Another Learning to Breathe scene, this one from much later in the story and featuring some adjusted lore. (I'll get here eventually lol.)
Wisely sticks around because Adam needs his help bypassing Allen's inability to confide in anyone ever about anything. They've started to dig up bits and pieces of his story but Allen is, per usual, trying to lie about the Torments.
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"Mana when I knew him was actually a really good clown," Allen assured Neah, making Mana beam triumphantly. "He nearly knocked Cosimo back down to errand boy, and Cosimo was a huge dick, so I was all in favor." The man would've taken it out on him, sure, but he was a spiteful enough kid that he would've taken joy in it anyway.
Allen rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly. "Ah, well, we had to move on from that circus," he dodged, thinking fleetingly of that time. Rookie mistake, really. "That was when he picked me up. I was pretty glad to get away."
"Cosimo killed Mana's dog?" Wisely asked incredulously, making the lightness of the room evaporate. Allen frowned at him for that. "Why would you leave that out?"
Because he didn't want to tell the rest of that story, Allen thought irritably, unable to keep his mind from flickering through it like pages of a book. Trying to save the dog, and Cosimo's violent reaction, being saved and seeing them perform later and then finding it dead anyway and-
And-
He caught himself too late, remembering the real reason that he never, ever, ever mentioned Mana's dog to anybody.
"Mana thought you were his dog?" Wisely asked. His voice was different this time, quiet and deadly instead of barking in annoyance, but Allen didn't notice, preoccupied with the bucket of ice cold water that had just been dumped over his head. "...Allen? Allen was the dog's name?"
Allen felt lightheaded, like Wisely had punched him in the chest rather than spoken. His ears rang, and for a moment, he couldn't breathe. He felt very far away from everything, hyperaware of all eyes suddenly converging on him, and yet separate from it. He wanted to die.
A moment later, it all slammed back, igniting a burning rage that lit up his veins like napalm. Without giving anyone else time to speak, he slammed both hands on the surface of the table and stood up.
"You know what, Wisely?" he said quietly, ignoring the way his hands trembled. "I think it's time you and I had a talk about privacy."
Without waiting for a response, he grabbed Wisely with his left hand and yanked him none too gently toward the door. Wisely stumbled in his effort to keep up, clearly dazed, but for once Allen didn't care. It was telling that even Adam didn't step in, nor did anyone follow them as Allen dragged Wisely across half the manor before finally settling on a vacant room, where he pulled Wisely inside, kicked the door shut, and let go just so he could take a swing at Wisely with his Innocence hand.
Wisely let it connect, either too dazed or too guilty to even try to dodge it. He grunted in pain, head snapping to the side, and worked his jaw for a moment before speaking, not looking directly at Allen. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that out loud."
"No, you really fucking shouldn't have!" Allen snarled. He took another swing, and Wisely caught it this time before it could connect with his ribs. Allen didn't care. He was breathing hard, vision tinted red. His hands shook. "I am so sick of you spelling out my thoughts like some fucking freakshow! I get it, okay, I'm not right in the head, stop-" He tried to yank his hand back to take another swing, and Wisely didn't let him. "Stop- I'm not a- my life is not a goddamn circus! I'm gonna kill you!" It probably wasn't convincing when the last words came out as a sob.
Fuck, he couldn't breathe. His chest was heaving but he wasn't getting any air, and he felt dizzy. His knees were threatening to give out from under him. He swung with his human hand, and Wisely caught that too, then pushed, carefully guiding him to a kneeling position. Allen let him, feeling like a ship in a storm, being knocked around in the unstable ocean.
"I'm sorry," Wisely repeated, low and even, without letting go of Allen's hands. "Take a deep breath. Hold it. You're okay... oh, for fuck's sake."
Wisely leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Allen, warm and tight. Not expecting it, Allen shuddered as his brain did that- that thing it wasn't supposed to do- and he felt safe and warm, shivering against Wisely, and his heart slowed down and his racing thoughts settled. But Wisely didn't like that thing. He should pull away.
"It's fine," Wisely muttered into Allen's hair, not letting go of him. "Apparently it's useful." After a moment of hesitation, he lifted his hand, cupping the back of Allen's head. Another shiver ran through him, and his breath evened out, although it was still a bit fast. "Feel better?"
After a moment, Allen jerked his head once. He did feel better, although he was still shaky, and it was hard to breathe through the knowledge that there was no taking back what Wisely said. How was Allen supposed to look anyone in the eye when they knew this about him? How was he supposed to introduce himself as Allen?
