She felt spit hit her face and her jaw drops. He's never done this before. Never hit her. Never-
Her eyes shoot open and she feels breathless. She looks around the dark room, confused before remembering that she reached a cabin a few hours ago. That she ran two days ago. That she killed him two days ago. She brings her fingers up to her cheek, feeling the ghost of that first sting.
The fire has almost completely gone out since she fell asleep. She looks out the window and it's still dark. Her body aches as she swings her legs over the couch and leans forward, resting her arms on her legs. Her breathing starts to slow. She runs her hand through her hair and it gets stuck on a knot.
After sitting on the couch for about an hour, she realizes she's not going to go back to sleep. Not with him in the back of her mind. She eats some of the jerky, her food supply quickly dwindling. She heaves the bag onto her shoulder again and heads towards the door. Better to get some more distance anyway, she thinks.
Snow must have fallen while she was out because her tracks from before are gone. A small win. A puff of white fills the air as she breathes heavily.
The sun has fully risen, making the snow almost blinding as she weaves around trees that are in her way. She thinks she's been walking for about seven or eight hours just based on where the sun is at in the sky, but it feels a lot fucking longer. She wonders if Milo has given up looking for her. Or maybe he sent Marla out to do his dirty work. Or Foster. None of them really ever liked her, no matter what she did to try and get their approval.
She trips over a snow covered root, lost in her thoughts. She puts her hands out before she faceplants. Her hands feel something close to a burn from being sunken into the layers of snow. She looks up and she's faced with a tree that has some sort of symbol carved into it. Her eyebrows furrow.
She dusts the snow off of her as she collects herself. She traces the symbol, not recognizing it. The bark feels rough under the pads of her fingers. She hums quietly in response. Maybe it means people are close. She needs to keep an eye out for more.
The day passes by slower than the day before. Maybe it's her lack of energy or the cold that has her eyelids drooping and her hand slowly falling from her knife to her side.
Phoebe stumbles upon a stream of water after two hours of walking. She hasn't seen another symbol on a tree in the past hour and she felt a tiny sense of peace. She drops to her knees, only asking for a momentary break. She realizes just how tense she'd been walking. Her body is still aching and it hurts her a little to reposition herself.
Not used to having to check every corner for infected leaves Phoebe feeling a little defeated. Having no direction or idea of what to do doesn't help either. A headache starts to form near her temple. Her breathing starts to get a little shaky as she really takes in her situation. No one is around. No one is going to help her. She's vulnerable to raiders and infected with such a limited bullet supply. She has no shelter and almost no food.
Phoebe closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Her agonizing screams echo in her head as she flexes her right hand. The burn scars cover almost her entire hand and ends right where her wrist begins. The weeks of anguish and fear ironically start to calm her, knowing he would never hurt her again. She'd never let Milo take her back and suffer the consequences of her actions, no matter how justified they were.
"You know what I mean, Joel. Maria is gettin' closer to her due date and I can't be out on these three day patrols while she could be giving birth at any moment," An unfamiliar southern drawl fills Phoebe's ears. Her eyes widen and she glances all around her, searching for the voice.
"Fine. But I'm not partnerin' up with Brett. Kid is too trigger happy," Another, deeper, voice rings out. Phoebe scrambles to her feet and tries kicking snow over her tracks. She runs behind the closest, biggest tree she can find. Not the best spot but anything is better than sitting in the middle of an open area.
The sound of horse hooves in snow comes closer and closer to her and she holds her breath. Phoebe's burned hand grips at the bark on the tree and her other hand covers her mouth.
She knows there's at least two of them so she doubts she could take them down. She'd have to be patient and wait for them to leave, assuming they don't find her in the most obvious fucking hiding spot ever.
"Are those footprints?" The man with the deeper voice asks. She can't hear what the other man says but she can take a guess when she no longer hears hooves stomping. She still hears the crunch of snow, signalling that the men were investigating.
"I can't tell where the person ran off to, only where they came from," The original voice remarks and the other grunts.
"At least it's only one person. Can't be too much of a problem."
