Wishes for 2016
1. Justin Bieber retires from the music industry to become a gay porn star. His fans don't notice the difference, as they've always followed him for his body and not his records anyway.
2. Adele finally cheers up and records a hard dance album.
3. Mariah Carey has a hit single that is not in any way related to the Christmas season. Arianna Grande Latte realises she's served her purpose in reminding the world of Mariah's greatness and goes back to pre-school, where she belongs.
4. Madonna sacks Guy Oseary and hires a manager who can actually promote an album release properly.
5. Britney Spears stops posting Instagram memes and actually finds time to record an album, in which she has some involvement.
6. Taylor Swift realises what a complete cunt she's been and joins a nunnery to absolve her sins. The world breathes a sigh of relief.