I woke up crying
...on one October morning. I knew it would be a bad day to live in my head. There was too much rattling around in my mind, that inner narrative that views myself as the antagonist. I know the little voice is, indeed, my own. It says such mean things; reminds me of my traumas.
I don’t know what wind caught hold of me, but it got me up. My eyes were still burning but something in me was pulling, urging me to take care of myself. At the risk of sounding crazy, another inner voice knew what actions to take to mend my mood. At the time I was only just starting to explore my practices for what they are: a magical craft. For one of the first times since I was a child something in me just knew, could see magic I needed as clear as day. I gathered the items with which I have a strong, personal correspondence. The things that have always been dripping with meaning for me.
First thing I did was take a bath. I needed to wash off the lingering self hate from the night before. A thorough scrub. I dropped in eucalyptus bubble bath and sage oil. I brought my favorite rocks from my collection: river rocks from Ireland, a volcanic pumice, Himalayan rock salt. I picked the last of the lavender and some rosemary from my summer garden, as well as gathered some of the fallen leaves. I surrounded myself with red candles, red for self love. I drank sparkling water with dried ginger.
I thanked every part of my body and told it I loved it.
Thank you toes, I love you. Thank you knees, I love you. Thank you belly, I love you. Thank you breasts, I love you. Thank you hands, I love you.
and everything in between
Dried off and back to my room, it is littered with tissues. That same deep, instinctual understanding hit me all at once. I needed to burn the tissues I cried into. Maybe it’s my Aries Sun & Sagittarius rising/moon or maybe it’s something else, but I do think I may be a fire witch. Window open (and water nearby for safety) I burnt some of my snotty tissues along with some rosemary, thyme and lavender. More rock salt along for the ride. As I watched it burn I called forth, again, that inner voice. I thanked that part of myself for helping to keep me alive through my traumatic days, but told it it’s harsh words were not welcome now. I held this in my mind and let bits go as the tissues burned. I know I didn't clear all of it out, so much of that poison is still deep in me. I don't even know if I burnt away all that was hurting me that day; but this helped. The fire was restorative.
Afterwards and while I was dressing for the day I looked out my window to see this lad. I walked down the lane and talked to him for a bit. We kept our distance, and he was quiet company, but he definitely contributed to the peace of the morning I built. It all carried me through my day.
I ended my day with a gin and tonic nightcap. This one had...yes, more rosemary... dried hibiscus and mallow flower and lemon juice. The flowers made the drink a lovely pink/purple. I read some poems by Yeats and slept again.