Phoebe moves slightly and she can see parts of the men. One with dark brown hair with grey specks and the other with black hair. Both very big and could definitely knock her on her ass. She goes back to hiding.
"Let's just keep moving. We'll probably run into 'em. Ain't much anywhere else to go in this weather."
"I don't like this, Tommy."
"We need to get to the checkpoint."
"...Fine."
Phoebe thanks whatever God is out there when she eventually hears the trotting grow distant. She lets out a breath of relief. She comes to the decision to get the fuck out of the area and head in the opposite direction of the hooved prints. Like hell was she going to be trapped like an animal again.
wind and water six | do i wanna know? sung by hozier
pairing: joel miller x original female character
warnings: alcohol, drunkness, yearning like no other
Have you got colour in your cheeks?
Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift
The type that sticks around like summat in your teeth?
Are there some aces up your sleeve?
Have you no idea that you're in deep?
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week
How many secrets can you keep?
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat
Until I fall asleep
“Ellie, we just listened to the entirety of a third album. It’s midnight. I need to go home.”
“Sleep over.”
“I’m old, kid. I’m not sleeping on the floor just to get a hurt back in the morning.”
“You’re in your thirties. You’re not old.”
“I’m not ‘in my thirties’. I’m thirty-eight. Almost thirty-nine. I’m at the end.”
“Pft, whatever grandma. Get out of here before you break a hip.”
Phoebe and Ellie grin at each other. Both start laughing. Phoebe grabs a pillow off the bed and throws it at her bothersome pal. Ellie flips her off.
“Don’t forget to take care of that arm.”
“It’s been three weeks!”
“And yet I still had to come over today to help you with the pain because you knocked it into the wall.”
“‘And yet I still-’”
“Goodbye child!” Phoebe shouts and shuts the door behind her. Ellie faintly yells something about being almost being fifteen. She laughs a little to herself as she heads for the sidewalk. She notices a light on in Joel’s house. He’s leaning over something away from her. She picks up a pebble and throws it at his window. He jumps and turns around. She waves. He’s wearing glasses and her stomach does a flip.
Joel comes over and opens the window. He sticks his head out and Phoebe gets closer to him.
“You know it’s midnight, right?” He asks and rests his arm on the windowsill.
“I do. The chaos in your garage in the shape of a human does not.” Phoebe shrugs. Joel rolls his eyes.
“She’ll be grumpy in the morning when I wake her up for school.”
“That’s Ellie for you.”
“Yeah…it is.” Joel changes the weight from one leg to another. “Do you want to come in? For, I don’t know, a drink or something?”
She can see the hope in his eyes. She thinks he must not invite people into his house often. She so badly wants to say yes.
“I have the clinic in the morning. Rain check?”
Joel clears his throat and straightens his stance.
“Rain check, yeah.”
“Bye, Joel.”
“Bye, Phoebe.”
The snow has almost entirely melted. Phoebe walks down the street in a long sleeved shirt and no jacket. There are no street lights but a few string lights illuminate the area. She takes a chance to look at her hand. She studies the red skin and rough lines. She traces the scar on her forehead with the same hand.
She thinks back to three months ago. How she almost died. How she’s still scared Milo will find her. How cruel and gruesome her death would be if he did. But, she also thinks about how she had every right to murder that man. After the years he stole and the pain he produced. After leaving her with no hope of finding her brother. She clenches her burned hand in a fist.
Phoebe lays awake in bed. She stares at the ceiling with clasped hands. She can’t bring herself to close her eyes and sleep. Her blink is spare and her eyes become dry. She isn’t sure when the stars became sunlight. Light creeps in an unsuspecting way.
She hears a knock on her front door. Her eyes finally cease whatever battle they are having and her lids flutter.
Standing on the other side of her door is Georgia with coffee and a muffin. Phoebe lets her in and Georgia jumps into rambling.
“The coffee is from my house but the muffin is from the kitchen and I even had them warm it for you even though they kind were rude about it but I said it was for you and they changed their mind which is good because I-”
“Georgia,” Phoebe laughs, “What is going on?”
The two of them sit at her table. Phoebe splits the muffin and hands half to Georgia. Her friend gives her a thankful smile.
