I am still waiting here. I have been sitting in this place where you left me and the memories of the day when we parted ways still linger in my mind.I still remember the way you gently held my hand that September night. Every touch is a promise, every whisper is a star that I tried to catch, every kiss is a sign of forever. I can still remember the serene look of your face and the way you look at my eyes as if you do not have any plans of looking at anything anymore. I could still remember every single word that escaped from your mouth. I could still remember the symphony of your voice as you carefully let them out. You told me you are not going anywhere. You told me you would be back. You told me it wouldn't be long before we would be together again. And from that nigh on, I cling on to those words as if it would hold my dear life. I was sure you would not let me waiting for so long in the cold. I was sure that it would not take long before I could finally feel your hands in mine. But days have passed and I am still sitting here, still not seeing any trace of you. Where are you my love? Have you forgotten about me?
One hundred twenty one sunrise and one hundred twenty two sunset had passed by and you’re still not here, my love. Have you lost your way home? Have you forgotten the promises we had made under the cerulean blue sky that day? Had the stars where we used to whisper our wishes of future together had became a falling star, that it had burnt with it those wishes we made? The tulips and lilies that we planted together in our garden had long withered as my sliver hope of you coming back is slowly wilting. Have i told you i have given up my coffee and settle for shots of vodka just to make me feel numb in the dusk? I was hoping the next morning I’d woke you’ll be standing in my bedroom door, offering my a honeyed water while scolding me from being drunk. The journal where we used to write together are now filled with verses of melancholia I have written sometime at dawn when I woke up missing you again. for months I am convincing myself that you are coming home, that I am your home but still no words came from you. Should I still wait for you? or must I try to write a new chapter of my book? Your words are echoing in my ears whenever they played our song, where are you?
And I have watched the flowers bloom when spring came. It should have been nicer if we can marvel at their beauty at the same time as we lie on the grassy ground on the park. The butterflies were dancing so gracefully above them but the ones you have given me have died since your footprints created an aisle away from me. I heard the rhythm of the waves as they crash through the shore when summer came. The sun always greets me with a smile but I can’t return the gesture, not at all. I should have been holding your hand as we walk along the beach while watching the sun meets the horizon. I am sure you’ll love the color of the sky to where I am right now but then you chose to gaze at it on the other side of the world. When autumn came, I was falling apart as the leaves detach themselves completely from the tree where they once belong with. I should have been taking photographs of them with you as you tell me there is beauty even if they are dying. But right now everything is dull and lifeless in my eyes. I can’t even look at them without my heart aching to be with you. As winter came, my whole being was already frozen. And as the snow falls endlessly on my pavements, I keep on thinking on how much my hands feel so numb without you touching it. December nights should be full of colors and lights so I guess I lost my sight when I lost you. Seasons have changed but not my love for you. Where are you my love? I am dying without you here. You might not find me when you don’t come around soon.
I planted a new set of tulips and lilies the next spring when I heard you're coming back to town. I was filled with so much happiness I’m afraid my heart would burst, knowing you had found your home,that your coming home to me. My mornings are now filled with coffees, toast and pancakes, our kitchens banging music, those one we used to dance to. The blanket of gloom and despair where I have wrapped myself while waiting for your return had been set aside. every morning I woke up greeted by the faint ray of the sunlight, this time I could smile back at it. See, I still wore the smile you had given me before you left.But as sudden as I held my old self back,someone had turned off the switch. Somebody blows my candle of hope, and I've heard the news--you’re not coming home alone, you’re with a family of your own, your new home.
There was a fountain of denial that was bursting from my insides the moment I heard those phrases. It can not be! There must be something wrong! You promised, my love, you promised me that it would not take long. You promised me that we would finally make our dreams come true the moment you take a step back to my door. You promised me that we would never be apart anymore. But why my love? Why did you build another home that is not me? Why did you sleep in another woman's bed while I was tracing the empty space in mine every single night? Have you forgotten the promises you made that night? Have you forgotten about me? I could feel my insides crumbling down and I could not do anything about it. Looking at you is like stabbing myself with a dagger. How could you just do this to me, my love? How could you just throw everything that we have worked for? I guess I was never good enough for you. I guess that there is no point in waking up every morning when I know that you have left me completely. Don't worry my love, I'll be leaving tonight.
I carefully pick up a container from the medicine cabinet. It has been laying there but tonight, I believe it will help me through this. I tried to swallow one, and then five but it seems like it doesn't have any power over me. Twentieth pill and there’s still no effect, all my life I’ve waited for everything. For my father’s arrival, for you coming home and now, I still have to wait for this drug to take its effect and take me somewhere away from these memories that puts me to doom. Every piece of me trembles and aches, I could feel the pain of betrayal and the pain of my own heart breaking slowly and my being crumbling and my flesh rotting into despair and anger. I couldnt take it any longer. Thirtieth, thirty fifth, forty second, yet, I’m still alive. I’m drowning with my own tears. I'm choking with your promises that were never brought to life. How could you? I wished I could just replace you as easy as you could. I couldn’t take this any much longer. my demons are churning on my inside, they want me alive but I am already dead and as I walked through my study room. I found it, my only salvation. I could fee the coldness of its edge, soon I would be as cold as is.
And as my heart was wrapped in numbness, my mind was filled with only one thought-- you. All of your memories kept crashing through my mind. Maybe this is how hell feels like. But then I still love you, this heart still beats for you. The pain is slowly taking its flight away from my insides but I could still see the sight of your face.
I will just be here chasing through the love that we weren't able to share. Maybe, if you come here, we'll make it for real.
Where are you my love? It's still you. I am just waiting here.
