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Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Jack
“Jack, be nimble. Jack, be quick…” I swung the candelabra at the Jack. “Jack got murdered by the candlestick.” I smiled and wiped the black blood from my cheek. I tossed the bent metal candle holder to the side and whistled.
Jack came out of the shadows. “Another one?”
“I’m not the one who decided to try to trick a witch. Help me toss him into a dumpster and be done with this.”
Jack grabbed his doppelgänger’s shoulders and torso, while I grabbed the corpse’s feet.
We lifted the body up and carried it outside. We laid it on the prepared tarp and rolled him up.
Jill peeked around the corner. “Will you two hurry it up? I don’t want to get caught with a dead body on our hands.”
“It’d go faster if you helped,” I grumbled.
“I laid out the tarp and am keeping watch,” she snapped back.
“Can you both stop? It’s creepy looking down at my own lifeless face.” Jack tried to wrap the body up but struggled to roll it.
“You’re doing it wrong,” I said as I pushed him aside. “You gotta roll them up like a burrito. Tuck in both sides of the tarp like this.” I laid the top and bottom over the corpse’s face and feet. “Then roll.”
He helped me roll the body until it reached the end of the tarp.
“Finally, you have to tie the tarp down,” I explained, threading rope around the body and tarp to keep it from flapping in the wind.
“How’s you get so good at taking care of dead bodies?” he asked with a queer look in his eyes, like maybe I would turn on him.
“I’ve done it enough times to know the best techniques,” I replied without a care. “Open the dumpster.”
He nodded and tried to roll the lip up. “It’s stuck.”
“Really? I’ve gotta do everything?” I shoved my sleeves to my upper arms and climbed onto the dumpster. I grabbed the lid and pulled as hard as I could. “It’s stuck,” I repeated his words.
Jill ran over. “We gotta hurry. Someone’s coming!” She hopped up next to me and between the three of us, we finally got the damned thing open.
We hopped down and tossed the body bag into the nice and clean dumpster.
I gave the corpse some final words, “Rest in peace, Jack. May the dump be too good for you.”
Jack huffed. “You know I’m standing right here, right?”
“So? I’ll say the same thing at your funeral one day.” I took my gloves off.
He shuddered.
I wiped my hands on my pants. “And we’re done.”
“Hide!” Jill hissed as she dragged Jack and I behind a trio of trash cans.
The man walked down the alley and blew out a ring of smoke from his vape. He clicked something in his hands and the dumpster lit up. He climbed into the front of the vehicle and drove off.
“Oh shit,” Jill whispered.
I sighed. “Jack, be nimble, or we’re fucked. Jack, go catch that cyber truck.”
Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Catching Up
Writer's Note: So, originally it was supposed to be a friend who called, but someone else decided that they wanted to chat instead
I zipped up my black coveralls, my name embroidered on the chest. I pulled the blowtorch from the back of my car and shut the trunk. The sucker stick hanging from my mouth and earbud completes the look.
I gazed towards the cemetery, hands popping out of the dirt like rotten dandelions and weeds.
“Ready?” Red asked in her blood-colored coveralls, hoodie, and mask that covered most of her scarred face.
“As I’ll ever be,” I answered as an arm from a newly dug grave stretched towards the sky.
“When I catch this necromancer, I’m going to put them in the ground for good,” she complained, unsheathing her sword. “I lacerate; you incinerate.”
I took the white stick from my lips and flicked it at one of the coming creatures. “You got it.”
She strode forward, each step fast than the last as she sped up. She hacked and slashed at the corpses, mostly decapitating them.
I followed behind her and burned the bodies.
My phone buzzed, and I answered it on the headset without looking, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“It’s pathetic that the only way I can talk to my granddaughter is while she’s at work,” an elderly man said.
“Hey, Pop-Pop.” I torched the groaning figure that lumbered towards me. “How’s everything going?”
“Oh, you know how it is. Your grandmama has been baking up a storm to prep for the holidays, and I’ve been doing my usual.”
“Kicking the other old people’s butts at Gin?”
“Not my fault they aren’t getting any better.”
“Have you been getting up and going for walks?” I stepped over a charred mass of flesh and bones.
“Argh. Not you too.”
“Mum said that your doctor gave you orders to exercise everyday.”
“I golf.”
“Do you take a cart or drag your clubs on the course?”