“I’m going to say something kind of crazy and I'm hoping you’ll say yes.”
Phoebe frowns with weariness.
“Go on…”
“Liam asked me to ask you to go on a double date with us and Brett,” Georgia squeaks out and shuts her eyes and leans away.
“What?” Phoebe laughs, again, and bites into the muffin. Washes it down with coffee. “I didn’t even know double dates were still done in this new life.”
“I’m glad you didn’t hit me for saying that. You’re kind of scary,” Georgia lets out a breath of relief.
“I’m scary?”
“Was scary. You came into Jackson looking like you just killed an entire town with only a few scrapes on you. Most people were terrified of you when you arrived.”
Phoebe did not know this. She tilts her head a little.
“You also do that. It freaks people out.”
“I do what?”
“Tilt your head. It looks like you're plotting out a person’s death.”
“I’ll try to stop doing that,” Phoebe leans against her chair and crosses her arms.
“Don’t. It’s so…you,” Georgia replies and takes the first bite of her muffin. “Back to the double date! Will you do it?”
“I’m afraid not. I’m not looking for someone to date right now.”
“Come on, Phoebe! Brett really likes you.”
“How does he even know me?”
“You checked out an accidental knife cut from training last week.”
“I do not remember that.”
“But he does! He’s half in love with you already. Pleaseee? For me?” Georgia begs and juts out her bottom lip. Her big brown eyes turn into puppy eyes. Phoebe rolls her eyes.
“Fine, but you’re lucky I love you.”
Georgia hugs Phoebe, awkwardly, over the table. The women spend the rest of their morning together talking about soaps, candles, and horses. About Liam and how patrol is going and how Ellie is a spitfire in class. How Joel has been looking different lately but Phoebe is quick to change the subject that time. Georgia leaves Phoebe with a new scented soap and the plan to meet at The Tipsy Bison this evening.
Phoebe gets ready for her shift at the clinic right as Georgia leaves. It only takes her about ten minutes before she’s out the door.
Her shift at the clinic becomes semi exciting. No major injuries, thankfully, but Denise tells Phoebe she thinks she’s ready to start learning more advanced healing practices. She hands her some notes about lacerations, burns, and serious infections.
Denise had commended Phoebe when she took care of Ellie but still told her she wasn’t ready for that kind of intensive care. Phoebe agreed considering the only reason she knew anything about burns was because of her own.
This probably would be considered a promotion before the outbreak. It fills Phoebe with some satisfaction. The rest of her time at the clinic is spent reading and asking Denise endless questions.
The sun hasn’t begun setting when Denise lets Phoebe off work. She’s thankful to have time to kill before going out tonight. Her walk home can be looked at as more of a run. She has things she wants to do before tonight.
Phoebe pulls out the yarn and makeshift needles from the coffee table in her living room. She stifles a yawn and sits on the couch. The mix of colors she has in front of her presents a challenge for her. She doesn’t know if she’s ever made an article of clothing before, and if she has it would have only been one color. But this is just a hat. Can’t be too hard, right?
Wrong. She restarts the hat three times. Has a mini mental breakdown the second time. Drinks lots of tea. Contemplates the point of life halfway through the third time. Lays on her couch for a good while. She groans, stretches, and hears her shoulder pop.
“Goddamn fucking bullshit little fucking stupid hat fucking stupid present don’t even know why I’m…” She huffs and kicks at the yarn. It rolls onto the floor and under the couch.
She sits up and crosses her legs. She decides to give up on the hat. She’d already spent three hours on it.
She figures she should continue to torture herself and get ready for the double date.
Her shower won’t get hot enough, her hair is full of knots, and her favorite jeans are dirty. She pulls her hair back into a bun before she flips out and cancels the whole thing. Eventually, she lands on a grey long sleeve shirt and too tight jeans. A bit of her stomach shows but she can’t bring herself to care. She yanks her boots on and pulls back the strands of hair that have already fallen from her updo.
If this is foreshadowing, she is not going to have a good night.
Phoebe arrives at the bar right as her friends - and Brett - are being served beer. Georgia spots her at the entrance and holds up a full beer meant for Phoebe. A smile spreads across her face.
