Goodbye
[Archive of Eilidh & Ben’s last thread]
wolfofthe141:
Eilidh, I don't know if you heard about what happened, and I'm not gonna go into it now, but they're sending me home. Just wanted to thank you for everything, for not being scared of me. Means a lot to me. Hope we can keep in touch. -- Ben
eilidhink:
It took hardly any time at all for Eilidh to reach the base and get somebody to let her in–security around here was fuckin’ awful, thank fuck. If felt like it took forever, though, with her heart in her throat and her mind going a mile a minute, trying to figure out when he’d left the note, how long ago, whether he might be gone already.
She could have picked the lock, but she was too angry–and anyway her hands would probably shake–so she pounded on Ben’s door, yelling before anybody’d had a chance to answer.
“Ben fuckin’ White, get your arse out here! You dinnae get to run off without givin’ me a hug at least, you antisocial bastard! I will chase you to fuckin’ Australia, just you fuckin’ try me…”
wolfofthe141:
Ben opened the door, a mild look of surprise on his face. He hadn’t expected her to come find him. Figured it was easier if he just left quietly. But he was glad, despite the fact that she was clearly pissed. “Eilidh…”
eilidhink:
Eilidh’s face went right through relieved and straight back to angry. “You were just goin’ to leave? You werenae even goin’ to say goodbye? And no, a note doesnae fuckin’ count.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben sighed. After everything that had happened he was just bone deep tired and going home wasn’t what he wanted, but they couldn’t keep him here, not with how unstable he was. He gave a halfhearted shrug, looking down at the floor. “I thought it’d be easier.”
eilidhink:
“Yeah, easier for you, maybe.” Eilidh sighed, stepping into the room uninvited and closing the door behind her. “Me, you were goin’ to leave a worried wreck. I’m friends with a lot of soldiers, Ben. I can handle goodbyes and maybe never seein’ a person again, maybe not well, but I’m fuckin’ used to it. But you have to give me a chance to say goodbye. I need that.”
wolfofthe141:
“Oh.” Ben couldn’t really say anything more than that. He realized he’d been selfish to think that leaving without saying goodbye would have been better. And standing in front of her now, he realized that he would have regretted it too. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.
eilidhink:
All the fight went out of Eilidh when he apologized. She wanted to keep being mad, keep yelling at him because it was easier, but no fucking way did she want him to leave and remember her like that. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, hiding her face against his shoulder and taking a moment to memorize the feeling. “Do you have to go?”
wolfofthe141:
Ben wrapped his arms around her and gave her a squeeze. He was gonna miss this, being close. He hadn’t realized just how much he had needed someone to be close to, someone he wasn’t so emotionally wrapped up in. He’d learned a lot from her. “I don’t really have a choice. I’m being discharged ‘cause I’m… not fit to stay here. And… and I think there’s some stuff I need to go home for anyway.”
eilidhink:
“I’d ask you if you’re okay, but you’re not, are you?” They didn’t kick people out of the military for good reasons. Besides, Ben was like her. They way he’d learned to cope with shite meant he’d probably never be completely okay. “Listen,“ she ordered, pulling back enough to look at him, “you’re goin’ to write to me, and you’re goin’ to take fuckin’ care of yourself, and you’re goin’ to come back and see me as soon as you can, alright? I’ve got a million tattoo ideas for you, and you cannae avoid me by skippin’ off to another hemisphere.”
wolfofthe141:
“No, I’m not okay,” Ben replied quietly. “But I… I know I’m not okay. And I think that… that means it’ll be easier to get help.” He looked down at her and couldn’t help smiling a little at her words. “I will write. I promise. And I’ll try to take care of myself. I…” He took a deep breath. “I’m gonna get in touch with Elise’s parents and - and maybe stay with them for a while. And I’ll try to come back and visit when I can.”
eilidhink:
“Good, they’ll be glad to have you. And they’ll look after you better than you will, I’d bet.” She looked him over carefully without letting go. It made her feel better to see him smile, even if it wasn’t much of one, and she finally smiled back. A little sad, but it was the best she could do. “Are you takin’ Sunny with you? Goin’ to toughen up the little fluffball in the outback?”
wolfofthe141:
“Yeah, they will. They - they always have.” They had taken care of him from the moment they met him. He knew that, despite being nervous to see them in person again. He nodded at Eilidh’s question. “Yeah, I am. Can’t leave her here with these idiots. I think the little shit will do just fine in the outback.” He glanced at Sunny’s cage. “She’s a tough lil fucker.”