"I know, kid," Wisely muttered. He threaded his fingers into Allen's hair, scratching gently at the base of his skull. "Deep breaths. It's not your fault." It was. "It's not your fault. I know you're doing your best, alright? You're doing great."
Mm, it was hard to concentrate with Wisely playing with his hair like this. Wisely kept doing it anyway, and Allen sighed softly, tension draining out of him.
"...sorry," he murmured at last, feeling almost sleepy. Belatedly, he hugged Wisely back, wanting the closeness despite himself.
"Wow, it is literally like I drugged you," Wisely muttered. Allen's mouth twitched in amusement. "Hey. What was your name before it was Allen?"
"Didn't have one," Allen mumbled. Wisely sighed deeply.
"Of course you didn't."
At last, Allen reluctantly pulled away, wiping away the tears that hadn't stopped trickling down his cheeks. Some of his frustration returned as soon as he broke contact, and his hands were still shaking, but at least he wasn't actively crashing out anymore.
"You have to stop doing this," he said, more calmly, without looking at Wisely. "This, this repeating all my broken thoughts for everyone. I get why you were doing it, okay, I get that- that you were trying to get us all on the same page, because I'm always on the wrong one. But you have to stop. It's not funny, it's not- what do I need to do for you to stop doing this?"
"Hey." Wisely tugged lightly on Allen's hair to get him to tilt his head back and meet Wisely's eyes, looking serious. "It was never for amusement, alright? You're right, your brain is not a stage show. But it's one thing to be a naturally private person, and another completely to hide as much of yourself as you do. You needed to practice being seen."
"I've practiced. Please stop. What's a normal amount of private? I can do that." Anything but this.
"Allen-" Wisely hesitated, then exhaled harshly. "...I actually didn't mean to blurt out something so personal. I apologize. You're right, that should have stayed private." Allen nodded jerkily. "Whether or not you're normal is not actually the problem here. No one here is normal. The thing that I am trying to make you stop doing is pretending not to be upset. You don't complain when people hurt you, you don't tell anyone when you're sad, you don't ask for things that you want. And it's killing you by inches. Do you understand?"
No, Allen didn't understand. He never fucking understood anything Wisely tried to explain to him. He wanted the hug back.
"...See, and this is when you ask for a hug, so that you actually get one."
Close enough. Allen lurched forward and latched onto Wisely, and Wisely caught him with a grunt, then hugged him again with a resigned sigh. Allen mentally apologized. Wisely didn't acknowledge it.
"That can be the deal," Wisely said instead, holding Allen. "Stop pretending not to be upset and I'll stop telling people for you. Alright?"
That sounded awful, but not as awful as this. "Okay. I can live with that."
Pause.
"So, about the dog thing..."
Allen didn't want to talk about it, but apparently that wasn't an option anymore. This was different from talking to Kanda, who he'd known wouldn't judge him, not in any way that counted, and who already knew him better than anyone else in the world except Cross. He sighed, pulling away regretfully.
"He wasn't well," he said at last, without meeting Wisely's eyes. "I don't know all of the details, but he went through a partial Noah awakening that damaged his mental faculties, and... coming into contact with my Innocence made it worse. There were a lot of things he didn't remember or understand, and yes, one of them was that his dog had died and I was just a foundling. I think he probably knew we were connected but didn't remember how." He exhaled shakily. "I didn't mind. I was just happy he took me with him."
"I see." Wisely's expression was difficult to read. "Are you sure you still want to be called Allen?"
Allen nodded. "It's the only name I've ever had, and it's been mine for long enough that I don't usually connect it to anything else. It's mine. I just... avoid bringing up the dog. It's an awkward explanation."
"No kidding. What do you want to tell the others?" Allen gave him a wary glance. "This is a painful enough topic that I'll let it slide. You can just tell them you don't want to speak of it if you'd prefer."
What was the difference? Allen exhaled, frustrated. "No, I'll tell them," he decided after a moment. "To be honest, I think it's worse without context, and I'd prefer not to speak of it again after this."
"All right. Let's go, then."
Allen wasn't sure how ready he felt for this, but he got up anyway and followed Wisely out the door, back towards the drawing room where they'd left the others. They hushed as Wisely opened the door, and Allen took a deep breath, steeling himself, before he followed suit.
The others had abandoned the card game they'd been playing. Mana had gone to stare out the window, pale and dazed, while Neah and Cyrus were by the fireplace; it looked like they'd been talking. Adam had put his knitting down, frowning at nothing, but Katerina was still reading. All eyes turned to Allen as he came inside.