“Brett! I wanted to formally introduce you to Phoebe,” Georgia nods from the man to her friend. Liam waves. Actually seeing Brett’s face brings back a faint memory of blood and crying to Phoebe.
“Phoebe, hey! Good to see you again,” Brett brings her in for a hug and she tenses. She doesn’t hug back. Brett doesn’t seem to notice due to the smile he still has when he pulls away.
“Hey,” She replies and drinks half her beer in a few big gulps. Georgia elbows her lightly.
Phoebe takes the bar stool next to Brett. Georgia winks and turns to Liam.
“How’s your injury?” Phoebe asks but not really remembering where he got stabbed. Brett lifts up his shirt and she sees abs and a bandage. Her jaw drops in surprise.
“It’s lookin’ good. Dr. Lee checked on it today. Must’ve been when you already left or I woulda said hi.”
She downs the rest of her drink and calls over Seth for another one. He refills it while Brett continues to blab about the incident. He continues to hold his shirt up.
“Usually, I don’t get hurt. I’m actually really good at fighting. And I’m strong. But Tara was the one in charge of training that day and she’s a real fighter. I think she used to be a firefly or something. She has these really pretty blue eyes. Reminds me of the sky. Not that your eyes aren’t pretty! Brown is a good color. Reminds me of…mud.”
Phoebe tries to hold herself back. She fails and throws her head back, laughing loudly. Brett’s face turns bright red and he chuckles awkwardly. Phoebe has to catch her breath before she can say anything.
“Thank…thank you for saying my eyes remind you of mud. Truly. Best compliment I’ve ever received.” Phoebe’s eyes have a glint of humor in them.
“Are you being sarcastic?”
“Noooo, definitely not.” Phoebe exaggerates her words and drinks some beer. Brett seems to catch on but unexpectedly changes the subject when he sees something behind her.
“Georgia was telling me you went on patrol with Joel Miller. How the hell was that? Man is like a brick wall.”
Phoebe feels like she could get whiplash from the change in his tone. It’s more serious now.
“He’s fine. Takes it seriously like everyone should.”
“Right right right…he doesn’t seem to like me very much.”
“I don’t think that’s true.” She leaves out the part about when she first heard Joel talking in the woods - about how he specifically did not want to work with Brett.
“Tell that to his face,” Brett nods towards the other end of the bar. She looks over her shoulder and finds Joel sitting alone with whiskey in hand. His eyes are narrowed and his jaw is tight. She turns back to Brett.
“That’s just…his face?” She doesn’t know why Joel dislikes Brett but she does feel bad for the guy. He isn’t outwardly rude. Just oblivious. And kind of dumb, in a sweet way.
“Right.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Phoebe finishes her second drink. The sun is gone and night has engulfed the area. Light from lamps and candles fill the room and casts a warm glow. Seth refills the glass before she can ask. Thanks him quietly.
“Tell me more about this Tara girl,” Phoebe does her best to distract him. It seems to work.
While Brett dives into what Tara does during her training, Phoebe can’t help but feel like someone is watching her. She can feel someone’s stare burning into her back. She can’t help herself. She looks back.
Joel is watching them still. He has a death-like grip on his empty glass. She does her best to refocus on Brett. She crosses and uncrosses her legs. Leans against the bar but then straightens her back. Twirls a piece of hair.
The two of them talk - well, Brett talks - for another thirty minutes. He seems to have forgotten Phoebe was making fun of him originally. Georgia and Liam said goodbye about fifteen minutes prior. Georgia squeezed Phoebe’s arm on the way out. She could have strangled her.
“So I told the guy I wasn’t going to buy that particular shirt and I wanted the green one-”
“Brett.”
“Yeah?”
“This has been great. Really. An amazing time. But I have work in the morning so I should probably get going.”
Brett’s face falls. He recuperates quickly. He downs his drink and jumps off his stool. He knocks into Phoebe and she instinctively puts her arms out to steady him.
“How many drinks have you had?” Phoebe scoffs a little. Brett looks embarrassed.
“I was nervous so I may have had a couple of drinks before you got here,” He admits and runs a hand through his hair. Of course he did.