eilidhink:
Eilidh laughed and nodded. “You two are a good pair. She can protect that squishy heart of yours. And don’t pretend you dinnae have one,” she added, looking up at him smugly. “You never fooled me for a minute.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben smiled. It was good to hear Eilidh laugh. Goodbyes were always sad, but this wasn’t goodbye forever; or he hoped it wasn’t. He’d try his best to come see her again. His smile turned a little sheepish at her words and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, guess I do. Been learning that more and more lately.” His face went serious and he reached out and took her hand. “Thanks for showing me I do.”
eilidhink:
“Well, you know how I like bein’ right. I can be a little stubborn about it,” Eilidh answered with a cocky grin as she squeezed his hand. She was going to miss him, miss this, his surprising shyness, his gentleness. There was so much good shite in this kid, just underneath anger. He just had a lot to figure out and fix and deal with to bring it out. She leaned up to kiss his cheek, a firm, lingering kiss that she wanted him to remember. “You’re goin’ to be alright, Ben. I’m right about that, too.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben focused on the kiss she pressed against his cheek, memorizing the feel of it. He didn’t ever want to forget this, forget her. It made his eyes sting and he pulled her into another hug. “Thank you,” he said, voice thick. “For believing in me.” He pulled back to look at her, blinking hard to keep the tears back. He smiled slightly. “You wanna… wanna cuddle one last time?” It was the first time he’d outright asked that and he felt a little stupid asking, but he needed to.
eilidhink:
Eilidh held him tight for as long as he wanted to hold her and smiled, remembering how she’d climbed on top of him that first time they’d really talked. It had been the right call, and she was glad for a lot of reasons. “Fuck yes, I do, if you’ve got time. And if Sunny can join us–I’m goin’ to miss her, too. The little beast is a good listener.”
wolfofthe141:
“Yeah I got time. Plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning at five.” He pulled away from her to go pull Sunny out of her cage. The rabbit squirmed a moment in his arms before settling against him. “She is a good listener,” he said moving towards his bed. “Too good sometimes, I think.”
eilidhink:
“Christ, 5 am? In the mornin’?” Eilidh shook her head in horror. “It’s a fuckin’ crime, makin’ you get up that early just to sit on a plane for what is it, twenty hours? I hope you’ve got a good book or somethin’.” She headed for the bed, watching Ben and Sunny with a smile as she sat down. “Alright, I’ll bite. What do you mean, ‘too good’ a listener?”
wolfofthe141:
“Yeah, that’s the military,” said Ben, sitting down and scooting back so his back was against the wall. “I’ll probably just try to sleep. Don’ think I’m gonna get much tonight.” He set Sunny in his lap, petting her a couple times for good measure. He shrugged. “Just that sometimes I think she understands more than a rabbit should. I fuckin’ swear she gets this look on her face sometimes. Like she’s tryin’ to tell me that I’m being an idiot.”
eilidhink:
Eilidh moved to sit beside Ben, turning a little to lean against him and reaching over to scratch Sunny’s ears. “I can stay tonight, if you like, but… listen, if there’s anybody else you’re avoidin’ sayin’ goodbye to, don’t. Alright?” Eilidh hated having to say goodbye, but it was so much worse when people just left, like you didn’t matter to them. Or when soldiers didn’t have time or clearance to tell you they were leaving, and you were left worrying about them until they came back, or forever if they didn’t.
“She’s smart like that. Does the same to me all the fuckin’ time. Funny how she’s usually right.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben moved his arm and wrapped it around Eilidh, leaning on her as well. It felt like he’d leaned on her a lot lately, in a weird way. He had never thought they’d become the friends they had, but he was thankful for it. “Yeah, I – I’d like it if you stayed.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No, most everyone knows I’m leaving, so they’ve all come to say goodbye whether I wanted them to or not. And I will say goodbye to anyone I missed.”
He smiled a little tiredly. “Sometimes I think animals are smarter than people, you know.”
eilidhink:
“Good, because I want to.” She sighed happily when he put his arm around her and laid her head on his shoulder. “I’d advise against wakin’ me up when you leave. I’d hate for “fuck you” to be the last thing I say to you before you go,” she said, trying to be funny but not really trying to hide the sadness in her voice. “Just promise you’ll give me a kiss on your way out the door.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben leaned his head against Eilidh’s, a soft chuckle leaving him. “Don’t think those are the worst last words I could hear.” He was gonna miss this; the cuddling and the banter. He gave her a squeeze. “Alright. I promise to kiss you on the way out the door. Long as you don’t sock me when I do it.”
