Dear Mr/Ms (name linked to this address) We would like to inform you that you are heir or heiress Of an estate quite massive – and based overseas The owner a distant relative who succumbed…
As the title suggests, the rhythm to this poem is not steady and regular like a general one. Instead, read it in your head as though you are speaking it aloud, and let the words naturally steer you to the right rhythm. It changes throughout, but once you’ve got the hang of it, it’s quite infectious (I think). But then, spam does tend to get around.
I did try to keep the theme of misspelling but I couldn’t do it. I just could not. So it’s just that first verse, with a couple of consistent errors I tend to see when I get this stuff.
Hello, New massage for our
(For we know not what you are)
There has been suspicious goings on
With apple/paypal/spotify/facebook/whatever we’re toutin’
Oh valued human person we are also alive
And we would like to help you sort this out if you have the drive
Here is a PDF to download or a link to select
Please do not be alarmed the URL will redirect
All we need is confirmation of your name or your login
Or maybe just confirm your bank details we promise no robbin’
Oh honestly, we assure you we are fully legit
We’re in your junk folder because your mail provider is shit
Ok, never mind, you clearly are unconcerned
With these unverified purchases of which you have learned
And so let us move on we will contact you soon
To check if you are open to receiving a boon.
Dear Mr/Ms (name linked to this address)
We would like to inform you that you are heir or heiress
Of an estate quite massive – and based overseas
The owner a distant relative who succumbed to disease
We would like to transfer to you a cool few mil
But first we have to issue you a transfer bill
You see it costs us to take these numbers from our screen to yours
It seems like a lot I know, but we are on different shores
And besides you know the inheritance is significantly more?
No? Well as it happens I’m a Nigerian Royal
And somebody’s being ransomed in exchange for my spoils
But for reasons convoluted I cannot give them cash
I first need to send it to you and have you send it back
Of course you’ll get a cut I mean it only seems fair
As you’d be doing me a favour and I’m a billionaire
There is a fee for transfer and the currency switch
But you’ll be saving a life and I’ll be making you rich
I’ve given you my word but it seems it isn’t enough
As I’ve received no reply I guess you think I’m making it up
It’s true, you’re very clever, you have seen through my ruse
But that’s okay I’ve sent five thousand just like the one I sent you
And many more with scripts that cover every other purview
Your octogenarian grandma got one just the other day
Thought she’d somehow committed tax fraud so replied straight away
She says she doesn’t get much more in a week than the fee
But senior pension sure stacks up when you’re as active as me
**As a side note, please do remember that all scam emails that you laugh at do manage to ensnare the easily confused, be they seniors, the mentally impaired, and other vulnerable people without support networks or people close to them who they can ask about suspicious emails. Instead of laughing when you see a scam post on Facebook, or in your inbox, perhaps share it with why it is a scam, and help your fellow humans. After all, these sorts of scams tend to take advantage of the most vulnerable people in our society.