“Let’s get you home, bud.” Phoebe puts his arm over her shoulders. He leans against her as they walk to the exit.
“No, let’s get you home. You’re a lady and I’m a gentleman. I have to defend your honor.”
“While you're drunk out of your mind?”
“Slightly out of my mind.”
“Is everything okay over here?” Joel startles Phoebe and she stumbles back a little. Brett goes with her and she has to catch his weight.
“Yeah, just getting good ol’ Brett home.”
“I’m getting you home!” Brett exclaims. A few people look over at them. Phoebe’s face has a tinge of red.
“Let me help.” Joel doesn’t wait for a response before he throws Brett’s other arm over his shoulders.
“You don’t have to do this.”
“I know.”
All three of them head towards where they think Brett lives. He wasn’t exactly clear on his directions. All he told them was that it was “next to Tara’s pretty blue house, like her eyes.”.
He continues to ramble and fill the silence on the five minute walk. Phoebe keeps her eyes on the path so she doesn’t trip and end up with two large men on top of her.
It turns out his house is four doors down from Tara’s house. So, not next door. Phoebe and Joel get him on his bed and take his shoes off. Phoebe reminds him to lay on his side so he doesn’t choke on his own vomit.
A gust of cool air hits Phoebe as they reach the outdoors. She shivers and rubs her arms with her hands. Joel takes off his jacket and offers it to her. She takes it. It’s bigger on her, reaching her upper thighs, and it’s soft.
“Thank you,” Phoebe throws her arms up to specify she means the jacket. He nods and each the end of Brett’s road. Their houses are in opposite directions. “Well…guess I’ll be seeing you.”
“Phoebe, I’m walking you home.” He doesn’t say it in a condescending way but like it is what was always going to happen. Like it’s what he does when it concerns her.
“Okay, then.”
Phoebe and Joel wait until they’re half to her house before talking. Phoebe does a side glance and stuffs her hands in the jacket pockets.
“You scare Brett shitless.”
Joel looks at Phoebe. She can’t tell what he’s thinking due to the darkness. He faces back to the way they’re walking.
“Not my problem.”
“Why don’t you like him?”
“Why do you care that I don’t like him?”
“I don’t. Just wondering.”
He hums in response but doesn’t give her an answer. She bumps his shoulder.
“He’s immature and careless. He doesn't understand the responsibility it takes to protect the people of Jackson. I don’t know how he’s gotten this far.”
“I could see that, yeah.”
“You’re not going to see him again?” Joel queries and Phoebe tilts her head.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“Just wondering.”
When the duo reaches her home, she steps over a slowly growing mud puddle. She turns slightly to tell Joel to watch it.
“Oh, watch out for-”
Joel slips and crashes into Phoebe. They fall back and land in half the muddle puddle. The water splatters and Phoebe feels some of it land on her face. She groans and looks down at Joel. His head landed on her chest.
“Damn, old man. You’re heavy,” Phoebe huffs out. Joel looks up at her.
“Who’re you calling old?” He grunts and pulls himself up a little to hover over her.
Phoebe, honest to God, giggles. She looks up at him. One of his curls has fallen in front of his forehead. It might be the alcohol or it might be the way Joel is looking at her right now - like she holds the answers to the world - but she can’t stop herself from thinking about how beautiful he is. She bites her lip. His breath hitches. She almost closes her eyes. She almost pulls him down on top of her. But she doesn’t.
“At least the rest of my body matches my eyes.”
“What?” Joel’s brows knit together.
“Nothing. It’s nothing. Get off me before you suffocate me.” She pats his shoulders. He awkwardly stands to his feet. He holds out his hand for her to take. She wraps her hand in his. She can’t help but think they fit together well.
Half of her hair was out of the bun and in muddy clumps. Her back is covered and she tries to shake some of it off but fails. Her jeans feel stuck to her.
“I’ll get this cleaned and back to you as soon as possible.” She peels the jacket off of her. She catches his eyes looking at her legs for a split second.
“No rush,” He clears his throat. He stays in his spot. She opens her front door. Holds onto the door knob as she looks back at him.