eilidhink:
“I’m not sure I could muster the energy to take a swing at that time of the mornin’, in any case,” she laughed. He’d have to really try to wake her up that early, and he wasn’t likely to do that. He was careful about people, probably too careful. She scooted down a bit to get more comfortable, wrapping an arm around him. “Make sure you find somebody to cuddle with down there. I’d hate to think of you lonely. I’m goin’ to miss you enough as it is.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben slid down to lay on the bed, pulling Eilidh with him and disrupting Sunny, who found a new place to settle on the bed. He was tired from the emotional roller coaster the day had been, from packing and saying goodbye to everyone. He didn’t want to leave, but at the same time he felt ready to go home too. It was a strange combination. “I’ll find somebody. I promise. You should come visit too, you know. Could take you out to the outback, take you spear fishing and surfing…”
eilidhink:
Her earlier fear and anger had left Eilidh worn out, and she let herself be pulled into a more comfortable position against Ben’s side. She adjusted herself so she could look up at his face, though, partly because she wanted to see how he was feeling and partly because she wasn’t sure how long it would be until she saw him again. “Are you really goin’ to put a spear in my hand and turn me loose? That sounds like a terrible idea,” she warned with a smile. “I’m in.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben turned his head to look at her and returned her smile, albeit a little tiredly, his eyes already half closed. He didn’t really want to fall asleep yet, but it had been a long day. “As long as you don’t spear me, I think we’ll be fine.” He gave her another squeeze, holding her close.
eilidhink:
“I’d never,” Eilidh promised. She reached up to brush his hair back, running her fingers through it soothingly. He should sleep–he had to be awake in a few hours, and a day on a fuckin’ plane after all these goodbyes and shite wouldn’t be easy. “I’m quite fond of you, in case you hadnae noticed. I’d much rather not accidentally put a spear through you.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben’s eyes fell closed when she ran her fingers through his hair. He leaned into the touch, almost pressing into it like a dog would when wanting more petting. “I had noticed,” he murmured. “’M fond of you too.” He was already starting to slip into sleep with her gentle touch.
eilidhink:
“Good. This might be awkward if you weren’t.” She grinned, but her voice was quiet. She wanted to give him more, help him more, if she could, but there wasn’t time. Just tonight. So she went on petting his hair and smiling at him, because she didn’t want to say goodbye. “Go on, go to sleep. I’ll be here.”
wolfofthe141:
Ben snorted softly at her comment. He was going to miss Eilidh. A lot. He hoped he’d get to come and visit her in the future. “’Kay.” He sighed deeply, settling more into the bed. “Thanks, Eilidh.” After a moment the darkness of sleep took him under, slow and peaceful.
eilidhink:
Eilidh remembered their first real conversation like it had been yesterday. Ben had been a fuckin’ mess, drunk and scared and telling her she shouldn’t be around him, because he’d just hurt her. He was a monster. She smiled, leaning up to kiss his forehead softly before settling against him to sleep. He wasn’t a monster anymore than she was. Fuck, if her life had gone just a little differently, she may have ended up just like him.
She pressed against him as thoroughly as she could, her head on his shoulder, one arm wrapped securely around him. She threw her leg over his for good measure. She wanted to touch him as much as possible, as though that way she could give him some warmth and affection to take with him, to keep him going while he found his feet again.
Eilidh’s last thought as she drifted off was that she’d been right about him–Ben had never hurt her, not once. Not until he tried to leave without saying goodbye, anyway, and she hadn’t let him get away with that, so it didn’t count. Eilidh liked being right, and she hoped she was right this time, too. That Ben was going to be okay.
wolfofthe141:
When Ben woke to the alarm on his phone going off, he didn’t want to pull away from Eilidh, but he knew he had to. He lay there for a long moment, memorizing the feel of her against him, the feel of the crappy bed, the smell of the room. This would be the last time he would ever be there. He didn’t want to forget it, didn’t want to forget what he learned while being there.
Finally he gently and carefully pulled away from Eilidh, watching as she shifted in her sleep to get comfortable without him there. He leaned down and pressed a long kiss to her forehead. He would never forget her.
Sam was awake as well. They got dressed, got Sunny in her carrier, and then Sam helped him carry the last of his bags out to the runway. Kaitlin was already there, as he knew she would be, and she gave him a tight hug. She told him he better take care of himself and when she started crying Ben couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. He was going to miss them all, but he felt this was right and as much as it saddened him, he had a strange peace about it.
He gave Sam a long hug as well and told them both that they had better come down and visit when they got some leave. With that he grabbed his bags and Sunny and headed into the chopper that would take him to airport where he would start his long journey home. He waved, tears in his eyes, as they took off, sadness and heaviness in his heart, but also a strange peace.
It was the end of one life and the beginning of another.
