#woundedfox

[l0velyf0x]

My husband just told me I should just get used to feeling hungry…cause I broke and had snacks today when stressed while also bored and edging a breakdown. And when he KNOWS the hunger isn’t a problem for me…

Excuse me while I go smash my head against the bathtub cause apparently he’s clearly been lying to me and does think I’m fat with that kind of talk. And when I said it’s not supportive or helpful and is insulting he just said “I don’t know how to help you”

Someone shoot me now and end my horrible fat ass existence and free him from marriage to someone he sees as a whale despite his lies.

[l0velyf0x]

I view myself as such a horrible, unkind, uncaring person. Cause I know I am one. But my husband both last night and this morning keeps telling me the reason I’m so worked up complaining about things from work that happened yesterday and this morning that bother me is because I’m kind and I really just…don’t see it.

I’m not a good person. I’m mean and judgmental and hurtful. Not kind.

[l0velyf0x]

Brb while I have a whole breakdown for the foreseeable future over my weigh in yesterday. I couldn’t even bring myself to post it yesterday.

I gained again…GAINED! When I’ve not been eating any different from earlier this year. If anything, I’ve been eating better.

155.9lbs and Idk how and I’m gonna kms over it. We back to fasting. Can’t count cals still cause it’s not feasible with my work schedule and his schedule. But we fasting again and we cutting back on amounts. I’m also going to start back my vitamin b complex gummies for my metabolism. And then when we move in the house I can work out more cause we’ll have a workout room.

[l0velyf0x]

The only thing preventing me from smashing my skill against the concrete right now is not wanting my husband to blame himself while still grieving his grandfather.

[l0velyf0x]

Fantasizing about stabbing my leg. Maybe I should be worried…

[l0velyf0x]

[l0velyf0x]

The fact I’m imagining the feeling of a steak knife sawing my thigh shows I’m not in a good place.

[l0velyf0x]

Watching your cats, all of them, even the ones who are supposed to be “yours” and grew up with you bypass you completely time and time again for your partner is an entirely different kind of pain…

Don’t get me wrong, I love it for him, but damn does it suck. It hurts like hell to know I’m not even first choice for my own cats. Shit not even second choice at times. I even have my electric blanket on.

They all walked across me to go snuggle him for bed just now. Different kind of pain and different kind of loneliness…