Now that my moods are stabilizing, it’s left me to brood on the fact that I fucked up one of my dream opportunities by being an overdramatic, emotionally unstable little shit. AND I can’t even get a simple job as a barista back here at home. I guess everyone can smell the crazy off me? Like what did I think I would accomplish by coming back? Like okay, I’m not dead, I’m medicated which just let’s me see CLEARLY how I’m a total fuck up.
I’m really upset that I didn’t get the call today for a second interview like my interviewer said he would. And I’m dumb and crying about it at home by myself. Like, I can’t do ANYTHING right and even something this small ( comparatively) is sending me into a low self-esteem, depressed, semi-suicidal spiral. Cause what is the POINT! All I am is a drain on my family and my father and those I love. I’ve been making terrible decisions and fucking up since I was 19. Like I keep trying but all I do is ruin things that are supposed to be good opportunities. I feel so disconnected from the self I was 10 years ago, hell just 5 years ago. I just give up on everything and get disappointed that no one wants me when I do try and care.
Maybe I jinxed it by telling people I thought it went well or by actually hoping I would do well.
I can’t keep caring it fucking hurts too much.