He grumbled and did not answer.
One of the creatures groaned behind me.
I flipped the torch under my arm and pulled the trigger, light it up like a candle.
“There’s a lot of noise. What’re you working against today?”
“Zombies.”
“Ah, nasty buggers,” he said with a hint of disgust. “It’s not the time of year for zombies, though.”
“Yeah, there’s a necromancer raising them. Red’s on the hunt.”
“Hm. Good lass, that Red. She’ll catch them in no time.”
“Well, yeah. She’s finally got a lock on that necromancy scent.”
“One good thing that came after dealing with that big bad wolf. How’s her grandma?”
“Not sure.” I put my hand over the microphone. “Hey, Red!”
“Kinda busy!” She huffed as she swung her sword.
“Pop-Pop wants to know how your grandma’s doing!”
“She’s doing great!” She grinned, stretching the deep years-long-healed gashes on her face. “She demands a rematch and wanted to know if your grandmama is going to enter an Apple pie in the county fair this year.” She stabbed one of the zombies in the chest, carving its heart out.
I told him what she said, “Is Grandmama doing the fair?” I asked him.
“Of course she is!” He sounded wounded that I would question that.
“She’s gonna do it!” I answered Red.
“I’ll let grandma know.”
“Well, I guess I should let you two get back to work…” his voice trailed.
“Pop-Pop, make sure you get outside and exercise,” I reminded him. “I need you to stay alive for another thousand years.”
He laughed. “You know, someday, I’m going to meet my end, just like the rest of life.”
“Yeah, but it can be a little while until then.”
“All right, kiddo. I love you, and we’ll see you during the holidays.”
“I’ll be there. Love you too, Pop-Pop.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(RIP Pop-Pop and Grandmama. ;_; I miss you both, and wish you could've met all of your great-grandkids.)
Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Faerie
I mashed buttons on the controller, hoping it would make the grinding go faster. I sighed, “Why is it such a pain in the ass to raise my Digimon’s ABI?”
The phone rang, pulling me from the monotony.
“Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“Can I have your name?” a sultry male voice was like honey on my mind and ears asked.
“Nah. Nice try, Novu,” I replied to the faerie. “What’s up?” I kept battling to gain more experience to digivolve my monsters.
“I need your help.”
“That’s odd. Usually fae don’t need anything.”
A woman’s voice screeched in the background.
“Damn it,” Novu grumbled.
I paused my game. “This sounds serious.”
“She ate the mushrooms,” he said flatly.
“You mean the ones that you lot try to share with everyone for your enjoyment? How’s that a problem?”
“I wanna lick your lollipop!” she yelled.
“Back! Back you beast!” he growled, a sound almost too low for my ears, as he sounded like he struggled to push her away.
“Ah,” I chuckled.
“You know what the issue is?” he begged.
“Yup.” I unpaused my game and continued to battle. “You lured in a monsterfucker, and now you’re dealing with the consequences. We call this FAFO on the human side of things.”
“How do I make her stop?”
“Well, you could do that brain scrambling thing—“
“No, I can’t. The Seelie Queen will have my head if I mess with another human’s mind.”
“You could just poof and disappear.”
“Can’t do that either. She threw a ring of iron around us.”
“You could wait it out until she’s no longer high.”
“That would take ages!” he complained. “Ouch! Get off me, woman!”
“Finally, you could let her give you a blowjob since you gave her the mushrooms. That would complete the trade, which makes the spell wear off faster. I mean, she might enjoy your glitter goo.”
“You are gross!” He gagged at the thought.
“Tie me up, shadow daddy!” the woman’s rough voice itched my nerves.
“Quick question, Novu…”
“Yeah?”
“What’s she wearing?”
“I don’t know. Clothes?”
I facepalmed. “Describe them.”
“White button up shirt, plaid corset on the outside, and matching plaid skirt.”
“I need to you rip her bodice open and check for a tattoo on her chest.”
“What?”
“Just do it.”
He whined. After some shuffling, a few moans, and a couple groans, he finally answered, “It’s a lily.”
“Hang on a second. I’ve gotta put you on hold.”
“Don’t you dare—“
I flipped the switch and dialed another number. “Hey, Hansel?”
The man sounded like he just woke up, as he yawned. “Yeah?”
“Where’s Gretel?”
