This must be wintermission
I’ve now taken a week off of running, and the previous week I drastically cut back to less than 40 miles. I feel at odds about this, because I’m pretty sure that I’m in peak marathon fitness right now...if not right now, then in another month.
But if I take another week off then it’s all over, as this is the most critical time of training during the whole build. That may be ok, as I had a huge realization when I dropped out of a race last weekend.
The race was a 30k, and was supposed to be my big marathon dress rehearsal. 5k in and I felt fatigued, really fatigued, in my mind. I’m sure the fact that I developed a cold that night played a role in that, as my mind was probably tapping into some physical fatigue from fighting germs.
I’m also realizing that I’m mentally connected to my wife more than I thought, because as soon as she started to take a break from running, that’s when my motivation started to crumble almost overnight. Make all the co-dependant jokes you want, but in reality I’d rather have it this way than the other extreme.
So 6k into the Around the Bay 30k (5.9k exactly, that’s how much I didn’t care) I pulled out of the race without a drop of regret or hesitation. A little earlier, at around the 4-5k mark, my internal discussion reached a conclusion that 30k is a long way to run at a high intensity if you don’t have a reason.
Pre race bliss (ignorance).
Internal conversations of dropping out of a race is normal, and at least 1-2 times every race my mind entertains that thought. What was different this time was that I didn’t have an answer for myself when I asked “wait, why am I doing this?”. Usually that answer can slap me into continuing.
No answer came this time, and honestly, that scared me a little.
I remarked on my Strava log that my “injured self would hate me right now”. What I meant by that was that I’ve rarely wanted to stop running due to a lack of mental strength or motivation. Usually, it’s come in the physical form, where running is taken away from me. My injured self, especially in my perpetually shin splints and ITB plagued 20′s always wanted to run.
Previous motivations that I’ve had to train, include:
The self belief that it generates.
Channeling the pain that social anxiety has caused me, and the thousands of opportunities it’s taken from me for most of my life.
In more recent years, I had a chip on my shoulder about bombing in my first 2 marathons. A chip on your shoulder is very good motivation to train, possibly the best.
Perhaps the 3 areas above are getting increasingly now resolved. I gain self belief from my wife, some parts of my career (as issues there are slowly starting to resolve), and other areas in life. Social anxiety is improving year after year, since I’ve stopped seeing it as an un-mentionable skeleton, and have seen a couple of therapists about it.
Lastly, I don’t carry a chip on my shoulder anymore, mainly because my last marathon closed a chapter, and I train alone rather than in a group of arrogant jerks. What’s that I hear you say? I should just train with a bunch of arrogant jerks to get that chip on my shoulder again. Problem solved! But I believe that motivation shouldn’t be so superficial, it’s better when it comes from a deeper place.
There is an overall pattern though, in that motivation comes from a dark place in most case.
It’s very hard to train if you don’t have a chip on your shoulder!
Not many runners would admit they have a chip on their shoulder, but it’s true, most of us do. That’s not a bad thing, quite the opposite. We wouldn’t have such fast times, and witness inspirational performances, if there weren’t any demons that needed banishing. Hey look at that, we’re doing God’s work at the same time as self improving too.
The previous times that I remember that I felt unmotivated was in my mid-teen years, before I saw the value in being competitive, and the self belief and drive that comes from that. That’s a long time ago now, and I’m not sure how to deal with that anymore. Which is mostly the reason to write this down.
Perhaps I can get out of it. Perhaps I’ll take a sustained break. Things will be a lot clearer after another week goes by.
