hi. so, wanted to rant about something today, here we go :)
(if you don't wanna read it it's fine, but needed to take it out)
today, it marks two whole years of me being single, and i feel weird about it.
When i think of my past relationship, it feels like it ended ages ago, as after that i lived a totally different life, becoming a different person.
I broke up with my ex back in the day cause i wasn't happy anymore, the feelings weren't there and i feel like i literally passed every day of those four years basically forgetting of myself only to dedicate all my efforts and time to my ex partner and her needs. I basically put to the side the fact that I was a person too, with my own thoughts, ideas and needs only to accomodate whatever she needed of me, but it wasn't her entire fault, i wanted that, to care for her and be there like no one ever did. That wasn't very healthy and calibrated, but kinda toxic for me, as my whole world basically revolved around her.
Now, after two years of situationships gone so wrong and uncomfortable situations i ended up putting myself through to get out of my comfort zone and experience things, I'm a total different person.
I'm an healed version of what i needed to be back then. I don't have my life figured out, yet. But I know what I need, I know who I am, what i like, what i want and what i don't want in a relationship of any kind, my needs, my own thoughts, my ideals. I can speak for myself, I can take care of people when I want to, remembering to have time for myself, without feeling guilty. And I can finally say, despite all, that I can stay alone with myself and enjoy it most times, that i am a person i'd want to be around. That I can't force people to stay, that I don't have to beg no one, if they wanna leave, i can respect now their choices and make up my mind about it (their loss anyway ;)).
I discovered so many new things about myself through writing,reading, experiences, conversations, music, shows, gazes. And I'm so glad I have people around me that can stand me and put effort to do so, even when we disagree.
i'm so happy i got to have myself all this time, even through the pain that love has always brought into my life (girls love to break my heart :(). I've never hated any of them though, I wanna thank them for the pain they caused me, even when i broke down crying til i had to throw up or even considered dating men at this point (it's a joke chill out, i could never, ew), because that pain helped me grow, helped me understand what i did wrong and what they did wrong, how they used me, how bad i was reacting to things, only to modify those defaults into creating the best version of myself i could (still a huge work in progress of course).
Being two years single also means i haven't been touched in any way all those years, and I can't lie, i miss that type of intimacy, but not only sex (even though it's a very important part for me), i miss the complicity, i miss wanting to know someone, late night talking at the phone, in the same bed, underneath the stars, constantly texting, finding out new things of each other, creating little traditions and things you only do together, dates, the connection, souls interlacing. I crave that connection so bad, especially lately, when i feel so empty looking around, every one is so happy and in love, making me feel like maybe i don't deserve it. Cause yeah, I'm 23 years old, and i'm convinced like i've never been completely and utterly in love with someone, and damn what i'd do to experience it.
But it takes time, and as long as i hate that saying, things will come at the right time, and i'm a very patient human being, so i'll be good.
All of this to say, I'm glad I grew up and bloomed so much in these two years, even through pain, bad experiences and bad thoughts. I wanna thank all the people that stayed around me, all the people that tried anyway, but also the people that hurt me so bad, and especially myself. I can be my worst hate at times, but damn if i'm grateful to my soul, for letting me become slowly the person i was always intended to be instead of giving up all those nights all i could think about was of ending it all. So thank you all for hurting me, thank you all for loving me and thank you Virginia, for all that you did for me, for yourself, for everyone you cared for (cause you always give your whole self to your people, and that's a double edged weapon i learned to love and hate), for the strength you showed up every time you had a choice to make and instead of choosing the safest option you chose yourself. You have still a lot of work to do, but keep up at it.
This also applies to you that you're reading, keep up with what you're doing, do it at the best of your abilities with no pressure and always choose yourself first, soft egoism might save you, trust me. you're doing amazing and i'm so proud of you<3
probably no one will read through all of this, but if you did, thank you, and hi, i'm Virginia by the way, nice to meet you, and welcome to my blog, my diary, the place where i can always be honest.