“I dunno.”
“She’s hanging with an Unseelie in the dark forest. He gave her some mushrooms and now—“
“A faerie?!” he gasped as his voice sounded less tired.
“Yup. She wants to carry his little pixie babies.”
“No way in the Seven Hells will my little sister screw a monster!” He hung up.
I flipped back to Novu, but Gretel answered, “He’s a little bit chained up at the moment.”
“Remember, Gretel, enthusiastic consent is sexy. Without it, you’re lower than mud.”
“I know,” she said sweetly. “He’ll be begging for it soon enough.”
“You gave him a mushroom, didn’t you?”
She laughed, a bright trill of excitement. “Fair is fair. He drugged my food, so I made sure he gets to enjoy what he gave.”
“Wait. He broke the Law of Hospitality?”
“Mmhm.”
“Make him squirm.”
“I think three days chained inside an iron ring would do him some good.”
“Your brother is on his way. You got something to relieve your symptoms?”
She chuckled. “These mushrooms haven’t worked on me since the Witch’s cabin incident.”
“Can you put me on speaker phone?”
“Of course.” She paused for a second. “Ready.”
“Hey, Novu. Get wrecked, scrub.” I hung up the phone and continued grinding in my game.
Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control - Werewolves
“My little soda pop,” I sang, danced, and clapped twice with the song.
The phone rang.
I paused the music and picked it up, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“Hello? Hi. Um, what do you do when your boyfriend starts acting weird?” the girl on the line asked with a hint of worry in her voice.
“I’m not an advice column, but I’ll give helpin’ ya a shot. It depends on what you mean by weird. Picking up a new hobby like video games is pretty normal, you just set time limits or learn to play with him. If he picks up an instrument, just be careful it’s not a trumpet or trombone because then he’s joining a ska band. Clarinets are fine because that’s jazz. If he’s talking about ‘high-value women’ or ‘alpha males,’ break up with him. There’s no saving someone that far gone.”
“It’s none of those things, though,” she said with a sigh.
“All right, what’s going on, hon?”
“He’s sprouting fur and a tail!”
“Ah, ok. I get it. He’s picked up a kink and wants to play the big bad wolf while you’re his little red riding hood,” I replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Make sure you ask him what a big coc—”
“He’s not saying anything, but he’s been howling and—” she stopped talking as a howl echoed through the speaker of the phone, followed by less loud ones. “Oh, god, there’s more of them.”
“Oh, wait. Hang on.” I checked my calendar. “It’s a full moon outside, isn’t it?”
“Well, yeah.”
“How long have you been dating him?”
“A few weeks now.”
“Ok, he’s a werewolf, and he’s calling the rest of his pack.”
“Oh my god!”
“It’ll be fine. Here’s what you do. You grab a ball and throw it as hard as you can.”
“Ok, I’ll try that.” A few minutes later, she came back on the phone. “He’s been running after it and bringing it back along with the other wolves.” She laughed. “This is kinda fun.”
“This part is important part. Do not, under any circumstances, pretend to throw the ball and keep it with you.”
“Look at them go! I didn’t even throw it that time.” She laughed at the wolves.
I face palmed. “You might want to start runnin’.”
“Huh? Why? Wait. Why are you coming closer while growling like that?”
I dragged my fingers along my face. “You did the one thing that would piss them off. Do you have meat in your house?”
“Yeah, in the garage freezer.” Her voice sounded muffled, like she covered the receiver with her hand. “Stay back, you filthy mutt!”
“Get the meat and throw it to them. They’ll eat it and leave you alone, as long as there’s enough.”
“Down! Down, boy! Sit!” she kept yelling at the wolves. “Ouch! You bit me, you asshole!” She cussed a bunch, then said, “Here! No! Don’t jump up on me! Ew! Gross! Stop licking me!”
“They’ll be your best friends forever now that you fed them. But you might want to invest in a nice sturdy robe and extra strength chew toys.”
“Why?”
“No reason. Have a good night and a happy puppy cuddle.” I hung up on her and turned the music back on. “Gotta drink every drop.”
*clapclap*
So, You've Raised an Ancient Evil
This was based on this gif
“So.” The military man in the video pulled up a chair and flipped it around. He sat down in it backwards, legs straddled on either side of the seat. He wore fatigues, and his blond hair was shaved close to his head. “You raised an ancient evil. Maybe you said a spell, or sacrificed a soul to the God Below, or maybe you just drank too much and toyed with an Ouija board—”
“Damn it, get to the point already!” I yelled at the small screen.
