Jul 16
seen from Malaysia
seen from Brazil
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seen from Malaysia
seen from Russia
seen from Netherlands
seen from Iraq
seen from China
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Maldives
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from China
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seen from United States
Passed a small milestone at 1am. My alarm was schedule for 7am.
Every milestone surpassed is a cause for celebration, no matter how small. Every step forward is a step further towards my dream of being published. Towards not working a crappy job, of not living in a crappy situation, of having every form of freedom there is to obtain. I dream of being about to dedicate my time and energy to my inner world and not suffering financially for it.
My only relief are these small milestones. Another chapter fully drafted, another variable defined, another email sent.
I’ve never gotten a response to any of my emails. I plan things and then something comes up and my plans are forced to accommodate. My schedule fills with tasks for others and any of my free time is spent recovering.
My therapist disagrees with me when I say that the world is against me. He asks me if I’m afraid of publishing, afraid of being vulnerable. I can only laugh in “three jobs”.
I’ve hit a small milestone at 1am. Perhaps tonight I’ll hit another, but there’s a good chance I’ll just go to sleep and prepare myself for tomorrow.
I feel like I should feel bad because today was rough. This is Day 3 of broken sleep for both the husband and I and his meds adjusting. He woke me up at 3am, and kept me up until at least 5am, then we were up with our kids for school.
I tried to lay down for more rest, but every time, once an hour, I'm getting calls from doctors and such. My brain is fried. I said to my husband, just in exhaustion: "I hope your parents don't come over to bombard me with more information right now...At least today. I can't absorb it right now."
His parents came over before I went to work, tried to talk about medical bills and everything, and my husband stepped in, and firmly said stop. I've been trying to rebuild some relationship at least with my MIL, and sent her an apology, because she immediately went icy with me. It's been 2 hours since I sent an apology for my exhaustion, and I feel even worse now.
This is just a really trying day.
I got 5 hours of sleep, and was able to see my husband finally more coherent.
He's not perfect right now, but calm. At least talking to him, brain damage doesn't seem to have happened at all, but tests they gave him haven't come back yet with concrete results.
We're all still exhausted.
Well, sick and miserable 🙃 One job called telling me I was a no show when I wasn't even told I was on the schedule. Then, I had to tell the other I can't come in...I'm just wanting to bawl, but it hurts to cry and swallow, so I'm going to sleep, and just be mad at myself. I used to be able to handle all this, and now, I just can't. 😔
The closer the holidays creep up, the more I would rather be around my found family than actual family. I love my family, but just can't mentally go through the motions anymore.
Just venting:
I used to not mind working so much, but the older I get, the more I just seek to be home. My daughter(9) is autistic, non verbal, and has a lot of meltdowns. Ever since I started taking better care of myself mentally, my relationship with her has gotten healthier, and I can't even leave for work at night without her losing it anymore. She's attached to my hip now.
And a few weeks ago, my boss said 2 more strikes and I'm out, which missing work was a result of staying home to help her through her meltdowns, and give my husband breathing room, as he is coming home from his job when I have to leave.
Her psychologist suggested FMLA leave, and said I need to curb working if I can help it. I've reached a point I just seek peace, and would even consider moving to be home, and quit working. On top of it, my mom guilt trips me into staying, then pities me for working 3 jobs...Which I may not have to if I move away. But I'm terrified it would literally kill her from heartbreak.
This is about the easiest place to vent. I go somewhere else on social media, and my half of the family will guilt me into staying. I feel like I'm stagnating, and bringing my children down.
End rant....I could go on, but I don't want to. It's hard enough just being at this crossroads.
Burnt out, and just want to sleep now. I think the most exciting thing about the last few days might be making a stop at Tim Horton's. I've very desperately wanted to try their coffee, and might be before we go home.