#world stopped

[starsdumped]

what the fuck happens now

[iwannakissyoubuticant]

STOP

[iwannakissyoubuticant]

also happy birthday to tpwk 🪩

[diamond-viper]

My whole world stopped

So, my whole world stopped. I think it's a part of my therapy.

(dammit I did not intend to make so much space between this and this but I can't fix it so whatever)

Before. Before I was running. Running from everything and to something. I didn't know why. I was desperately looking for something. Or someone. I had no idea where to look for it or what I am looking for. I drank a lot of tea every day. Sure I needed so much energy to maintain the pace. And I borrowed it. I was running fast. I thought tea had no effect on me. I just drank 6-8-12??? cups of tea every day for a few years (4 or 6, I don't remember when I started).

And suddenly I stopped. Last week I stopped drinking tea. At all. Completely. Just stopped. Changed for water and, once in a couple of days, coffee. Also, I found something or actually someone from my past (like 100 years ago past, family story). And it clicked. I was looking so desperately for this person. And my world stopped.

It stands still for a week now. My head hurts the whole week. And I just stand.

Whatever I am trying to do just doesn't go further than the first step. And not because I don't do shit, no. People just don't respond. It's like pushing closed doors. My whole world stopped and it doesn't let me go anywhere.

I am not used to standing still. I am used to running. But it seems universe doesn't give me any choice in this. Obviously, I have to stop and realize something right here where I am. Before I can go I have to stop. Stop and take a breath after this endless marathon of mine.

It is a strange feeling. I don't understand it. Not much has changed and yet it feels like I'm standing on the ruins. Like if I've ruined everything. But was there much to ruin in the first place? I need an opinion on that for sure.

What have I done? I am sure I had to do it because I was running toward the cliff.

Oh, did I stop right before it? On the edge of my own not very strong world? Did I stop right on time? What if I can't go in that direction again because I just can't; like it's the end; am I pushing not doors but painting on the wall?

Damn, I am glad I stopped. And now I have to change a direction. Or build a new world from the scratch.

I am standing in the grey area of nothing. What am I gonna do? What can I do? What do I have to do? I have so many questions...