Roars and shouts rumbled through the shafts of the bunker. Gun fire ratta-tatta’ed and echoed down the long metallic hallway walls. Screams, squelching, then silence blared all around me.
“Hurry up!” I wanted to scream to the man on the tiny television, but it was no use. He could not hear my pleas. I ran my fingers through my black hair and pulled on the follicles close to my scalp to try to mitigate the migraine that threatened to rip my head apart.
“No matter how you did it, it’s done.” He swung his leg over the chair and stood up. He picked up and tossed the chair to the side. “How could you?” he shrieked at the camera. “Don’t you know what you’ve done?”
“No, shit, which is why I’m watching this damn video,” I grumbled, hoping he would quickly get to the point.
Claws and chains scraped along the cement ground as the thing came closer. There were no other sounds, no other signs of life from the people who had fought against this creature. There was nothing but the heavy footfalls and the dragging claws.
“Since you caused this, here’s what you have to do. Think about how you raised the ancient evil being. If you did it through a spell, you find the counter spell. If it was through sacrifice, you have to find a greater one to put it back down. If you opened the portal through the Ouija board, you—”
The screen went black.
“No.” I smacked the TV, thinking that it would jumpstart the damn thing. “No!” I ripped the disc out of the player and broke it in half.
I only saw my reflection in the dark glass. My yellow eyes glowed in the dying light of the bunker. “It must have gotten to the power supply,” I said to myself. Of course, it was to myself. I was the only one left, the only person still alive.
Something pounded at the vault door. I leapt in fear away from the TV and the door to the hallway. Indentations appeared every time it tried to punch its way into the small room where I was hiding. I shrank away from the creature and looked around to find a way out. Everything in my vision glowed a soft gold, despite the darkness that fell over me and the room.
“All right. No time to panic.” The thing rhythmically knocked on the door. It was almost hypnotizing in its metronome beat. “Spell, counter spell. Sacrifice, bigger sacrifice. Ouija? More Ouija?” It was the only thing I had to go on, so it would have to do.
I saw the board lying on the ground on the other side of the room. “Time to get to work.” I scrambled to it and sat cross legged with my fingers on the planchette. I stared at the door and waited.
***
Blood…
Meat…
Terror…
Fear…
It wondered why it had been brought to this plane. Its long arms scraped the ground with its knuckles and claws. Its head was almost like a long-toothed cat with slits for eyes. The dark purple scales that covered its tall hulking body glinted in the light. Black spikes trailed down from its hunched shoulders, to its rounded back, then down to its long tail that ended with six poisonous quills.
Where is it?
It sniffed the air, hunting its prey. It could not see, but its sense of smell and hearing overcompensated for the lack of sight. It did not care about the tiny buzzing bees that tried to penetrate its skin. They stung it, but they would never pierce through the metallic scales.
Finally…
It found the scent trail it had followed to get here. The one who called it from the Abyss of Oblivion. The warm, musky smell that promised it freedom for the right price.
More of the ratta-tatta insects attacked it. Annoyed, it swept a hand with its talon claws to knock over the Kevlar covered creatures. They fell to the ground on either side of it.
It lumbered toward the object of its hunt. Silence filled the corridor. The annoyances from the bugs finished, and it no longer concerned itself with the things that smelled like piss and horror. It took long, slow steps. Each thump of its feet on the cold hard Earth radiated through the metallic halls. Its clows dragged on the ground, though it wondered how the sound would change if it raised its arms and grazed them against the walls.
A pair of voices came from the other side of a thick door. Sparks of white fire crackled on the panel next to the vault. It reached out and tore the thin door off the hinges. It slid a long finger along the sparks, ripping away the wires that carried light and electricity into the room behind the vault’s door.
It tried to open the door with the handle, but it was locked from the inside. That did not bother it. It had all of the time in the world to get to its prey. It slammed its hands against the door. Deep dents appeared under its fists. Time passed by, maybe minutes, maybe hours, but it kept pounding.
