When I was younger I wanted to be lots of things. At first, I wanted to be Sleeping Beauty. Mainly, because she was the only Disney Princess at the time that had a pink dress. Then I wanted to be an art teacher. I thought I was just the shit at art. I mean, anytime my kindegarten teacher passed by my canvas during art she would squeal, "Ahh, how wonderful and creative, darling! Just wonderful!" Man, did that make my head big. I thought I could do anything after that. I could be a dancer, an actress, a model, a singer, anything! I just wanted to live up to what my kindegarten teacher thought of me: creative. I wanted to breathe creativity into every and anything I touched or came in contact with. I knew I could do it. How? I don't know but I was confident in myself.
As I got older confidence wasn't as evident as it was when I was eight years old. I started doubting myself and comparing myself to my friends. In my mind, they were always faster, smarter, prettier, thinner,...better. In the fifth grade all I wanted to do was lose weight cause I thought I was thin enough. It never mattered how many days I didn't eat for or how many times I threw up the weight never came off. That was my mind set for five years. Five fucking years. I realize now how stupid it was but even then I still find myself standing in my bathroom staring at the toilet for hours. I just felt like the only reason I wasn't the prettiest or the funniest or the person everyone liked was because I wasn't thin enough. I never was as confident as I was when I was younger.
You know how everyone has that thing that they're really good at? You know how everyone has that special talent, that thing that they're uber uber good at? I could never find that and it irked me. I just wanted to be good at something.
About a week ago, I was walking through the mall with my mom. We had just left a mother-daughter brunch thing but we wanted to pass by the mall to get one thing or the other or watever. You know those people who have those little booths that trick you into buying a whole bunch of shit you don't want? Yeah well we were passing one of the little booth things and this guy was like obviously pointing at me so I started saying I had enough of their make-up to last a life time and he was like no no no it's not about make-up. So I pull my mom over to this guy who's standing with a lady who's looking all profeshh and everything. After buttering us up with compliments the first thing the lady asks me is, "Have you ever thought abotu being a model?" When I say the world stopped spinning for about .0535256 seconds, I'm not fucking kidding. I was like "Eh, well you know once maybe hehe." She's goes, "Well, you have this glow about you that really stands out." So she starts going on about her modeling program that she has and how they're trying to get more 'young ladies' to join the program. On the outside, I'm looking just as professh as her but on the inside a million and one things are going through my mind. I'm about to jump off the walls when she tells me it's a contest drawing that she wants to to enter. If you win you get a trip to NY, shopping spree and a shoot for 17 Magazine. So I enter with low hopes. Just like watever.
Then, on Tuesday, my mom comes home saying she got a call from a modeling agency that wants to meet with me. What. The. Actual. Fuck. I'm like, "....So did you set up a time?" And my mom starts going off about how they (her and my dad) have been trying to keep me out of the business since I was a baby and watever. She asks me why I even want to try and be a model anyway. "I just want to be good at something." She says that she'll let me call them and set an appointment. But I haven't.
I mean, should I? I want to but at the same time, what if I'm not good enough?
**I know I said I wouldn't do anymore personal posts but I needed to let this out. Some of the things I wrote here, I hadn't let out till now. If I know you from school or watever, I didn't come and talk to you about this so don't come and talk to me about it.
Tumblr lovees, all of you who have been here from the beginning (aradia, ale-la-pazza, justshorstuff, after-all-this-time, kurzel, daniel-black, ect.) I need your advice and your help and even if I didn't list your name don't hesitate to message me:)