He avoided looking directly at any of them except for Mana, whose head had snapped toward him, filled with a guilt that didn't belong there. Allen sighed, softened his voice, and spoke directly to Mana, as kindly as he could.
"Mana wasn't well when I knew him," he said, clear and even. It took... effort. "I don't know all of the details, but he went through a partial Noah awakening that damaged his mind, and he was in decline the entire time I knew him. He forgot things often and his grasp on reality was sporadic. It wasn't his fault, and I never blamed him for it. I'm sorry you had to hear about... that. I, ah." He cleared his throat. "I didn't intend to bring it up."
"But it bothered you, didn't it?" Mana said quietly, genuine worry in his eyes as he held Allen's gaze. "You got rather upset when Wisely brought it up."
Allen winced, unable to deny it, and it took him a few heavy moments to form a response. "Not at the time," he said at last, settling down alone at the card table. "Mainly, I was happy to go with him no matter what his reason was. I was already very fond of him. Now, it's difficult to speak of because it would cause most people to look at me differently, and I prefer not to remember Mana through that lens. Aside from a few odd comments here and there, he treated me exactly as one would treat a proper foundling, so it was easy to forget the... misunderstanding. It doesn't matter to me where my name came from. It matters that he gave me one."
"Was he well enough to care for you?" Mana's eyes were unusually serious as he asked, one of the few times he'd directly addressed the relationship Allen had with his Mana.
"Always," Allen assured him. "Things got difficult in the last few months, when he was no longer able to perform, but all the way to the end he was present enough to ask if I was hungry or cold, or comfort me when I was upset." Those months in the church were a very dark and difficult time, but Mana had been Allen's sole comfort through all of it, and he'd found ways to make Allen smile even when his working memory could no longer support a whole conversation. Allen had to force himself to take a deep breath, reminding himself that the crushing pain in his chest was all in his head. "I'm sorry, it's still rather painful to think about."
"Of course it is, I'm sorry," Mana apologized instantly, as if he had anything at all to be sorry for.
"That kind of grief... this is where your curse came from, isn't it?" Adam asked. Allen stiffened slightly at the accusation, and glanced over to find the patriarch looking at him, quite serious but not as condemning as Allen had expected. "You called Mana back from the grave."
There was no point denying it. Allen's throat tightened, and he swallowed, reaching up to spread his fingers over the left side of his face. Years later, his scar still twinged with remembered pain. "It was the only thing he ever got angry at me for. And I gave him quite a few very good reasons to be angry with me. I was an atrocious child."
"Mana gave that to you? That's awful."
Allen blinked, taking a moment to realize that the words had come from Mana himself, who looked unhappy again. That wouldn't do. "I deserved it," Allen reassured him softly. "I'd hit Mana, bitten him, insulted and yelled at him, but I'd never made him angry before. That was how I knew I'd done something truly unforgivable."
"Most people would consider leaving such a mark upon their own child to be truly unforgivable."
That remark came from, of all people, Adam again, watching Allen with an unreadable expression. Allen managed a bitter smile, and dropped his hand from his face with effort.
"Perhaps," he acknowledged. "But I was just a particularly ungrateful foundling."
Adam shook his head, a grim look overtaking his expression. "Your bond was not worth less for being so hard-won," he said, with certainty that made Allen ache with gratitude. "And no reasonable person could have expected you, a child with no one left to depend on, to act differently. Mana most certainly would not have, if he'd been of sound mind."
"Of course not!" Mana exclaimed, making Allen's head twitch toward him in surprise. He met Allen's eyes without hesitation. "You said that your Earl didn't explain anything, didn't you? He would just come to people and ask if they wanted their loved one back." Hesitantly, Allen nodded. "Of course you said yes, Allen. Anyone would have. I'm sure your Mana knew that, deep down."
Allen only had a split second of warning as his eyes burned before he hiccuped, and all at once he was crying, cheeks already wet with tears and his breath becoming shaky and shallow.
"Th-thank you," he forced out. He wasn't sure how to tell them how much that meant to him... but hopefully they understood.
My Doodle Secret Lero Gift for @nox-somniare
They wanted Tyki with family so here is a peaceful moment with Road and Tricia :D And so while at it, Happy Birthday Tyki! The hobo gentlemen kind lazy passionate murderer you are. What a character, really.
The wonderful dress of Tricia is from a 1887 newspaper here graciously shared by @chic-a-gigot my absolute favourite ref blog <3
And here is the little fill-in doodle of human Wisely for @lavie-tyme