The vault finally broke. The torn metal holes gave the creature the weakness it needed. Its claw ripped the door off the hinges. It raised its head higher and stood up straighter. The air was potent with the scent of the thing it was tracking. Its face split into a wide needle-toothed smile. “You cannot hide from me,” its horrifically deep voice rumbled through the air.
It looked over to the woman with black hair and yellow eyes. “You will regret what you have done.” It was fast, despite the size of the creature. In two giant steps, it was within spitting distance. After another one, it reached for her.
***
“Return to Hell,” my voice was strong as its claws stopped less than an inch from my nose.
Its face contorted in rage and pain. A spiraling black portal opened up under its feet. “No!” it screamed in a strange mixture of high and low pitch. It fell back in the Abyss of Oblivion, and threshold to Hell closed.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I stood up and looked into the mirror. A small smile played on my lips. “Now that I got rid of the Gatekeeper and the video telling people how to get rid of me, I think it’s time to have some fun here on Earth.”
I watched the woman’s soul try to escape from under my influence. I tched my tongue against my teeth. “Don’t be like that. You thought you were talking with your dead husband, but everyone knows that unless you bless your Ouija board, anything can come through. But you don’t have to worry about a thing, darling. I won’t do anything to harm you.”
I straightened my jacket and shirt, wiped the dust off my skirt, and pulled my hair back into a braid. “After all, you are the one who raised an ancient evil.” I left the vault.
Rhonda Update
I've decided to make a blog specifically for the Rhona Paranormal Pest Control stories, because I want to explore them more and need to keep them separated n my brain.
:)
I have moved the stories over to the new blog, so you'll see them again as I get new ideas.
Rhonda has a problem. A paranormal pest problem. Good thing she's a professional exterminator.
October 01: 92
In a dystopian future, a band of humans and friendly monsters join forces to reclaim Earth from evil entities.
"So, this is how it's going to end?" I asked my compatriots, flicking the white lollipop stick away.
Red sharpened her two swords as she spoke, the deep scar on her face moving with every scrape of her whetstone, "If it is, then it is."
"You two are too pessimistic." Jack laughed as he jumped and practiced punching the air.
"And you're too bouncy," Jill grabbed him and threw him to the ground.
Hansel and Gretel did not say anything as they prepped their weapons, holy water, and other assortment of tools.
"How did this even happen?" Jill asked to see if I knew the story.
"Well, I got a phone call from a military base about someone summoning something, but they were all dead when I checked it out. I watched the cameras and found the culprit. It's a woman who was possessed by whatever ancient evil they found. Even the Hell Hound couldn't drag the damn thing back."
"And we're expected to?" Jack's eyes went wide.
"Not really. We're just the last line of defense," Red answered as she stood up and stretched.
I exhaled a sigh. "Kinda wish we had more than just us trying to stop this thing."
"Good thing we're the best, then," Jack said with a smile.
"Got any clones we could use as distractions?" Hansel gave him side eye. "I heard you pissed off a witch."
"How was I supposed to know that she wasn't interested in seeing my little--"
"I'll hit you if you finish that sentence," Red warned him.
"Fine, fine. Be that way." He huffed. "But, no, we took care of all of them."
Red's ears twitched, the werewolf curse activating. "It's coming."
"Jack, be nimble. This is no time to talk. Jack, begin your shadow-walk," I commanded him.
"Yes, ma'am." He popped up a salute and faded into Jill's shadow.
Hansel and Gretel stood up, ready to fight.
Someone stepped on the fallen leaves nearby.
We whipped around and raised our weapons to Nov who stood there with a pack of Paranormal Pests.
He put his hands up. "We're here to help."
"Last time you helped, you were chained into a circle," Gretel replied with some snark in her voice.
"Whatever affects the humans affects us as well," a vampire said with a toothy smile. "I believe that this is the first time we've met face-to-face."
I grimaced. "I remember telling you to lose my number."
He stepped up, towering over me, then lifted my chin to meet his eyes. "But then rich humans would send poachers who don't care about our endangered status."
I whacked his hand away. "Not the time or place."
Jack reappeared. "Whoa. Who brought the army?"
"The fae did," Red answered.
"What did you learn?" I asked him.
Jack gave his report, "It is killing everything in its path, while using the dead as its horde."
"Get ready." Red took her fighting stance.
"Jill, only shoot if you have a clear shot. Head and heart," I said.
"You got it." Jill pulled the sniper rifle from her bag.
