I don't sleep that night. I wish I could. But I don't. Out of choice.
I have things I need to do.
***
I probably spend even more time than Clearsight does in her office. I mean, she wouldn't know that, of course. But whenever I can't sleep--which is a lot of the time--I go in here. Light a couple lanterns with quick bursts of fire, and sit down. Sometimes, I'll just play around with little ideas for spells. Sometimes I'll get to work on stuff Queen Vigilance has told me I have to do.
Sometimes I can't do any of that. Sometimes, my head just fires around empty thoughts that only half make sense, for hours on end. Thoughts I don't even know how to prevent.
That's why these days, I just stop trying to sleep altogether. I have a spell that helps with getting tired. It's easier, if I just assume staying up all night is inevitable. Then the dark thoughts usually stay away. Far away. Almost all the way back where they came from.
Darkstalker... I think she's going to be an animus. Clearsight's voice echoes through my head.
But how can that be a bad thing? I mean, it's not a bad thing. I refuse to let that be a bad thing. She's my daughter. And I'll love her, no matter what. I'll protect her. I'll teach her how to use her power, and how to preserve her soul, and--
I close my eyes. Maybe I'm not Clearsight, but I am a seer, and a more powerful one than most dragons with this gift are.
I furrow my brow, trying to trace the paths as they unfold in my mind—three months, five months, six months. Seven months from now. Around the time our dragonet is likely to hatch, although it does vary a little.
She looks more like me than Clearsight, I think. Midnight black scales, just like mine, but she has Clearsight's jawline. A wolfish smile, and eyes that glitter whenever she gets excited. A temper, and an argumentative nature. Impulsive and adventurous. Going to fly in storms with me on rainy days. And the blue IceWing eyes, like little pieces of Arctic staring back at me. Straight through time.
No. It's just a stupid eye colour. It doesn't mean anything. It's fine.
She is definitely an animus, Clearsight was right. Sometimes, she finds out from yelling at an inanimate object to do her bidding as a small dragonet who doesn't know better. Sometimes we tell her. Sometimes, she asks if she has my power, and Clearsight has no choice but to tell her yes.
I try to push a little farther--more than a couple years ahead. I need more details than this.
But it's like ramming my head against a stone wall or something. I can see the edges of darkness, this thing Clearsight is talking about, maybe. But no matter how hard I try, I can't... quite...
I rub my temples, growling under my breath. There's probably a spell I could use to work this out, isn't there?
That won't be her. That won't happen. I'll make it stop, I will. I'm her father. Clearsight is her mother. We're the most powerful dragons in the world.
I try to shake the uneasy feeling in my gut.
We'll figure this out.
***
I don't know what gets into me, that night. But for the first time in a long time--in months--I cry. I mean, Clearsight cries all the time, but this is different.
Not sad. Not happy.
They're the kind of tears I don't even know how to describe. The kind that... I don't even want to think about.
***
Clearsight doesn't seem nervous, for the first time... in a while, when she stumbles down the hallway, raising her eyebrows at the fancy breakfast I made.
"Oh..."
I grin. "I was awake anyway, so I thought I might as well do something productive."
"Oh, this is so sweet." She nuzzles my neck with her snout. "Thank you, Darkstalker."
"No problem." I grin. "And happy first day of being married to you too, by the way."
Clearsight laughs. "When is Fathom supposed to be coming over?"
I made a secret tunnel, in our backyard, that if you follow it down for around five minutes or so, will emerge onto Fathom's island, even though Fathom's island is pretty much on the other side of the world. It works both ways--so although Fathom rarely comes to visit, since it always comes with the risk of being seen--he can technically pop up in our backyard at any time he pleases.
"Couple hours. I think."
"I'm... have you thought? About? Shadowhunter?" Clearsight sips anxiously at the cup of coffee I set out for her. (No milk, no sugar. Just like she likes it.)
"I have," I say, carefully.
"I know we have the next couple days off, but... I'm just worried. Is all. About what will happen when we get back."
"What do you mean?"
"Queen Vigilance is going to ask if she's an animus--I mean, along with a lot of other questions, obviously. And we're going to have to lie."
"Wouldn't be the first time." I roll my eyes.
"Don't you get it, Darkstalker?"
"What do you mean?" I furrow my brow.
"Our child is going to have to grow up this way. Her power being a secret. Maybe for her whole life, if Queen Vigilance kills off one more of her daughters, I swear--"
"It can't be that bad..."
"Well, no. A couple other dragons know. But no one else ever can. If we do this right, anyway. If it gets out, and Queen Vigilance is still on the throne, it--I don't--I don't want to think about that." She sighs, setting down the coffee. Buries her face in her talons.
"We'll just tell her a lie, and take it from there," I try to reassure her. "Just... focus on now. Something might change, anyhow. Maybe Princess Star will challenge her mother--you said a while ago that was possible, right?"
"Yeah. And her chances of success are pretty low. And after that, there are only two more princesses left. Neither of which are particularly ambitious; their mother did a good job of instilling that into them. And if she doesn't win, it's likely to make the queen so ambitious that we're basically expected to spend every waking hour pandering to her paranoia." She rubs her forehead.
"There has to be another solution! There has to be..."
"Well, tell me if you've got any ideas. I haven't been able to think of anything yet, " Clearsight says ruefully.
"She's going insane, " I mutter.
"I don't want this to be the world our children will grow up in. I don't even want this to be the world I live in," Clearsight says.
"I know."
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