Experimentation
We had a conversation about subjective reality earlier. How one person’s view of the world may not make an ounce of sense to someone else, whether that’s due to different experiences, different backgrounds, different mental states or whatever. If reality is just a social construct, how do we know anything is what we believe it is?
It wasn’t that deep, don’t worry xD
But it made us think. From the outside, my guys are more than likely looked at as “imaginary friends”, “Muses”, “RP characters” or even just make believe. I daresay there are plenty of people who read this blog that think I’m making it all up, or “world building/character developing” to put it a nicer way. I don’t actually mind that. What you think has no bearing on me or my guys. They’re real to me and that’s not going to change anytime soon.
We got curious though. What if, somewhere down the line, I start thinking of them as “characters” or as simply make believe? I’ve seen it happen. I’ve seen too many people turn their backs on SoulBonds and Inner Worlds to concentrate on the “real world” and truthfully, it breaks my heart a little every time. I’m not judging. To an extent, I can sort of understand their reasoning even if I don’t share the desire - viva la vida and do it the way YOU want to - happiness is important.
Ami thought of it. I think I got a bit of a sadistic streak in my curiosity...
*snorts* Maybe a wee bit! xD We decided that nobody would try to speak to me, wouldn’t offer opinions, wouldn’t engage in any way. I was not to think of them, wasn’t to speak to them internally, wasn’t to let my mind wander to any of our adventures or memories. Basically, I was to act and think like... like I imagine most rational and “normal” adults do. Concentrate on what was going on around me and the task I was doing as opposed to nattering away to them, reminiscing, planning adventures and just conversing the way we normally do all day every day.
It sounded fairly easy, I didn’t think we’d have much problem with it - but I refused to let it go on for longer than half an hour.
Which was fine with me!
With me also!
xD
So it began. It was 4pm and we were not to interact in any way until 4.30.
Thus began the longest thirty minutes of my life to date - and that includes that time I was stuck on a bus with no A/C on a hot day and there was far too much sweaty skin FAR too close to me x(
How the hell do normals do it?! No jokes, no little observations, no half amused/half exasperated questions on just why that tin has no label, what on earth the yowling cat wants, no laughter when I tripped over said cat and nearly went flat on my face, no requests for songs while we- while I worked, no sudden thoughts of half-forgotten stories or memories or films and requests for explanations - nothing. Just... silence.
It was HORRIBLE.
I felt like I was constantly close to tears, like my head was too big for just me and I had a horrible empty feeling both in the back of my mind and in the pit of my stomach, that feeling you get when there’s something very important missing and you want it back NOW.
It wasn’t any better from our side. We’d promised not ta try an’ speak ta her but we could feel that emptiness - like somethin’ cold an’ dark an’ huge was behind us an’ if we turned, if we so much as acknowledged it was there, we’d be lost in it- an’ I ain’t so sure we’d ever have come back :/
It was certainly not a comfortable experience. And... It was lonely. Cat keeps a little thread of her- her Self, her consciousness, I suppose - with us at all times It is how she always knows when we are around and speaking or interacting in other ways. We can, of course, impose ourselves on her tactile sense but that is very difficult to do when she is closed off completely. It is not often she does that and it is rarely deliberate but this was... unpleasant.
It was rather like being caught in a maelstrom of hugs when the thirty minutes was finally over!
It sort of brought it home though. I think of my guys as separate souls, as their own people and the odd “oh sh*t, did they do that themselves or am I accidentally controlling them?!” moment aside, they’re pretty hard to mix up with my own thoughts. If they were completely part of me, this experiment wouldn’t have been so damn hard!