"Red will take point, Hansel and Gretel are her backups. Take out the revenants. Paranormal Pests, you'll need to take out the mobs of zombies. Fire and decapitation will stop them," I explained to everyone.
"You got it." Nov gave me a thumbs up.
"What about you?" the vampire asked.
I sighed. "I'll take care of the big guy." I glanced to Jack. "I need you."
He hesitated, then nodded. He opened his arms and grabbed me into a hug.
I embraced him back, whispering, "Jack, be nimble. Jack, show me no concern. If I fail, Jack, make me burn."
His eyes flashed a deep orange, then turned back to their normal color. "Don't make me do it, so you better kill the thing."
I smiled brightly, not saying anything.
Red pointed to the valley filled with the walking dead. "Give her some time to prep. We'll go first." She twirled her finger. "Move out." She lightly touched my arm for support, followed by Jill, Hansel, and Gretel.
The teams followed her down into the soon-to-be-war zone.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I snapped my fingers; my clothes changed into a long black cloak with a silver clasp. I blinked, my vision becoming black and white, a sea of greyscale. With another breath, I appeared in front of the woman.
She laughed, a voice so deep it should not have come from her vocal chords. "So, you think you can beat me?"
I stayed absolutely still, the mists gathering around us, blocking out the fighting that surrounded us. I did not speak, just waiting.
She narrowed her pitch black eyes. "Who do you think you are? I escaped from the depths of Hell and defeated the Hell Hound sent to catch me. What gives you the right to stand before me?"
I continued to stay silent.
The grey fog quieted the area, as if she and I were the only ones there.
She ran up and grabbed onto my throat. "Answer me!" she shouted, her voice muted by the mist.
I stared down into her eyes that were blacker than the night.
"Forget it." She squeezed my neck.
I grabbed the single bell from the air.
It rang silently, no clapper to touch the side of the bell.
She dropped me, covering her ears. "No! What are you?" she demanded.
I stepped forward, continuing to ring the bell.
She whimpered and whined, as if the sound was deafening. "Make it stop."
I stood over her, the bell vanishing into the fog. I opened the black cloak as she glared up.
"No..." the fear in her voice quivered. "You can't be! You're a myth!"
I stretched my arms wide, holding the cloak as open as it could get.
The wind picked up around us, whipping and dragging the creature closer to me.
She tried to hold onto a tree root, her feet lifting her from the ground, followed by her body. Her hands slipped, and she fell into the darkness of my cloak.
I closed it, feeling her fight me from the inside. I coughed up blood as the soul of the original woman came out of my mouth.
It floated away, towards wherever it deserved to go.
The creature slammed into my heart, making it burn and ache.
I coughed up more blood, feeling it drip as tears from my eyes, and ears. I grabbed my sides and tried to hold myself together.
It tried to tear me apart from the inside, claws slashing and teeth gnashing.
"Are you..." Jack whispered as he held up a flame in his palm.
I held up a finger to keep him from breaking my concentration. Soon, the violence within slowed then stopped. I threw up black tar onto the ground. "Burn it." My clothes turned back to normal.
"Gladly." He tossed the fireball onto what was left of the ancient evil that killed so many.
Red, Jill, Hansel, and Gretel walked over, blood covering their clothes. The Paranormal Pests kept their distance from the ruthless hunters.
"Everyone all right?" I asked.
"We'll live. You?" Red gave me a once over.
"We'll see," I answered.
Icy cold fingers gripped my soul, taking the dark evil soul from my body.
I shivered, and everyone's breaths became puffs of warm air.
"Lord Death has granted you reprieve for your service," the Reaper whispered, just loud enough for me to hear.
"Tell Lord Death I am grateful for his mercy," I replied.
The cold disappeared, leaving us alone in the hot night.
"Looks like you'll live to see another day," Red said as she and Jack caught me when my limbs gave out.
I threw up more blood, until there was nothing but bile. "Looks like it."
Nov stepped over and pressed his hand to my chest.
Jack whacked the fae's hand away. "Stop groping her."
The faerie glared at the trickster. "Can you heal her? Because I can. Now, hold still." He shoved his hand to my sternum, a flash of white light filling the clearing, making the vampires hiss in pain and fear.
"Nov, is there something you're not telling me?" I raised an eyebrow at the Unseelie.
