Dear 2015
Life has a funny way of moving fast and experiences have a way of creepy in when you least expect it. I feel the need to write about my life and the changes that are coming as we approach the new year, how I think, feel, and what I have learned from everything over the course of the year. 2015 has honestly been a bitch, but it’s been a bitch I am glad I got to know because I learned so much about myself. I started the year off right away with heartbreak, a heartbreak that fucked me up more than anyone will ever know, and one that still creeps into my everyday life, haunting me with pain and what ifs. But it’s a change that needed to happen, a resolution I didn’t know I had made, but I was on the path of growing a better me, a more independent Carissa, with more self worth, more respect, and more love for myself. I learned fairly quickly that it was okay to love myself, to not search fro validation in other people. Being the youngest of the family, I think this is something that we struggle with, always looking for the “Atta girl”, and I think that is a very destructive mindset to have, because life will not pat you on the back every time you do something good. I went through many life changing moments by myself, felt proud of myself for all those milestones and had no one to thank but myself, for my hard work and dedication, for my pride and my continuation to push and strive even when it got so hard I wanted to quit. I graduated, got an awesome job with coworkers that I love, bought a brand new car 100% on my own, re-established my amazing friendships, and set out to build the most important relationship ever : with myself. So 2015 was a year, a year of ups and downs, heartbreak, success, realizing who I had around me and who I suddenly did not. They say you go about your days acting out the motions, and sometimes it feels like nothing changes, but then you look back and so much has changed. And I can now look back at 2015, a bitch of a year, and laugh and smile, because I know I am where I am supposed to be. I am not still 100% happy with my job, I feel very unfulfilled, very unchallenged, and know I want more for myself. I took a step to accepting a part time job thinking it would benefit me, and though the consistent hours and accruing of earn time are great benefits, I have found myself stuck in a shitty job with shitty hours where I can physically see the skills I used to be so proud of sliding down the drain. i am not a person to sit still and not be challenged. I need trauma, I need action, I need to work out the ins and outs of a difficult task. I accepted a position for the wrong reasons, and I am on a path to changing it. I’ve always been passionate about psychology, always wondered about the human brain, finding myself reading articles about brain works on my free time. It is something I am passionate about, something I understand, something I am good at. Not to take away from my love of x-ray but I have accepted the fact that I will always be on the go, an individual with many passions, who wants to pursue all of them...and I will throughout the course of my life. Might as well just defer all my student loans and debt until someone passes a bill about 100% loan forgiveness am I right? Moving on from the job side of things, I am moving! I am so excited to start a new chapter of my life living in a space I am actually comfortable living in. 2015 provided me with a home that I enjoyed living in, but wasn’t ideally a comfortable situation as I lived with 3 other women and never felt comfortable to be in the kitchen and/or living room. I was confined to my bedroom, which, as comfortable and as badass as it was, isn’t enough space for a 22 year old that just wants to live freely in her own space. I signed a lease with my best friend Emily and we are excited to start out on this new and exciting journey. Although the house is not settled in a quiet neighborhood in Manchester the way my old apartment was, it is still a quiet enough place to call home and a comfortable space where I can be as weird and as naked?(Maybe, depending on the weirdness tone Emily sets for our friendship) as I want. I’m so proud of myself and all my accomplishments, what I’ve taken and lost from 2015, and am so excited for the new experiences and memories that await me in 2016. 2015, thank you for teaching me how to be better, and I hope 2016 is just as much of a bitch, just as sweet, just as growing as you were.
