#wolfieoverthinks

[channies-wolfchan]

Personal Vent

TW: body image issues, loneliness, complexes, etc.

Hi everyone. I’ve been thinking about coming up here and just venting everything. Like genuinely just purge all the bad and the ugly that’s been on my mind.

I hadn’t been wanting to talk about because I genuinely didn’t think this belonged here. I think sometimes I forget this is genuinely my blog, and I’m allowed to post things that are personal (whether good or bad) and not related to Stray Kids.

I’m sure a lot of this I’ve said before in similar posts, but here I go.

I’ve been pretty lonely lately. I know I have friends and family, but they all have someone and it feels like I’m always the last choice. I’ve tried hard to learn to be alone, in fact, I’ve done life alone for years.

But I crave love. I crave someone who wants to be with me 24/7 and will never want to let me go, and that sees all the ugly and still chooses to stay.

Because I’m so tired of handling everything alone. I’m tired of having to learn to be alone. And so I got another job, which I do love, and I also signed up for the gym. But none of these things fix anything inside me.

My body image issues don’t go away just because I train, I don’t feel less lonely just because I’m busy all the time.

And I understand the hows and whys for everything I feel and everything I am. Insight has never been a problem, because I wish I could be so smart that I could fix all my problems. But the truth is I just become obsessive and don’t fix anything. I can never fix anything.

I still want to be ridiculously skinny, borderline sick, and I want to hurt all my friends for making feel so unimportant and lonely. And I’m so envious, I want all of their lives, all because I want to have someone.

I don’t dream of fancy dinners or expensive gifts. I dream of having a chest to lie on at night, somebody to hold me, someone to acknowledge how hard it’s been and how good I’ve managed.

And yet, I find everything with me so wrong. Like how could somebody ever fall in love with someone so broken and insecure? And I’m tired of the “you gotta love yourself first” narrative.

I’m so, so tired of it all.

And I haven’t posted because I feel so sour. I wrote fics because Iived through them. They soothed the ache in me. But I can’t anymore. They’ve all become repetitive, the same reader collapses and Chan holds her and chooses to stay. And I think that says a lot about me at the moment.

I’ve never wanted to make this blog an obligation, hence why I haven’t posted. Because I hold so much love for this place that I rather not disappoint you.

I feel like a fraud. Nothing I write is real. And I get it, that’s literally what fiction is. But it’s just all so meh to me lately.

It feels like I’m genuinely just trying to survive each day as it goes but I keep dragging all these demons that never go away.

I hate myself so much and that feels so unfair. It feels pathetic. I’ve just reached my limit. I wish I could just throw a tantrum or cry all day, or just lie on the floor and let time go by.

I’m so overwhelmed, my thoughts don’t feel like they have any relation to each other. Like I’m just putting pieces of different stuff together and hoping it’ll make sense.

I wish life would give me a break, I wish I could be kinder to myself. I wish people would miss me. I wish I didn’t cry every night. I wish my heart didn’t feel so heavy.

I wish I had someone. I wish I was perfect. Skinny, pretty, likeable. I wish someone showed interest in me.

I wish I was good.

TLDR ; Life sucks lately I wanna crash out and collapse.

taglist: @avinini @kskzhwang143 @loveii-vee @velvetmoonlght @udontknowmeppl @supernaturalsunny @riddlessecretss @simpertonglorp @moon-1307 @cchapssaltteok @skzfangirl143 @naeyonsstrawberries @geni-627

[channies-wolfchan]

TW: loneliness, low self esteem, depression, etc.

I don’t think people understand how lonely I feel. I have friends and family but their lives constantly feel too busy for me.

I don’t know who to talk about it, because the few times I’ve tried bringing it up, I got called desperate.

Is it desperate to want mutual presence?

I keep trying to enjoy being alone. I have two jobs, I spent my only day off either writing for this blog, or following up with my other hobbies. I keep trying to stay busy and function my way out of feelings, but the truth is it’s getting really heavy.

My friends atm are also constantly busy with their partners which leaves me in this in between state of either chasing their attention or just waiting around for whenever they remember me.

I’ve also started having this toxic mentality that only a boyfriend will fix this, when I know that is not true. But when it’s everyone else treating their partners like that, when it’s all I know, I can’t help but wonder.

I keep crying myself to sleep lately. My nails always trying to dig into where my heart aches the most. Fists constantly punishing my so intellectual mind. Always trying to understand, comprehend. As if everything I know will magically solve anything.

I hate having so much love to give, but no one to receive it. I hate trying to convince myself that I’m fine by just pouring it into my job, my hobbies. But honestly it’s not enough anymore.

I also wonder what’s so wrong with me that no one chooses me after that situationship. My first and only heartbreak.

Before him I didn’t need love. I wasn’t looking for it. He approached me, he asked me out, and then used me to be discarded.

I’m just so so tired of being alone. Of functioning alone. And all this sadness turns into anger and I want to disappear from everyone’s lives. I want to call out my stupid friends for always making me feel like I’m not important in their lives.

I want to collapse. I want to stop feeling like this and feel something. I want to feel giddy and in love. But most importantly I want to feel like I matter to the people close to me.

[channies-wolfchan]

i genuinely don’t feel good and have nothing for this week’s post

[channies-wolfchan]

i just wanna be loved right smh