He shifted his feet, like he was embarrassed. "My mother is the Unseelie Queen, and my father is the Seelie King, so I can use both kinds of magic."
"So, your parents are enemies to lovers?" Gretel asked, curiosity overcoming her.
He shuddered. "I'm not answering you, after what you did to me."
She grinned and grabbed him by the shirt collar. "You begged for it."
My phone buzzed, stopping everything. I reached down and grabbed it from my pocket. "Rhonda's Paranormal Pest Control. What's bugging you?"
The woman on the line said, "There's something going on with my son. He's talking to someone, and--" The line cut out.
"No rest for the wicked..." I grumbled as I straightened my blood covered shirt. "Jack, be nimble. Jack, alone. Jack, find who called this phone."
012 – Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control: Catching Up
So, originally it was supposed to be a friend who called, but someone else decided that they wanted to chat instead
I zipped up my black coveralls, my name embroidered on the chest. I pulled the blowtorch from the back of my car and shut the trunk. The sucker stick hanging from my mouth and earbud completes the look.
I gazed towards the cemetery, hands popping out of the dirt like rotten dandelions and weeds.
“Ready?” Red asked in her blood-colored coveralls, hoodie, and mask that covered most of her scarred face.
“As I’ll ever be,” I answered as an arm from a newly dug grave stretched towards the sky.
“When I catch this necromancer, I’m going to put them in the ground for good,” she complained, unsheathing her sword. “I lacerate; you incinerate.”
I took the white stick from my lips and flicked it at one of the coming creatures. “You got it.”
She strode forward, each step fast than the last as she sped up. She hacked and slashed at the corpses, mostly decapitating them.
I followed behind her and burned the bodies.
My phone buzzed, and I answered it on the headset without looking, “Rhonda’s Paranormal Pest Control. What’s buggin’ ya?”
“It’s pathetic that the only way I can talk to my granddaughter is while she’s at work,” an elderly man said.
“Hey, Pop-Pop.” I torched the groaning figure that lumbered towards me. “How’s everything going?”
“Oh, you know how it is. Your grandmama has been baking up a storm to prep for the holidays, and I’ve been doing my usual.”
“Kicking the other old people’s butts at Gin?”
“Not my fault they aren’t getting any better.”
“Have you been getting up and going for walks?” I stepped over a charred mass of flesh and bones.
“Argh. Not you too.”
“Mum said that your doctor gave you orders to exercise everyday.”
“I golf.”
“Do you take a cart or drag your clubs on the course?”
He grumbled and did not answer.
One of the creatures groaned behind me.
I flipped the torch under my arm and pulled the trigger, light it up like a candle.
“There’s a lot of noise. What’re you working against today?”
“Zombies.”
“Ah, nasty buggers,” he said with a hint of disgust. “It’s not the time of year for zombies, though.”
“Yeah, there’s a necromancer raising them. Red’s on the hunt.”
“Hm. Good lass, that Red. She’ll catch them in no time.”
“Well, yeah. She’s finally got a lock on that necromancy scent.”
“One good thing that came after dealing with that big bad wolf. How’s her grandma?”
“Not sure.” I put my hand over the microphone. “Hey, Red!”
“Kinda busy!” She huffed as she swung her sword.
“Pop-Pop wants to know how your grandma’s doing!”
“She’s doing great!” She grinned, stretching the deep years-long-healed gashes on her face. “She demands a rematch and wanted to know if your grandmama is going to enter an Apple pie in the county fair this year.” She stabbed one of the zombies in the chest, carving its heart out.
I told him what she said, “Is Grandmama doing the fair?” I asked him.
“Of course she is!” He sounded wounded that I would question that.
“She’s gonna do it!” I answered Red.
“I’ll let grandma know.”
“Well, I guess I should let you two get back to work…” his voice trailed.
“Pop-Pop, make sure you get outside and exercise,” I reminded him. “I need you to stay alive for another thousand years.”
He laughed. “You know, someday, I’m going to meet my end, just like the rest of life.”
“Yeah, but it can be a little while until then.”
“All right, kiddo. I love you, and we’ll see you during the holidays.”
“I’ll be there. Love you too, Pop-Pop.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(RIP Pop-Pop and Grandmama. ;_; I miss you both, and wish you could've met all of your great-grandkids.)
