Womb Raiders - Episode 1
It was the scientific breakthrough of the century. Professors Bashor and Lieberman, after countless nights spent pouring over Doctor Who and Fantastic Voyage ( as well as some actual scientific research), had uncovered the secret behind miniaturization. Harnessing this astonishing power, these great men created the Really Awesome Device Involving Shrinking, also known as the RADIS. This vehicle could shrink both itself and all of its passengers down to the size of a bug. They knew that they would have to assemble a crew of stalwart and trustworthy individuals to man the RADIS. These would have to be the best humanity had to offer, truly the cream of the crop. The choice was clear to them; the RADIS must be manned by internet comedians.
Ian Hecox. Maude Garrett. Anthony Padilla. Steve Zaragoza.
The Womb Raiders
“I dunno, dude. This is fucking weird.”
“C’mon, Steve! It’ll be fine. There’s nothing to worry about.” Anthony grinned, clearly amused by Steve’s discomfort.
“It’s just…it’s not right! We’re real good friends, I don’t wanna go anywhere near there!”
Maude put a reassuring hand on Steve’s shoulder. “It’s alright, mate. Just cover your eyes. I’ll let you know when we’re inside and it’s safe to open them again.”
Steve opened his mouth to reply, but his comment turned into a groan when static burst from the RADIS’s speaker system.
“Hello, crew of the RADIS, and welcome to our expedition into the vaginal canal of…”
“No, Lieberman, don’t say it,” Steve interrupted, his face slowly transitioning to a nice shade of green. “It’s bad enough that I have to be shrunk down like this! You don’t have to remind me of where we’re going.”
“Well this is really significant! Not only are we going to save the life of a dear friend’s unborn child, but this is also the maiden voyage of the RADIS!”
Somebody, presumably Professor Sam Bashor, started clapping. Ian snickered. “Maiden voyage.”
“That’s right, Ian. Maiden voyage. Now, you guys are going to go inside the patient in search of some anomaly we detected in her womb. What it is and whether it poses a danger to the baby or not is unknown. We have outfitted the RADIS with a precision laser and some good ol’ grabby claws. That should be enough for you guys to take care of the problem.”
Steve sat down and propped his head up with his hands. “Guys, I don’t know if I can do this.”
Professor Lieberman, however, decided not to give Steve a choice. He tapped a few buttons on his control panel and the RADIS shifted, temporarily knocking all of its passengers off balance. It moved across the room before coming to a stop.
The crew of the RADIS looked outside. Ian gasped. Anthony whistled, low and quiet. Maude said “Crickey.” Steve muttered something about getting sick and buried his face in his hands.
“Alright, Maude,” Lieberman said, “From here on out, you’re the pilot. You ready for this?”
“Yessir!”
There was a moment of silence before the professor chimed in again. “Sorry about the wait, I was just consulting the patient.” “Ah,” said Maude, “That explains the pregnant pause.”
Lieberman groaned at the pun, but someone else had clearly been tickled pink. The high pitched laugh could only faintly be heard through the RADIS’s speakers, but everyone aboard knew who it was. Even if her laugh wasn’t so distinctive, they would have been able to tell by the patient’s comparatively giant body as it convulsed with laughter before them. Steve chuckled, then collapsed out of his chair and curled into the fetal position.
“Ms. Garrett, you are clear for takeoff. Whenever you’re ready.”
Maude vaulted into her seat and her hands began to dance across the controls. “Strap in, boys! We’re going in!”
Ian and Anthony sat down and pulled their seatbelts on. Steve pulled himself off of the floor and into a seat, put on his seatbelt, and buried his face in his hands again. The RADIS lifted off the ground and began to move toward its destination. Lieberman had moved the RADIS so that it was no more than three feet away from the target vagina, but those three feet seemed much farther to the passengers within the tiny craft. The RADIS crossed the great expanse and easily slipped past the patient’s lips and into her vagina.
“Alright, professor, we’re in! We’ll have this taken care of in no time at all!” Maude turned around and looked at Steve. “It’s alright now, buddy. You can uncover your face.”
Steve peeked out from between his fingers before slowly removing his hands from his face. “This is so fucking weird.”
The RADIS moved through the fleshy tunnel for only a short while before the static came through the speakers, followed by Professor Lieberman’s voice. “Alright guys, you’re almost there. Get ready, keep your eyes open. We don’t know what you’re going to run into in there.”
Ian launched his fists in the air and shouted “Womb Raiders!”
And with that, they were in. Before them was a giant pink baby. It was fully formed, ready to be born in a matter of days. The RADIS kept its distance from the child, not wanting to disturb it. “Let Trisha know that she’s got a perfectly healthy baby girl, mate,” Maude said.
“Roger that,” Lieberman replied, “Any sign of the anomaly?”
“Not yet, but…”
Maude was interrupted by Anthony’s hand shooting past her face. He was pointing towards the baby’s umbilical cord. “Look! Over there!”
Maude covered her mouth with her hands. Steve leapt to his feet and reached for the microphone. “Turn on external speakers, now!”
Maude was too stunned to move, so Anthony flipped the switch. “You’re online.”
“Dude!” Steve shouted, his voice now echoing throughout the womb, “What the hell are you doing here?”
Mr. William Haynes slowly turned to face the RADIS. He was wearing some sort of breathing apparatus similar to a deep-sea diver’s, and held a long knife in his right hand. “Heya, Stee! What brings you here?”
“You do, man! What’s going on? Are you seriously trying to kill Trisha’s baby?”
Will’s grin was gone, replace by a look of pure rage. “You guys are here to stop me, are ya?”
“Of course we are! We have to! What are you even thinking?”
“I can’t allow this, Stee!,” Will shouted, gesturing towards the baby with his knife. “She can’t have a baby! I am her baby boy! ME! She can’t have another! It’s not fair!”
“Will, this is crazy! Put that knife down and we can talk about this.” Steve’s hands were trembling and beads of perspiration appeared on his forehead.
“No, Steve. No more talking. This is the only way.” Will turned and raised his knife.
The RADIS’s laser spat out an intense beam of energy, hitting Will square in the back. Steve turned and saw Ian at the laser controls, preparing to take another shot.
“Hold your fire, Ian,” Maude said. “I think he’s unconscious.”
The RADIS approached Will’s limp body and found that, sure enough, the laser had knocked him out. Anthony directed the claws to grab Will and his knife, then gave a thumbs-up to Maude. Maude turned the RADIS around and began to move towards the exit. “Professor Lieberman, the anomaly has been taken care of. Prepare for retrieval.”
“Roger that, Maude. Prepping for retrieval and resizing. Well done, guys.”
Ian looked at the rest of the team. “Aww yeah!! Go womb raiders!! We could seriously make a career out of this!”
Steve chuckled, and then assumed the fetal position for the remainder of the trip.
-Epilogue-
Far away, a man sat at a desk. The desk was in a very large room. The room was at the top of a very large tower. The man at the desk in the room was working on some very important paperwork for his very important business when his phone began ringing. He glanced at the caller ID, and then answered.
“Hello? Yes, this is Mr. Everett.” He paused a moment while whoever was on the other end spoke.
“Is that so? A baby girl, you say? Perfect. You womb raiders don’t even know how much of a help you have been today. Thanks for the update. Let me know as soon as my new girlfriend is born. And be careful, we don’t want to rest of the womb raiders to know that you’re really working for me.”
Ross ended the call, put his phone done, and went back to work on his very important paperwork. A small grin crawled across his face. Everything was proceeding according to plan.